What a Man Wants and Needs In Marriage.

This is a list of basic points supporting the concept of a surrendered wife and what she does for her husband:

1) A Man needs to feel strong and needed as protector for women, basically to conquer the beast and rescue the fair maiden.


2) He wants to feel that he is strong and head of the household and leader of the family.


3) He needs respect, kindness and love from his woman


4) He wants to know that he is the most important thing in his Wife's life.


5) A Man needs his woman to show him that she needs his strength to help her through life.


6) A man should be able to prove to himself that he is strong capable and competent by being the major breadwinner of the family.


7) He needs his wife to show approval and appreciation for being a competent Husband and Father.


8) He wants his wife to show interest in his interests.


9) He needs his wife to greet him after work with love, affection and enthusiasm. A nice dinner is a great way to support this.


10) He wants her to care about the day he's had.


11) He needs to know his wife is sexually satisfied by him.


12) He wants his wife to make the home a haven, a place that he can relax and recharge his batteries at the end of the day.


13) He needs his Wife's encouragement in order to be a man.


14) He wants to know his wife is permanently on his side.


If You've just read this and you're a man, especially if you're a Husband, please leave a comment. If you can think of anything else to add to the list, I'd love to know your thoughts.

RobertaSunset RobertaSunset
36-40, F
90 Responses Apr 19, 2008

A man always wants his wife to be happy

My immediate response has to that this is a great post. I wish I had more time right now to add a couple thoughts .....I'll continue with that a little later.
Really liked it. I do believe most points can be directed from the husband back at the wife. I guess the only thing I could ask now is 'Marry Me"?

He wants to be desired sexually, its part of his emotional needs. He wants his wife to be slutty in bed with him, and be a lady too. He wants to hear his name scream out from making love to him.

but we all want that lol :o)

Funny how these are the same things a wife desires from her husband. I agree with cuntrygent. A husband earns these things from his wife and vise verse. I'm in a TIH marriage and there is no way our marriage would work if my husband did not earn my respect. I choose to give him those things on the list because he chooses to act in a way that makes me want him to feel he is the bomb, HOH, the greatest man who ever walked this planet. Respect is and always will be a two way street. I need to feel loved, respected, safe, protected, Cherished, and needed. I need to know he has my back no matter what. It's really not that hard to fulfill your partners needs when there is mutual respect.

This is what people do not understand about submission, women do not submit to idiotic jerks, only men who give love, protection, leadership and security. Our men earned it because they strive to meet our needs too. The real power always lays with the submissive of course because she can take away her submission if he isn't deserving of it but of course he is... why would you give up a woman who does all of this for you? :o)

This list made me sick! I think a husband and wife should take care of each other! Sounds like the men reading this have a confidence problem. My husband and I are so incredibly happy and we don't use a list to get there. We talk about what WE need from each other.

So you\'re not a surrendered wife and that works for you. I\'m sure you have a wonderful relationship and are blissfully happy but please don\'t judge me just because I choose to think outside the box and try something different.

Probably can\'t reason like that with her. Her mind is already made up!

You too hun and thanks for sticking up for me :o)

Roberta I just wanted to say I liked your list and all the comments below. It sounds like you really have a knack for what makes marriage work and thrive. Good stuff!


Agreed, I wish I had know seven years ago when we married :o)

don't blame your self... you needed those 7 years to explore every thing your man need, besides, you still have ALL YOUR LIVES TO ENJOY WITH EACH OTHER..

This is true, it will be all the happier exploring now that I understand what really makes marriages work :o)

a good man deserves a good woman and a good woman deserves a good man. anything less? u deserve what U get...

I found when I began doing these things for my husband he naturally began working harder to see to my needs. Now I find I am quite spoiled by him. It really does work both ways. For love to grow it has to start somewhere. Thank you for posting Roberta.

For sure...I would never have believed it until I tried it myself but I struck gold with my curious mind on this occasion :o)

Deffinatly turned out way better than I had hoped for

I find it difficult to believe that it just started as a curious experiment...and here we are today :o)

He also needs to fulfill her needs a woman also needs to hear she is worthy and needed in his life. Praised for giving of herself. She needs to fell safe and know that he will always have her back, even if he disagrees with her you work it out in private. He needs to be honest and show her he cares. Most women feel they are marrying their hero. But when a football game or other such sillyness is more important than being with her she starts to withdraw. Men are not the only ones who withdraw and go into a cave. It's a two way street.

I agree but I think the point is, somebody has to make the first move towards a better understanding :o)

Yes I agree if relationship is in trouble someone must give first but then there is a time when after years of giving and getting nothing in return you have to go your own way and try to find happiness. I guess the ideal thing is not allow thing to get that bad. I don't believe in divorce but relationships have to be give and take and its such an awful thing when you spend 25 yrs loving someone who dose not love you enough to try.

I'm lucky enough never to have experienced that. I saved my own marriage by doing these things and just like Jenna said above, I find that I am equally spoilt by my husband.

That is great to hear sometimes no matter how hard you try or how much you give things just can't be turned around. But it sure is nice to hear that sometimes things do turn around for some people. Call me a sucker but I love it when the good guy wins no matter how hard the fight. I also agree that if both people did these things and people took marriage more serious that we would have a lot more happy well balanced children and young adults. Again I turkey am happy things turned out good for you. :))))

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It's a two way street. If you do that for him he should in turn do it for you.

He does, but I think women want different things from men :o)

I like what you are saying yes but for me, I also need other things.

! I loved being part of her life, I loved watching her as she painted things and even got her the stuff to take her art work to a different level I helped her go from canvas to paining metal and air brush work and then to do fine line pen stripping on cars and bikes.

The rest of it is a great guess we fell in love to young but we were with each other from age 11 on at 12 something happened, and her mother gave me a new home and over the next few years it really became our home, and we paid cash for it the day we got out of high school.

I knew she always had my back, and she also knew I had her back and we did have a few fights in school that first years as other tried to take control of the school but we had to decide we did not want to deal with bullies like in the past, so we stopped them at the start.

I love that you spport her intersts, maybe that would be on the list of what women want and need from a man :o)

Well said! I couldn't agree more. Thank you for this post,

Each to their own but I'm attracted to outgoing women with their own interests and goals who I can support in achieving her girls and who can support me in achieving hers and who will stand up to me if she thinks I'm being an idiot rather than just agreeing with me.

I see marriages failing all around me and usually it is because women cannot learn to keep their mouths shut and lean that sometimes, it's not right for everything to be done "their way" sad but true.

I'm not saying everything should be done their way I'm just saying it should be a two way discussion involving a degree of compromise on both sides. Saying that my parents are still together after 43 years of doing everyting my mum's that way but that's because my dad is fantastically disorganised!

I like that I defer to my husband, causes less misunderstanding, everyone knows their role and there's no need to have an argumement because nobody needs to "win" I tried it the other way, we were unhappy all too often.

Do not think that is why there are failing we have become a throw-away world.

What is too much is person talking at each other and not to each other?

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I agree with 3/4 of those comments. If this is how you live your life and treat your husband he is one lucky man.....let me know if you become available on the market.......lol....

lol :o)

Im just not good cook....

I have been single so long, even a modest attempt at a home made meal is a luxury for me. maybe we can cook together ......

You look pretty enough for him to probably not care but everyone can cook, all you have to do is read and follow instructions lol :o)

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i am going to add u such a nice brain who can avoid this type of person be friend God give u more more happiness

RobertaSunset dear your husband is lucky if u think it i believe mostly our happy life depend on our actions and thinking god bless u wish my wife should think like this

Thankyou :o)

i agree with robertasunset i think natalie maybe a tad envious of us surrendered wives, maybe she can not do what we can keep our husbands happy and strives to find a relationships like ours, are you single???? can you keep your man happy i think you should try it

Lovely dear. I think all of us ladies enjoy the reminder

Yep... we all do sometimes :o)

now if I could only slip these thoughts somewhere so that my wife could see it without her thinking that I had something to do with it....lol

I liked what you wrote Roberta....a husband could only dream....

It seems that a lot of people do not understand feminism who really should. Feminism is about promoting equality between the sexes. Surrendering does not harm this. I know many men who have surrendered to their wives and none of the wives know what they have got... none of them. I also know women who have surrendered to their husbands without the respect being returned. I think the argument between sexes is old and pointless. Married folk - respect your spouse, give your spouse what they need, both of you should give at least 60%, stop counting the flaws, increase truthful communication, remember forgiveness and tell your spouse you have forgiven. Just love for pities sakes, just love, and stop the kind of bickering we see in arguments of governmental policy. Just love, and if you cannot give your love, do not marry. Marriage is about surrendering on both sides. If you can't do that, leave marriage to people who can and come back when your angst, fury and vengeance has left you.

I agree power struggles are pointless. I do not believe that either party has to give all the time. If we could just come together and talk and learn to compromise. It can never be 100% what one person wants all the time.

As a man i need some passion from my wife. I am not working but still i want my wife to love without any questions about future. My wife should whole heartedly lay with me without thinking tommorow she should ask everything she wants, she should know what i want now and at any time. She should be homely

You have some lovely insights.

Thankyou :o)

Surrendered? And what did you want that had to be given up? It seems to be all about him and nothing about you except servitude. Or do you really like it that way?

yeah, I do like that, but I believe surrendering would work for every marriage, it's not about being a door mat, it's about treating your man with respect and consideration. Sadly it is something that many wives just stop doing and then they wonder why their marriages are unfulfilling and their man leave to be with other women or just distance themselves completely. I shared my story because there was a time when I was becoming one of those women and I surrendered out of interest more than anything. It saved my marriage, I am now loved and cherished and protected, I am made to feel like a woman. I have a fantastic sex life and my Husband behaves like the man I always wanted him to be. I felt like more of a door mat before to be honest. Surrendering is just a way of learning to communicate and understanding that men and women are very different and we do have different needs.

Glad it works for you.

You're a doormat...your husband is weak. It's clear he needs u but u don't really need him. Do u honestly think men could survive without women...but they're finding ways where women could survive without men.

Sounds like a man has some insecurities...aww...a women needs...a man who doesn't need to be shown over and over that he's a man...he can see his penis..I've heard most men have them...men should be more confident without having to be reminded over and over about ridiculous things like his strength...go lift some weights men!

you have your own insecurities, thats why you came here with the sole intention of being a troll.

Way to tell her off, Roberta.

Ooo that hurt...not really.

Ok goblin. Well I'm sure u r just a ***** living in the slums wit no one that truely loves u and ur just nasty...yuck.

Not crying yet... you will have to try harder I'm afraid!

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Going by this like it sounds as if men are children who wish to be coddled, idolized, and honored and put on a pedestal adored by a human female there to service him and please his every or most of his whims.<br />
<br />
A Man needs to feel strong and needed as protector for women, basically to conquer the beast and rescue the fair maiden.<br />
* In other words he needs to feel stronger/superior to her?*<br />
<br />
He wants to feel that he is strong and head of the household and leader of the family.<br />
* In other words he needs to be in charge otherwise he feels weak? He feels entitled to leadership ba<x>sed on his genitals rather than his suitability okay then..*<br />
<br />
He needs respect, kindness and love from his woman.<br />
* Those tend to be the cornerstone for most relationships however it seems that many tend to differ it quite differently and it borders on suberseivent to me *<br />
<br />
He wants to know that he is the most important thing in his Wife's life.<br />
* I doubt this is an equal exchange as it seems work tends to come in first for many men. *<br />
<br />
A Man needs his woman to show him that she needs his strength to help her through life.<br />
* In other words he wants a dependent person who he knows wouldn't be able to do much without him while he on the other hand as a man is strong and can take or leave her? *<br />
<br />
A man should be able to prove to himself that he is strong capable and competent by being the major breadwinner of the family.<br />
* In other words men, their worth, and masculinity are measured by their income? *<br />
<br />
He needs his wife to show approval and appreciation for being a competent Husband and Father.<br />
* These tend to be the cornerstone for most relationships however it seems that many tend to differ it quite differently and it borders on being his personal cheerleader of 'he can do no wrong' *<br />
<br />
He wants his wife to show interest in his interests.<br />
* I doubt this is an equal exchange as it seems many men degrade or belittle women's interests as superifical, stupid, etc * <br />
<br />
He needs his wife to greet him after work with love, affection and enthusiasm. A nice dinner is a great way to support this.<br />
* A pleasant homecoming/atmosphere tend to be the cornerstone for most relationships however it seems that many tend to differ it quite differently and it borders on being a servant whose only function is to service him *<br />
<br />
He wants her to care about the day he's had.<br />
* I doubt this is an equal exchange as it seems many men bemoan how women talk, drone on, and etc. *<br />
<br />
He needs to know his wife is sexually satisfied by him.<br />
* I doubt heavily doubt this considering the rise of 'her ****** = her responsibility' and no denying sex without a good reason (implying that consent/desire is not a good reason). I think it's more of a he doesn't want to know his wife is sexually disatified/disgusted by him. Seems many guys wouldn't care if their partner wasn't into the sex or was just doing it to shut them up as long as she doesn't show her disdain. *<br />
<br />
He wants his wife to make the home a haven, a place that he can relax and recharge his batteries at the end of the day.<br />
* In other words she's in charge of his happiness with no to little accountability/responsbility on himself for his mood/feelings? Does this mean he has to furnish the home with the material goods she desires? *<br />
<br />
He needs his Wife's encouragement in order to be a man.<br />
* In other words she's in charge of his happiness with no to little accountability/responsbility on himself for his gender identity?*<br />
<br />
He wants to know his wife is permanently on his side.<br />
* I doubt this is an equal exchange as it seems many men if not for the divorce/custody laws would readily leave their partners. As well as the women age like sour milk and etc mindset that is on the rise. *

This guy's profile says "I Hate Men." A troll.

Concept-you hate fem so how is he a troll and your not. Oh hats right...ur a goblin. Seriously. Shut the **** up. You google everything u say. If people actually believe the stupid bullshit u spew out of your idiotic computer fingers then you wouldn't write books on here about Jesus and God...some people don't believe in what u believe.

Thank you once again for posting the stories that you do. You are a voice for many of us. Loved, this book. I think it just comes down to men, and women, needing to be loved differently. And having the tools to understand those differences. I admire your desire to make this know. I admire your patience with some, that may not have deserved the kindness you have shown them. There is a reason my husband calls me his little spit fire. lol. So keep preaching the magic that you do. Thanks again.

You're welcome, I can be a bit feisty too lol, it's the red hair... everyone is entitled to their own point of view so I try not to stir up trouble if I can help it, I just hope to share my interests and beliefs and hopefully help people find some of the happiness I have :o)

I believe you're right about marriage counselors, RobertaSunset.

thankyou :o)

You are sure right! I just women (my wife included) would take your, great, advice!


I live my life with honor. I have failed from time to time. then pick up my codes and values and try again. It is what makes honor so beautiful to me. I am in a 20 yo relationship with a woman that DOSENT hold to your standards.... She is my soul mate. I am leaving her. our children are finaly old enough to take care of themselvs and I am no longer bound to keep a family togather that dosent want to be. I am taking some time to heal before looking for a nother girl to love,but when i start looking it will be for a woman that can fully enbrace the MAN inside me.... Know more will i walk through this life fealing alone with a mate beside me! You have it rite hear! However It is easy to confuse a dominante MAN who spends his life energy taking care of his charges for a man thet abuses and uses you be carefull who you choose for your happness hangs in the balance.

I wish you luck, I hope you find happiness but... thought I'd point out that I didn't always hold these values, I was quite a selfish feminist at one point. It was only at the point of recognising that I wasn't happy with my marriage, it was starting to fail I think, that I started trying to look within myself to see what I could change. It was doing that that led me to read these books... I read anything and everything and I'm glad I did lol. Maybe you could try dropping a few hints for your wife and get her to read these books too. A book I would recommend you try first would be "The proper care and feeding of marriage" By Dr Laura schlessinger. You could be seen reading it yourself and if your wife asks you, just say.. "it looked interesting and I want to be a really good Husband to you" If she then reads it too, which she probably would, most women are incredibly nosy lol, can't help ourselves, some of it would rub off hopefully. I'm sorry if this is perhaps a little forward in me giving advice like this but it would be really sad for a 20 year marriage to end, I know a lot would say go to relate but I think tradition marriage therapy is geared around feminism and that doesn't sit right with me. Women are never made to be accountable for their actions, it always seems to be the mans fault for some reason.. he needs to listen more... be more understanding etc etc.. I don't think that's right, women do need to look more at themselves and start treating their men with some respect.

Thankyou for you comment by the way, I forgot to say thanks lol :o)

You go girl, exactly right. Would love to be added to your circle

You go girl, exactly right. Would love to be added to your circle

Thankyou, for some reason I didn't reply to you comment. I've also had a look at your profile and added you.:o)

I agree. It needs to stop but by backing feminism, you give them the opportunity for unacceptable prejudice like this to continue. There are other ways of ensuring that people are treated the right way that are far less dangerous.

I do agree that in certain respects north american society at present can be anti-male, especially in the education realm. As the mother of an awesome young boy, I too am bothered by this. I do feel schools cater to and are tailored towards girls and how they learn. The boys are falling behind girls at an alarming rate and something should be done about this. <br />
I also disagree with hiring quotas and educational quotas; for example many engineering schools have a quota system in place so as to have a certain percentage of its students be female. This is ridiculous and not necessary. Highly qualified females should be given the same chance as a highly qualified male applicant and not be given preference just because she is female. As you can see I do reject any sort of priviledge ba<x>sed on gender. I do believe these prejudices were originally put into place to right societys wrongs, however we are now increasingly a society that is prejudiced against the white male.

With the admissions you rightly made here it's all the more bizarre that you continue to rail against people for finding fault with feminism. The things you just described are the very essence of the modern (1970-present) feminist movement.

If this describes feminism then i would be strongly opposed to these particulars as they are as bigoted and wrongheaded as sexism is. With all due respect, I will state here as I have stated before that I have always believed that Feminism was the fight for gender equality, the right of females to choose their destinies regardless of gender ( I strongly support a womans right to choose homemaker just as I support her right to choose to be a Lawyer). I am pro life by the way. I also believe that feminism supports womens' human rights ( this is where I am most passionate).

when it began, feminism was probably honorable, I would most likely of been in support of it but now it needs to stop, men are actually being belittled and mocked and as a mother of sons, I don't want them growing up in a world like that. It isn't about gender equality anymore, it's gone way beyond that and the women who are chosing to be home makers are getting stick too.

Today feminism has done a full circle, I accept that what the sufferagettes were originally fighting for was honerable but now men are actually weaker and disrespected. Your daughter has not been protected by it, her life has been made harder not easier. Rights for women now become top priority and men are second class citizens and that is absolutely wrong. You only have to pick up a newspaper and really think about an artical to see that that is true, switch on the television to see men being ridiculed and belittled in the name of humor. I don't find that funny, I find it equally distrubing particularly as I am a mother to two young boys.

With all due respect that is a comedy and is not meant to be taken seriously. Many years ago women were treated much the same way... watch an episode of i love Lucy sometime.
I do not understand why everyone is so concerned about the rights of grown white men who have always and will always enjoy male privaledge. Women are never going to turn into abusive monsters who harm poor little men. I just don't understand why we feel compelled to baby poor little men.

I've seen I love lucy. I think it is sweet.

I am sorry but as the mother of a young daughter I find this trend disturbing. Robbo if it weren't for feminism you and I wouldn't have a voice at all. I don't know about you but the very notion of ever going back to how things used to be for women scares the living daylights out of me! I am pleased to vote, to drive, to be allowed an education ect. I most certainly would not want my little girl to feel that she is only to exist for the pleasure of a man. Im sorry but i respect and adore females too much to ever think that a world without feminism is a safe world for girls and women. One must only look to Afghanistan and most Asian nations to witness what i am speaking of.<br />
I did try this surrendering stuff and felt empty and scared. my hubby and i are happy as equals. I respect him because he wants to be equals.

I did write a "general" story about the needs of women and what we really want from men. Here is a link if anyone is interested:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e=1640364" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a><br />
<br />
Maybe I should write a story about what surrendered women are hoping to achieve and what we want from our men. could be a good conversation starter maybe....

I agree, great comment and well put, so thanks :o)

robbo, don't you find mjt550 comment insulting and manipulative, not to mention insulting to women???
Am I missing something here, but he sounds like he would like to control a women.

No I do not, for the simple reason that he recognises and accepts submission as a gift and doesn't try to take it by force. That is the essence of a true Gentleman, the "control" is not a negative thing but really, loving and protective.

See my reply to gumshoejane2 just above.

Thankyou :o)

i appreciate your thoughts and sharing this

Probably why I'm still married and hope to be in 20 years time too :o)

Before considering to receive, the husband must give his wife:<br />
* Affection<br />
* Provide assistance in her work and projects<br />
* Enhance the work of his wife<br />
* Think of her before thinking to himself<br />
* And all that is good for her

I stumbled across this post to day and its interesting.<br />
For years I have said we have given way to the emasculation of men.<br />
NOw dont get me wrong here, and yes I have been labeled a misogynist for stating these things, but what we have been teaching our children for years has not helped.<br />
The list above was very typical of the 1950's household.<br />
The woman was the heart and soul the man the brawn and brains. Again poor terminology , yet I hope you understand what I mean.<br />
As society evolved and things changed some of the fault lie in the fact that during the second world war with the men off to fight and industry needed to move forward we had women move from the home into industry,Rosey the riveter for 300 please Alex. AS men returned not all of the women were happy to return to the home.<br />
I understand that. Not everybody fits a clearly defined path.<br />
Then as the women's lib movement expended beyond its original goals things began to shift .<br />
You have little girls in the BOYscouts..<br />
How are boys supposed to learn to be boys with little girls in their midst?<br />
At least the girl scouts got it right , No men as leaders.<br />
Girls joining the varisty teams of the boys in high school. <br />
I played on a junior lacrosse team and on the other team was a female. Coach came in the room and told us and warned us to be careful.<br />
I was at the time 6foot 3 and 245 pounds the young lady was 5foot3 and 130 pounds. Twice as I lined up the small pla<x>yer coming across the floor with their head down I realized it was the girl . Had I hit her the way i was taught she would have probably never gotten up and walked properly.<br />
I threw out my shoulder the second time because I pulled back.<br />
After that game the girls were no longer allowed to play with the boys. <br />
Now hold on a minute some are saying . equality and all that. And yes I get that. The young lady in question went on to play four years on a full ride at duke on the womens lacrosse team. She had no business on the floor with the boys though.<br />
Men and women's bodies are different. Its that simple.<br />
<br />
We are programed different .<br />
Why can we not see that by celebrating our differences that is how we become equal

I agree 100%, Equality doesn't mean sameness. We should celebrate out differences as we are both as useful as each other but in different ways.

That's a great point tossalterego and so true

Thankyou for your comment, I know it took some courage to share that. I hope you find all you need from a relationship in the future.

As a man, I can assure you ladies that what you read here is of the utmost importance to us men. Like you, we sometimes behave in a manner that positively deserves NO respect or favor and that is when we need you the most. If your man is generally of respectable character, I can almost promise you that if you push yourself beyond the point you believe is your limit in the area of tollerence, support, and respect, he will come out the other end of the crap you are dealing with awestruck over the way you handled yourself. And, at least in my world, every possible want and need you might have or desire from him (within reason) will flow over you like warm sunshine on a very cold day. Because of LOVE (respect) he will not stop in his effort to be pleasing to your eyes and heart. Trust me on that one. The reason why a man, who appears on the outside to be tough as nails, can possess such a fragile ego, is beyond my understanding; and I am that man.<br />
FYI: After years of not meeting each others needs, My wife and I are on the path to "divorceland". I KILLED her spirit; I then chewed it up; I spit it out on the ground; and then I urinated all over it simply because she does know how to wrap her heart around the idea that my needs from her are somewhat similar to her needs from me, but do not smell the same, do not look the same, and do not sound the same as what society seems to constantly tell men about what a women needs from a man. Where in society does a women get reminded on a daily basis, of the things her man needs from her? Please don't let your man go over the waterfall. Where I went after I fell over is so ugly that even I am discussed with myself. I am a great swimmer, but without an occasional ego stroke I could'nt get enough air to breath, I fell into a river of acid, and that good man I spoke of earlier basicly reached out as he was going down, and took the women he fell in love with over the falls with him. I sometimes wonder if women have any clue of the power they possess to help guide their marrige to greatness. All they need is the right tools. I hope my story helps women to want to find the proper tools to use.

Thankyou :o)

This group is about a surrendered marriage. I believe it is one of many ways to achieve harmony in marriage but it is not easy in a modern world. Trusting your Husband to take control takes alot of strength and will power. It is very easy to slip into old ways! I found it hard at first but now it comes as second nature. I have realised that naturally I am very submissive when I am safe to be so. Surrendering suits my personality but I'm not sure it could work for a person who is unable to give over control.

Well I believe that when two people fall in love and achieve a succesful marriage, they become complete. When a man marries and has children he will begin to face challenges that are greater than any others he is likely to experience. Of course not all men manage these challenges effectively or in a way which would make you respectful or proud, but on the whole, I believe that for many men - and women, marriage and children are milestones in life where you finally realise you are an adult at last. It means that you begin to think of others first and yourself last. I understand your point, A man doesn't "need" a wife to make him a man, it is possible to be a responsible adult and not be married, but I do believe that these milestones in life help him on his way. <br />
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When I say that a man needs to know that his wife is on his side, I mean genuine loving support, NOT agreeing with everything he says, or giving him false praise. Contrary to what feminists have led us to believe about men, they do not continuously need to have their ego's massaged and yes my Husband and I do have disagreements from time to time! There are some wives who do not give support to their Husbands. They continuously nag and belittle them or else supervise them like they are idiots, because they do not believe they will get it right. Wives do not mean to behave like that, it just sort of happens without them noticing, but it is ofen the beginning of a marriage failing. It starts so inoccently with loose talk to their friends and this lack of respect spreads in a womans mind like a disease. Men do need their women to be on their side and they need to be respected for the gifts that they bring. I've seen marriages crumble when this isn't so.

I don't see this as an attack, just a differing opinion which I respect. Some of your points I agree with, I understand that there will always be times where you will feel weak but that is where it is a wifes duty to support you in making you feel strong and confident. Your wife probably does this without your realisation and if she withdrew her support for you, you would probably realise pretty quick.<br />
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I do not baby my Husband. He is very responsible and mature and a man whoom I can depend upon whole heartedly. Being a surrendered wife, means relinquishing inappropriate control. I have since wished to take this further by becoming taken in hand but that was my choice, not his. Due to the amount of control and responsibility my Husband has to make in our relationship, it is impossible for him to be immature. If this was so he would surely crumble under the stress. I am greatful for the role that he has, and as a result I do like to spoil him. I do much for my Husband that many wifes don't, but this does not mean he is incapable of doing these things for himself. Fairly recently, I injured my knee and my husband took on most of the home care and cooking. To me, this is what a good marriage consists of, loving and supporting each other. It seems we just have different ideas of what this means. I do appreciate your comment though.

I am amazed that such a harmless. innocuous, loving set of suggestions could draw a lengthy attack like this.

Thanks. It took me a while to accept that these things are important for a marriage to be its best but I'm glad I gave it a go, we are stronger than ever and I love my hub sooo much!

robbo21,<br />
I think your last point "He needs to know his wife is permanently on his side," is possibly the most important one of all. If a man can truly believe this about his spouse, then everything else will follow, most likely sooner rather than later. Thanks sincerely for posting this.

AmIAClinger, I sympathize with you greatly.<br />
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May I ask, where do you and your wife stand in regard to Jesus Christ? (It's relevant to the problem you've set forth.)

AmIAClinger your story has broken my heart! I wish I had the answers to fix it all but the truth is I don't. I can only share what has worked for me in my marriage.<br />
All of the stuff I listed above is what I have learned from reading books, mainly by Laura Schlessinger. Her advice seemed to strike a cord with me and as soon as I started to put it all into practice, wonderful things have happened for us. I know we have been happier as a result. We took turns to read her books aloud to each other when we were snuggled up in bed, it was great to open up lines of communication and talk about stuff that we wouldn't have normally because it was too difficult and we didn't know how. Maybe it might be something you would consider doing with you wife? <br />
My only other advice is to continue to look for that job. Look everywhere and consider everything, sometimes you just never know what may be right unless you are brave enough to give it a go. I know you are brave cause it must of took guts to write that story and deal with all the emotions that it must have stirred up for you. Just a crazy thought but did you ever consider writing? You come across as intelligent and well educated so maybe you could find something on line that could earn you a little extra? I really hope you get "back on the right track and am going to pray that this happens as soon as possible. Good luck. :o)

Hi. I'm a first time reader of this post and just wanted to share with you what is going on in my marriage and my life. And yes I am a man, at least I think i am. My wife and I have been married for 25 years, 26 this July. Up until recently I have dealt with most of the issues that has come up in my own way and just chalk it up as what my wife always says "it is what it is". Not much really happens between us intimate wise. I can venture to say that we can go as far as a few weeks to several months before we have any physical contact. On any given day she will come home take her shower, put on her bed clothes and for the most part fall asleep. I try my best to show her that I love her. Since I have been home I take care of the house, wash the clothes, do the dishes and so on. When she wants to go somewhere, I go. I hold her hand, I kiss her in public and constantly show affection. But all this doesn't seem to do any good. I am feeling quite lonely. I've put myself out there so many times just to be rejected. She says she loves me, but those are just words to me.<br />
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Back in the 90's I had an affair. It wasn't for the sex. It was for what a woman sees in a man to make him feel like a man and that other woman made that happen. Since then, the same things go on day in and day out and I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels in this marriage. I don't want to have another affair. It was wrong the first time and will most certainly be wrong if I did it again. I love my wife, but I believe in my heart that we aren't going to go any further. I can keep doing what I'm doing, going shopping, getting our hair cuts together, taking walks and holding hands, but that is all it seems that my wife wants from me. I have no idea what she wnts and I can honestly say for sure that she has no idea what I want. I think I really need help figuring out what to do.<br />
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I'm a city boy from Atlanta that is transplanted to the farmland of Delaware. There isn't much for me to do but look at the trees and the soybeans/corn and the four wall,cealings and the idiot box. I have no friends to speak of and like I said before, unemployed, jobs are not that plentyful here. My wifes says that is fine. I keep trying to find work something everyday but I'm 57 and I think that is hurting me. Most of the things I like to do don't really mean much to me anymore. I just sold my drums, I am a good drummer but I lost interest. I have a muscle car in the garage and just put that up for sale today, I also have a Harley which is for sale. My wife doesn't show any interest in those things. It just feels like there is no interest in me. Help me get on the right track because I don't know where I am.

Robbo 21. I wished I had a printer that worked so I could print this wonderful list out and put it on my fridge so my husband would know that these are the goals I wish to obtain everyday. We already practice taken in hand but to visually show him what all this means to me would probably have him melting. Our marriage is so much more since I became a surrendered wife.

This is great! I am sharing this with our readers. Great story and true!!!!!

I agree. That sort of talk is certainly not helpful or respectful in anyway, neither is it funny. If a male was to sit and make jokes about female anatomy being not good enough, we would say he was immature and a comment like that would most likely come from a school boy and so be treated as such. But if a woman makes a comment about penis size? It's suddenly hysterically funny? How so? How is this ever going to make a man feel respected or turn him into a strong confident lover. Egg shells is right! The fact that these comments actually arise from female insecurity doesn't make it any more acceptable, or give you the right to play mind games because he hasn't said I love you for 36 hours. That is certainly not going to make him love you any more. It is the nature of women to feel insecurity and you cannot get around that but there are ways of handling it more acceptably, like reminding yourself about what he does rather than what he says. If my husband didn't tell me he loved me I would look for what showed it in his actions rather than his words because they are far far more important. He gets out of bed to go to work every day so provides for my safety and security. He doesn't stop doing this, even when he feels like giving up and that's what tells me he loves me. That's much more important than a bunch of flowers or a throw away "I love you"

I would add it is very valuable that a wife make her husband feel that she is on his side. And this needs to be a permanent sort of thing, not with an expiration date, such as "He hasn't said 'I love you' for 36 hours, so he's in the doghouse." I think absorbing feminism causes wives to really not at all be on their husband's side.<br />
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And the usually condescending "fragile ego" talk is something women need to lay off. Just don't say anything about penis size and don't ever tell him he's crappy in bed. If he is crappy in bed, tell him what you need for him to start doing that he hasn't been doing. But generally it's husbands, not wives, who have to learn to walk on eggshells.

Thanks for your comment, you have not offended me in the slightest. I was expecting to get a lot of maliciousness from women feminists about many of my stories and I have, I even had to block one of them!! I did ask for men to leave their comments and I am grateful that you have. I'm chuffed that this post has made you think about your own needs and situation and I hope that by whatever means, you find a way to get the most out of your relationship for both yourself and your wife. x

You know, I'm not very good with words this week. But the concept you're touching on (that we all have a responsibility to seek out what works for us and those closest to us) is something I agree with very strongly. Life has very few occasions of "one size fits all", so it is an individual decision. And I'm not only glad it works for you and yours, but I'm also glad you shared. It's been interesting to me, I've caught myself thinking about it all day. Trying to figure out why exactly it wouldn't work for me. And it's lead to some insights about myself and helped me understand better what it is I seek in my own relationship. I find words awkward lately, but i hope this gets across better what I meant. I didn't mean to diss or attack or anything like that, and I wish you the best. I'm sorry if I came across wrong, and hope I caused no offense. =)

We have a responsibility to choose a way of life that makes other people and ourselves happy and I accept that this is not the way to make everyone happy but I has certainly worked for us which is why I shared it.

Well I'm a guy, and I don't agree. But I wish the best to those that this works for. Just because it's not what I look for doesn't mean it won't work for someone different than me, and I hope it works for those that try it. And I hope that those who try it and it doesn't work, have enough sense to look for what does work for their individual situation instead.

I am glad you are happy shoreboy but I also want to make it clear that I am not a down trodden little woman who has been duped into this, I am a strong woman, I have a good education and I choose this way of life after careful consideration. I am just sharing my story because after I read all of the books on this subject and put the principles into action, I found that it works for us and as a couple we are much happier and actually I get more of what I want and don't have to nag to get it.

I must say while I agree with some of your list I vehemently disagree with other items. My wife is a strong independent woman. She has a long term career as a senior engineer for a telco. She is a wife and a wonderful mother to our kids. I guess I do NOT want a 'surrendered wife'... a meek submissive woman would probably just irritate the h3ll out of me... I want a woman with fire who will jump right up and disagree with me if she doesn't agree. I don't need my wife to tell/show me I'm a man. My self-confidence is not that fragile. <br />
Maybe it's just me.

As far as I know there isn't a book which supports the male side of surrendering but I can tell you what my husband does for me and you will see why I love him so much and want to surrender to him.<br />
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* He is sole bread winner, he works really long hours to earn enough money so that I can stay at home and be a foster parent. This was one of my ambitions, something I wouldn't be able to do otherwise.<br />
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* He is the strongest and most together man I have ever met, he is always there for me, no matter what and everything he does is with my best interests at heart, he is also my best friend and my "other half"<br />
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* He does all of the bloke things around the house, he re-wired the kitchen, built the computer desk at which I am sitting at now, decorated every room in the house, put up a fence and layed crazy paving in the garden... The list goes on and on. All of this he did by fitting it around his full time job.<br />
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This is what a good man should do for a woman. In my opinion it is fair that I do all of the cooking and cleaning.

I need some help here. My wife likes it when i take charge sexually and I enjoy it as well. As far as telling her what I want and expect even when we are not together. We both like that as well. We are new to exploring this side of us. We don't want it to be role playing but to be real. We are true partners and will always discuss and decide together about everything in our lives. She truly is my best friend. I don't only love her but i like her as well, if that makes sence. Anyway, I'd like to be more dominant sexually but don't want to lose the partner and friendship either. I do want her to take charge at times in bed too but most of the time, I think we like me to be in charge. We both even like having me tell her what to do sexually while i'm at work or away. I guess i'm looking for some advise from anyone who has experience in this area. I don't want to dominate our entire realationship but we both like the idea of better defining our roles expecially sexually.

Yes. Agreed. I treat all women as ladies and men as gentlemen , untill they prove themselfs unworthy of that treatment. <br />
I appreciate your posts here , seems it is lost on some.<br />
society has tried VERY hard to make us homogenous. <br />
NOT how we were ment to be. We are different. <br />
THANK GOD !<br />
and you Ladies are great!!!<br />
to me , a woman should be a NUN In the street, a chef in the kitchen and the ***** of babylon in the bedroom.

I agree with everything here but I would add that it is better to treat everyone with respect regardless, rise above so to speak. At the end of it all at least you have your integrity and others may learn from you.

This is an interesting topic.<br />
I have for a lONG time said , that women are the ones that created society, because MEN as cave men were out killing animals to bring home, to women and children.<br />
Women picked the strongest ( or best hunter) to mate with because it was the smart choice. Their kids would be fed. <br />
We have been conditioned to do this.<br />
Now "society" wants us to forget this notion and treat women equally and forget how we were "selectively engineered".<br />
I personally refuse this notion that men and women are equal!<br />
if we were then we could reproduce like snails. ( GROSS)<br />
I go through life treating women like ladies untill they prove themselves unworthy of such treatment. Men are treated like gentlemen , again untill they prove themselves not worthy.

You're right, Robbo.. actions are often more important than words.. I've been learning this the hard way, lately.<br />
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I agree with everything you've said here Dee, Communication definitely is the key but I've learnt that men communicate feelings differently to women so talking is not always enough.

I just don't think surrender is the right term here. I agree with the showing appreciation, kindness, love, being supportive etc. Respect is something that is earned between two people. And it is definitely a two way street.. both partners should show appreciation, be supportive etc. But often it is the woman who takes the lead in these areas.<br />
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I have found that communication is the number one thing in a relationship. It sounds like a cliche, but it is so true. For years my husband and I didn't really talk to each other, and we are (finally) learning to do this now. Even though we have some issues between us and are dealing with a lot of changes, we are closer right now than we've ever been, because we've started really talking to each other. It actually took a threat to our relationship to get him to see a lot of things that were happening (or not happening) and make him pay attention to what was important to me and our family as a whole. I think I just accepted a lot of things over the years, and tried to live with a situation that I really wasn't entirely happy with. We are now dealing with a lot of issues that we both swept aside for too long.<br />
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This is probably much more than you really wanted to know, lol, but this story has kind of brought this all up for me. I am struggling right now with trying to find a balance between attending to my what my husband needs from our relationship, and what I need to do as an individual. Sometimes this balancing act can be quite intricate and even confusing. I end up paying attention to what ever is more demanding at the time. Hopefully I will get this figured out sooner or later.<br />
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Thank you for this story, Robbo.. it's made me think and work to sort some things through for myself. I haven't gotten close to a conclusion, but often this can be dangerous anyways, to make up one's mind completely.. it's often best to leave open for possibilities.

You are right to question, it is dangerous to get involved with anything without understanding enough to make an informed choice. I can only tell my side of the story and how it has changed my life, I am not a 1950's style house wife who is chained to the kitchen sink with no identity or freedom to live life. I love my life and I have not lost any part of myself. Read the books and then choose. :o)

This is a very interesting story. Reading this, I think this is exactly what my husband wants. Problem is, I have real trouble with this. I want to make him happy, of course, but at the same time I want to be true to myself. I'm just not sure if both can be done. It seems like an intricate dance with complicated steps, to me, try and do both (what is suggested here AND be true to myself at the same time). This has really got me thinking...

I remember thinking exactly those same things, and also buying this book because I thought it would be a laugh to read. <br />
Laura Doyle, the author, was 30 years old and like me, unhappy in her marriage. She says:<br />
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" I was lonely and exhausted from trying to do everything myself. When I learned to stop controlling and criticizing my Husband and practised receiving graciously, something magical happened; The union I had always dreamed of appeared and the man who had wooed me was back"<br />
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On the front cover it says " A step by step guide to finding intimacy, passion and peace with a Man" I never expected to get exactly what it says on the can but I did and I learnt valuable lessons about Men into the bargain. Its up to you if you choose to look into this, and I am not promising it will work for everyone. All I am saying is it worked for me, so If there is anyone who is unhappy in their marriage, other than an over inflated ego, there isn't a lot to loose by trying.

You are absolutely right scarlet, the process of surrendering has brought us so much closer because it builds trust and there is no place for selfishness.

It's unfortunate that this is called surrendering because it tends to put people off before they have had an opportunity to make an informed choice as the word surrender can imply that you have to give away part of yourself and become worthless in the process, which is not the case at all. I am an intelligent and strong willed woman and believe me, I would not have even contemplated surrendering if I thought it would mean losing myself.

Near perfect? Not at all. If anyone has a near perfect marriage or husband then I wouldn't advocate changing anything, after all, what ever you are doing to achieve that, you must be doing something right.<br />
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It is absolutely essential that no woman *ever* surrenders to a man who is abusive either physically or psychologically. He must have the ability to be accountable for his actions so must not be affected by any addictions, either alcohol, drugs or gambling. He must not be a serial cheat either. In my opinion an affair is often just one symptom of what is already wrong in a marriage (you need to decide if you are able to forgive and try again) but if the man is incapable of staying faithful and this keeps happening time and time again, then you do not surrender.<br />
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If you and your husband can answer no to all of the above but you are drifting apart in your marriage and you don't know why, then Submitting may be an answer for you. Maybe you have become over whelmed by your busy lives or you have had a baby and the adjustment has caused some strain for you. If this is you, if you feel unhappy as you are, that there needs to be a change and you fear your marriage will come to an end. Really, what have you got to loose by giving this a try? For people in this situation I suggest that you try reading "The proper care and feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. This is a really good starter book. You can follow on from this by reading "The surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyal which covers the concept in a more in-depth way.

You've read the books I have mentioned and have tried surrendering although it did not work for you? You also say you have known others who have tried this and it didn't work for them either. I can't tell you how sad this makes me feel, especially since I have joined EP and have read endless stories from wives complaining that "my husband and I have grown apart" and "I feel alone in my marriage" Becoming a surrendered wife was not an easy journey for me, but in the beginning, I had nothing to loose apart from my marriage so I was willing to try anything. I can't speak for other people but for me and my Husband, surrendering has definitely strengthened our marriage and I'm sure there will be others who it will help too. That is why I shared my story.

Sorry if I am being so harsh but I have been there and that has not worked for nor anyone I have ever known.<br />
There is a Poem posted here by flutterby. It's by Ana Castillo. This poem says it all. It's also what I want from my relationship and what both men and women I have shared it with want.

Ok so maybe "hero's" is a bad choice of word but you have to agree that there is something about those characters that makes them attractive. I think it's the rescue factor, I know I'm not the only woman who wants a strong and powerful man to take care of her. If I was, then those films wouldn't be half as successful as they are.

So if a man provides clothing, shelter and payment of services rendered ie: Pretty Women. Then they are hero's!

I believe that Men fall in love more easily than women because they are not hung up with the practicalities of relationships such as whether she has a nice car or what job she does. Women have evolved to be selective in this way because their choice of mate dictated theirs and their children's survival.<br />
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Women can perceive men to be less loving and less romantic because they tend to be less emotionally aware and expressive than women are, because Men prefer to solve problems using their thinking brain rather than their emotional brain (although this does not mean that they are devoid of all feeling).<br />
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Society brings men up to be big, strong and powerful but deep inside I think many feel weak and lacking in confidence. They try to make up for it by acting like a hero because they are afraid to come across as weak and vulnerable, but, just because they are men, it does not mean they are immune from the fears and insecurities that all human beings face in life.<br />
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Little boys receive less sympathy from their parents than their female siblings do if they fall down graze a knee and you only have to look at the hero's in romance films like Pretty Woman and Bridget Jones' Diary so see how deeply society conditions men to behave in this way. <br />
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If we are to make our relationships work, I think we as women need to understand that Men communicate differently to us, partly because of chemistry and partly because of society's expectations.

Thank You, I was in a taken in hand relationship once. Yet my GF was so confusing I had no idea what she really wanted because she never really explained it to me. She just said" go to this site look up this, and thats what I want" Problem was it went from taken in hand to sado-masichism to borderline rape. So being in todays society, I was at times scared to touch her. Yet she wanted me to be forceful and it made me uneasy and I never fullfilled what she wanted because i could'nt figure it out. I understood the head of the household concept, but since I had never had any brothers and my father was away a lot, i was around women, mostly my sisters who were older. So it put me at a disadvantage. It was like trying to teach a class and you don't have any idea about the subject. I liked the concepts, but i needed someone more loving and "grounded" I guess. I remember watching "fireproof" she even got me the book. It sounded to me like religious dogma. I understood the looking after the woman in your life concept. Yet I seen that movie and i realized it was her own deep seeded problems with her past that made her the way she was. She was the one with the problems. I think it would work with a more loving ie non broken person...

I too feel that it is inate in myself and in loving commented relationships to feel, express and give of yourself to the one you love. However, surrendering to dominance is not respect, rewarding or fulfilling.

Sure there are always exceptions which is why you never ever surrender to a man who is physically or psychologically abusive towards you or one who is a pathological liar or a serial cheat.


Yeah, TT is right...not ALL men are loving like that. But same goes with women...there are always exceptions. There's good men and women, and there's men and women who are jerks. But ideally, love should go both ways. And it's definitely EASIER for a man to love a woman if she treats him like you described.

Great story! I'm not a husband...but I would want my wife to be a lot like that description.<br />
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I think it is a lot about strength...women make us men feel strong. And that last point you mentioned in that last comment is SO TRUE.

Two more additions to this from hardstriker11 - Thanks.<br />
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* A man does not want his requests to make love to his wife turned down.<br />
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In Dr Laura's book, the care and feeding of husbands, She writes that, for Husbands, sex is a man's way of of saying 'I love you' Obviously, its a bit of a kick in the balls if you constantly knock him back!<br />
This leads on to hardstriker's second point...<br />
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* Men have very fragile ego's, be careful how you handle them.<br />
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The main point here I think is that if you love your man, he will love you back.