When my single mother couldn't make ends meet, I would pay for it in anguish. There was nothing scarier to me than the end of the month. I felt as though 'something wicked this way comes'. When there wasn't enough money to pay all the bills my mother would blame me and my existence. "If you wouldn't have been born, i wouldn't have these problems" she would yell. "Here is one dollar, go buy some rope and hang yourself in the park" she would dictate and wave a dollar bill at me. If that wasn't enough there was physical and mental torture. She would sprinkle raw grains of rice on the floor and make me kneel on them. Once I woke up feeling hot and sweaty, to find she had set my bed on fire. Afterwards she blamed it on a cigarette that she hadn't realized she dropped.

So now I have my own kids and regret every minute of it. I am terrified to hurt them. I so scared that I think it makes me a bad parent.

Maybe she was right, and I should hang myself?
cleartext cleartext
41-45, M
1 Response Aug 20, 2014

Don't kill yourself. I went to school with a girl whose father killed himself and she explained how she felt about it.

She felt like it was her fault, like she should should have been able to stop him. She also hated him because he would never see her go to prom, graduate, get married, or see his grandchildren. She was also very depressed because not only is he going to miss out on all the milestones in her life, she will never get to see him again.

Do you want your children to feel that way about you? Loosing a parent has got to be one of the hardest things a child can go through, but loosing a parent to suicide is worse.

You realize what your mother did was wrong, so you are the one to stop the cycle of abuse in your family. Think about how you were treated, do you want your children to feel that way? Nobody is a perfect parent. They all mess up, some more than others. Confide in your partner about how you feel. They will help you. Your partner doesn't want your children to feel like you did as a child. Together you will be able to decide the best way to approach certain issues. Stay strong, you deserve to be happy no matter what anybody says. :)

Thank you very much. You have helped me.

I'm glad. My dad wasn't very good to me, he still isn't. It saddens me because you seem like you have a lot of potential to be a great father that is what all children want. :)