Well.....time To Share

I remember being a little girl growing up in a crack infested home, it was just my dad and 5 other siblings, I dont remember what age my sexual abuse started, I just know that it was something me and dad did together, I started out giving him oral sex and being forced to swallow, then when I reached the age of five, he told me i was ready, he always told me when I turned five I would be ready, at that young age I dint know what he meant until my fith birthday, he layed me down and rubbed vasaline all over me and him, and the force began, he pushed and pushed and it finally slid in, it when in analy, I remember it feeling like a bowel movement moving in and out, i can also remember his excitement when he finally got it in, I didnt understand that I just had sex, he was so proud of me for not making a sound that he bought me whatever i wanted form the store that day, and I was just happy that he did, it continued daily after that, until i reached my next phase at the age of eleven, by then I was very good at sex (anal) so he took it to the next level, I already knewwhat was about to happen so being scared and halfway out of my mind I went with him and he losened me up with one of his toys that he keeped under the mattress, he then proceeded to have itercourse with me, I just layed there and took it, he put me in a hot bath after that and went on with his day of smoking crack with all his crackhead friends, me I just sat there upset and afraid, wanting it to stop and thinking of ways to make it stop, so when i got out the bath I went up to the second story balcony and jumped, I thought to myself if i hurt myself he would stop, so I jumped and hit the solid concrete patio on the ground, i woke up in the hospital with him waiting next to my bed crying, he said why did you do this, i said i dont want to be hurt no more.... so after he heard that he said to me dont tell the doctors that he did anything cause they would take him to jail and i would never see my family again cause the state would take them away, out of fear i didnt tell.

They kept me there for a few days, then released me to guess who, the abuse stopped for a few weeks but as soon as I got well he did it again.... and it didnt stop until we got caught one day by my brother, and he tried to kill our dad and the police came and I finally told, but little did i know this was the begining of more abuse to come, this is just a snippet of the abuse i went through, I tried telling my mon before when I was young but she didnt believe me, and she told him and he beat me with a broken peice of wood with nail in it after that, so i was very afraid to tell again.

I'm hoping that by coming here and sharing this that I can finaly meet people who are a little bit like me and understand why my thinking may be a little different, I'm not just some crazy paranoid girl who has no heart, I love and I feel, I just need someone to understand my past and what I've been through, thank you to everyone who has shared their story, today was my first time and I hope something good comes from it.
Hallema Hallema
26-30, F
4 Responses Aug 5, 2010

Thank you so much for sharing! I'm still working up the courage but reading stories like yours is really helping.

I hope this tragic experience does not affect the way u live your life and no matter what u can get throuhh this :)

poor thing........i'll keep you on my prayers for now on...

words cannot express the rage i feel for you. such a beautiful and innocent little person who was so violently violated. i hope you know you are not alone here, you have been heard