Abuse and Denial Transformed To Acceptance and Joy through ForgivenessTwenty years ago an event profoundly shaped my entire being and I almost forgot about this secret that I've kept buried; because I was told to do so by my abusers, whom I still love, my parents. After a decade of hypochondria, I have become able to lift the veil that is my denial; a place where I used to find serenity. For nearly my entire life I have felt guilty, ashamed, and utterly worthless as I was led to believe that I had betrayed my family.
My first grade teacher noticed something in me one morning and I spoke with a counselor whom I had confessed that morning's events to. I wasn't putting my shoes on fast enough (I still tie my shoes "wrong" at the age of 26) and my father had rifled my lunch box at me out of frustration, which he also expressed out loud and onto to me.
The next memories I have are being at home when CPSA came to speak with my parents, while I was also present. I was told by my mother that I had made a mistake and that I was simply a sensitive child whom had exaggerated what had happened. I will never forget the guilt, shame, and sense of betrayal as my mother hugged me while crying her eyes out, not to comfort me, but to comfort herself.
I was not comfortable. I would runaway only to find myself alone and wishing someone would save me. I attempted to commit suicide before I had ever been taught about such a notion. My parents did not talk to me about what had happened nor did I receive any therapy as they went on to live in their world of denial. I gave up and accepted that my comfort level did not matter and I lost myself more and more as I attempted to feel a sense of control through manipulating my younger brothers to prevent my parents from fighting. I attempted to control them the only way I knew how to (the only way I had seen) and that was to abuse them.
When I became able to forgive myself for how I treated my brothers, I was able to forgive my parents as well as my grandparents. They surely suffered more abuse than I had and although that is no justification, I have become more accepting of imperfections in light of how society is advancing. I am grateful for such advancements such as this website. Every time I am allowed to share what isn't suppose to said, what is a buzz-kill, and what are MY feelings... I gain greater acceptance of my value and that I will be forever recovering from events that I have already survived.
I will never forget the hellish confusion that was my life before I was aware of my trauma and I hope what I have shared encourages others to be honest with themselves, to demand honesty from others when beneficial, and most of all; I wish to let those in silence know that they aren't alone, to have hope and patience to learn to speak up, and to love yourselves. My experiences are a huge part of who I am and although I've reached a point to where I can chase down a runaway or start a conversation with a shy person, the best gift I can offer to humanity is sharing who I honestly am and how I feel without any fear and plenty of sadness. Forgiveness and sorrow are a means of guidance to lead us to acceptance and joy.
gentlebudderflyer 26-30, M 0 Feb 9, 2013