Some Of My Story In Survey Form...

1. What age were you when you were assaulted? 5, probably earlier, until 18.
2. Was the assault one incident or more than one? More than one
3. Was the assailant one perpetrator or more? More
4. If more than one incident, how many? Unknown, it went on for years regularly and intermittently
5. From what year or age to what year or age were you assaulted? 5-18
6. How many times have you been assaulted in your life? Unknown
7. How many perpetrators assaulted you in your life? 5
8. Did you tell someone about the assault(s)? not until I was in college and I told about some of them, then in 2003 to a counselor
9. If yes, who did you tell? Someone at a rape crisis center
10. What was their reaction? The crisis center helped me realize what had happened to me was molestation and helped put words to my feelings. My counselor has been most helpful for me to get a better perspective and understand lies that I started to believe about myself and others because of what happened and help me let go of shame and guilt. When I told my mother, her first reaction was “why didn’t you tell me?” in an angry tone. When I told one perpetrator’s family they were very supportive of me.
11. Did you feel the people you told about the assault believed you? Yes, they believed it before I did. 
12. Did they blame you for the attack against you? No but my mom blamed me for it continuing for so long.
13. How did you feel about the attack against you? Do you feel ashamed, guilty, angry etc? I felt confused, ashamed, guilty, numb, and while working through it all I went through a period of anger and then sadness and grief.
14. Did you file charges against your assailant? No, it was too late
15. Did you go to court or did you drop the charges? No
16. If you dropped the charges, why?
17. If the trial went to court what was the outcome?
18. How did you feel when the verdict was stated?
19.  Have you been silent about what happened to you? Yes
20. If yes why? I believed I could not tell my parents because I knew they would be mad at me. They were angry people. Even when I told my mom in 2005 her response was “Why didn’t you tell me? I would have kicked his ***!!” I also felt like I had to protect them. I did not want to shame them. I also thought it was just something about me. And I liked being liked and being noticed and accepted. My uncle begged me not to tell because my parents would be mad and I did fear their wrath very much.
21. How has the attack(s) against you changed your life?  It has affected the way I see myself, others, and God and I have to combat lies constantly in my head as I internalize Truth. Truth does not come naturally or easy for me. My core beliefs are being transformed. My experiences have taught me lies and scarred my heart and core beliefs but I find it possible to cope, even thrive in life. My past will not stop me from living out loud today. My battle wounds testify to my courage, strength, tenacity, and God’s healing power, faithfulness, patience and love. Without God I would not even have survived. He helped me survive the best way I could as a child and He has helped me to heal and learn to cope in new and better ways. I am still in the healing process but I have made great progress. The road has been hard but it has not been without its blessings.
22.  What is your age now? 43
23.  Are you married? I am in the divorce process. In an indirect way the divorce is a result of being molested. Our sexual relationship suffered and my husband ran out of patience.
24.  Do you have children? Yes, 2
25. Does your husband, children know what happened to you? Yes, my husband knows more details but does not like to talk about it and didn’t want to know too much, and the children are teens but only know that I have been molested and that it hurt my heart but they don’t know the details.
26. Do you know other women, children that have been raped? Yes, I have met many.
27. Do you want to share anything else? If so please write below. My healing process has been going on for many years at various depths and layers. It takes place at an emotional, mental, spiritual, and even physical (sexually). Unfortunately the sexual aspect affected my husband to the degree that he wanted to exit because after 20 years of marriage he didn’t think I would ever completely heal and he decided he didn’t want someone with those kind of issues (good luck with that!) As I was working on that inside myself he felt rejected because of my inability to fully engage or not be re-traumatized. It seemed to be deeper layer of healing in my life because it involves my integrated emotional, mental, and spiritual self. I have learned to disassociate as a way of coping and this posed a problem in our sexual relationship. I am working through my feelings of rejection and disappointment.   
Tohru44 Tohru44
41-45, F
Aug 9, 2010