Male Suvivor

I am also a survivor of sexual abuse. For me it started with the baby sitter when I was 8. My mom, and dad, divorced when I was 7, and we, my brother, sister (twins), and mom, and me, moved into a housing project for low income families. My sister was 6 at the time it began. The siter, and my sister were taking a bath, and I had to use the bathroom. The siter told me to come on in, that they wouldn't watch, so I did. She talked me into getting in the tub with her and my sister. She began to teach us about oral sex. She and my sister took turns with me, then I took turns with them. This happend several times, untill my sister and I started doing it on our on. We moved around a lot, and soon it was just my sister and me for about 4 years. At this time my mother began to molest me, have oral sex with me, and tried to get me to have intercourse with her. I became so disgusted that all sexual activity stopped at this time. As I grew into man hood, I felt that this was just sexual experience, and continued on. No bad feelings, no bad memories. I just didn't think about it much at all. As a young man I got married, and my wife had a younger sister age 8. The younger sister tried to secuce me by getting naked and offering herself to me. To this day I don't know where she got the idea, but I'm sure she didn't think it up on her own. I scolded her, and told her that if she continued I would tell her mother. That stopped, and never happened again. I relate this to say that I just wasn't interested in a girl that young. Jump ahead 6 years, and the wife and I have a 5 year old daughter. We were having some bad times, low income, and not much sex. My wife thought that once a month was about as far as she was willing to go. One night while the wife was gone, and my daughter and I were at home alone I saw her lying in the floor colloring, legs spread, and panties open. Old memories started coming back about me, and my sister. I began that night to molest my daughter. I never had intercourse with her, but did try. A lot of touching, and oral sex, both ways. After several years of this behavior my daughter told her aunt, the same one that tried to seduce me, what was happening, and my wife took the kids and left me. At this time we also had two boys. I tried for several years to get my family back, but it just wasn't going to happen. I have spent many years in the office of many shrinks. I am also an alcoholic, as was my mother, and her dad. I have completed the 12 step program with AA, and have tried to make amends to all. Still to this day I have no relationship with my daughter, and her two daughers what soever. I do love my daughter, and would like to someday be able to talk to her. I have no relationship with my sister either. Child sexual abuse takes a heavy toll on all involved. The only person in the family that will still talk to me is my brother, and he does know all the facts. I have never tried to molest any other child, and I hope that it never, ever happens again. My wife knows, and I asked her 20 years ago to never leave me in a situation where something might happen. God, and family look out for me every day, and I am very thankfull!
1stcarver 1stcarver
61-65, M
1 Response Jul 10, 2010

I want to be upset with you, but I am no better. Your family really ****** you up, and I felt empathy for you more than anything. I hope when your daughter is older, she will understand and learn to forgive you.