Not As Strong...

I have slowly been coming to the realization that I'm not as strong as I once thought I was, when it comes to talking about my abusive childhood.

Perhaps it's the hormonal, emotionally fragile state I find myself in as a result of menopause, or simply because I've begun to surround myself, online, with other abuse survivors and people with disabilities, but I'm starting to feel a bit overloaded and finding myself revisiting my past.

On one hand I think it's beneficial to talk with other survivors... it gives you a sense of not being alone, of knowing someone truly understands what you went through, how you feel, how it's damaged you, but on the other hand, it opens you up to those raw feelings that can trigger the pain of the past abuse, it can trigger your post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) and that can be bad, because some of us have trouble coping without the help of a professional to guide us through those feelings.

While I was participating in a PTSD Treatment and Support Group, I talked to the psychologist who was running the group about whether it was a good idea for me to write a book about my abusive childhood, that I thought it would be cathartic, it would allow me to confront some of the events and people in a non-confrontational way, perhaps deal with them and move forward. He told me he recommended against doing so without the support and guidance of a professional like himself, because taking on such a project meant having to relive and deal with terribly painful events and could lead to a serious depressive event. He feared for my emotional well-being.

I'm finding that I'm needing to 'guard' myself against too much exposure to the stories of others, against sharing too much of what I endured, as I'm taking too many trips back to my childhood lately, thinking too much about the abuse, the lost relationships, and the pain it's ultimately caused me.

I'm not as strong as I once thought I was. This is a sobering realization.
rollingwithhusky rollingwithhusky
46-50, F
4 Responses Jul 25, 2010

I understand how you feel. I have some memories or nightmares as I would call it of being abused as well I was left for feral.

But you know writing it down of a childhood abuse experience would retrigger some memories that come from the buried past. You can listen some of their stories and perhaps even empathize with them to an extent. You are still strong, you just can't take on the weight of the world.

I hope everything goes well for you. Also for the writing of childhood abuse experience what I do is just write it down in a journal page, tear it out and throw it into a fireplace so that I could watch it burn.

Your therapist was right,writing a book about your childhood abusive experience would retrigger buried memories just under the surface and awaken a lot of fear, anger,sadness even guilt that you might find very hard to cope with.It would be like rubbing a scar to make it bleed again,so it would have to heal all over again.And also,taking other abuse victims' memories on board would have the same effect,revive unwanted memories.Many of us who have to a greater and lesser extent suffered from abuse as children never quite get over it, we can only learn to live with it as best we can,but it gives us the depth of insight and understanding that only abuse victims can have.

Thank you berangere. I have abandon any idea of writing about my childhood. I do blog online as I'm learning to understand some of the factors that contributed to the abuse, but even that, I know I must step away from.

Thank you Taque. It's good to know someone understands even this. :)

It sounds cold hearted but you can't allow yourself to take on the burden of others. You can listen some of their stories and perhaps even empathize with them to an extent. You are still strong, you just can't take on the weight of the world. It is beneficial o talk to others who have been through what you have. It helps you to not feel as alone. I understand what you're talking about more than you know or that I care to explain. Take care and I hope all goes well for you, what ever road you choose.