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My Life In Pretence

I don't like talking about it. For the most part of my life, I pretended it was all a dream, a nightmare, something so hazy that it fades in the background and pretend it didn't happen to me.

But I couldn't carry on pretending any longer. Not when I try to have a serious relationship with a man. I can't trust any one. specially men. No matter how wonderful, sweet, kind or how much of a saint they are. My husband is a wonderful guy and I want to trust him with all my heart but it's so hard...

I can't help but believe men are all perverts. I even thought of giving up trying and becoming a prostitute once..if you can't beat it, join it right?...But here I am trying to live a normal life and I hate the ugly darkness in my heart. So much of confusion and I can't relate to a guy, its scary to imagine what goes in their minds..I am sorry if this sounds offensive to anyone out there, I don't mean it like that.

Its sometimes...so scary. So lonely. So dark..and so frustrating.
hoping2live hoping2live 22-25, F 20 Responses Oct 7, 2010

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You are not alone in this thinking.Many people who have gone through abuse or other stuff, think these thoughts. I would suggest seeing a councler especially one who deals with trauma. It took me a long time to trust too. I still struggle, and i wish i had been honest with myself earlier so i could have sought help early and dealt with the pain. Please remember that not all men are associated with violence. Hard to convince the mind though isn't it? Some men are like the sweetest ever, but those whove been traumatized, cant move past the what if's. So talk to a trusted person or councler and make sure your docs are female just in the mean time. *hugs*

i know how you feal in the way of not trusting men. it is so hard to be able to trust any one after someone has done that to you. i was molested as a young child by my father and i now have a very had time being around men sometimes i even start to shake and i have never been able to fully trust any man.

it happens to boys too when i was 6 a man next door molested me in ways i dont wish to describe he kept me in fear for 3 months one day i was crying and angry my dad wanted to know what happened . I was so ashamed and scared my father would be mad at me and hate me but i told him any way he picked me up and held me and told me it was ok he is my father and he still loved me . then a strange thing happened he tried to kill this man the police came and arrested this sick ******* . a police woman spoke to me and i never saw him again . i think it was the love of my dad that got me through it . i guess what i am trying to say is you have to trust someone who loves you try your husband you both desevre a chance GOOD LUCK

Rememeber You are a survivor of the abuse. It doesnt define who you are as a person and keep on taking care of yourself. Try and seek counselling to at least feel better about yourself. Have a great day. Take care Xxx

I suffered sexual abuse as a child and I have only ever trusted one man... Sadly he died and in relationships since I've always hidden the darkness away...but it has never entirely left. I wish you hope and joy and that you are going to be surrounded by light. Momamoo

Hi, it was the first part of your post that got me- not wanting to talk about it and then pretending it was all a nightmare. I can really relate to it...however I have been able to separate my boyfriend from my abuser more easily. I am extremely thankful for that because he is my rock, a great guy. He knows about my past but I have a really hard time talking to him about it because he gets so upset for me..plus the man who did it to me is his soon to be father-in-law...yep. Anyway, does your husband know about this part of your past? Also I think I've decided to get counseling, repressing is getting harder for me. I am really hoping it'll help. Sorry this happened to you but you're not alone!

i have been abused to, i have also been a junior councillor, i know it is hard to trust people but u can trust me, but if u dont that is fine, because it took me a while to trust after the abuse to. i am still to this day being abused so i am here to talk, u can trust me and i wont judge u, oh and i have helped lots of people on ep.

I dont usually like to say 'i know how your feeling' but in this case it is like i have found someone that thinks and feels exacally the same way as i do.

Dont get me wrong men can be somewhat useful but i do agree that i see them all as perverts, like they are all going to hurt you and break that trust (what ever trust there is left over). A male touching me unexpectidly makes me shake, panic and almost loose control.



I hope you can overcome this, but it is true not all men are the same x

thanks

I hope you don't mind me jumping in here and leaving a comment. I am brand new to the Experience Project. I found your post while looking around. I would like to let you and any others in this group, that have been abused, to know of an Australian child abuse survivor that has helped many with her kindness and her writings. Her name is Kazzie Kennedy and you can find out about her by Googling her name or you can visit .... www.kazzieswhispersofhope.com. I have not been abused but I have benefited by what she writes. I'm sorry for what you have been through and would like you to know that you are important and have a meaningful purpose on this earth. I'm glad that you are reaching out and connecting with others. All my best wishes to you.

the darkness inflicted on you ,was becuase it was also in you, all darkness that we suffer is becuase we inflicted on to others in previous lives,i too was sexualy abused , and i mistrusted every woman i came across.



but when i had a spiritual awkening, after i tried to kill myself , god came into my life and showed me why i had to recieve the abuse that i did ,my mother humilated me and took naked photos of me , and my sister fondled me .



this caused me to feel guitly and ashamed of myself , but have taken responsibiltiy for what happneed to me , it was karma for wrong doings in previous lives. its taken me a long time to heal the blocked emotions in my soul, i blammed myself for what happened subconsciously, becuase i knew subconsciously that it was karma ,although i did not know that at the time.



god has helped me to heal and i will trust woman again , the thing with life is , that like attracts like , so if you still have abusive energy in your soul that is unhealed , you will this around you in the outside world, darkness recognises the darkness in others , which is why you cant trust anyone ,



but thats not to say that we are all dark , there are beings of light our there, but you have to be light to recongise them , those who are good of heart will , befriedn others who are of the same vibration , and those who are dark will befriend others who are dark we natural , resonate to our own type of people .



to trust the world again you must forgive yourself , then you have to heal the pain, and forgive the people who assulted you, for there are no victims , in life,



only when your shadows are healed from your chakras, [your soul] can you learn to see the a clearerpicture, once your light again, you will see the light in others, everything you see in the world, weather its beautiful or dark is all a reflection of your inner self .



its taken me 6 years to heal my shadows my soul was black but now im starting to fall in love with the world again .



i hope you do to



god bless

the darkness inflicted on you ,was becuase it was also in you, all darkness that we suffer is becuase we inflicted on to others in previous lives,i too was sexualy abused , and i mistrusted every woman i came across.



but when i had a spiritual awkening, after i tried to kill myself , god came into my life and showed me why i had to recieve the abuse that i did ,my mother humilated me and took naked photos of me , and my sister fondled me .



this caused me to feel guitly and ashamed of myself , but have taken responsibiltiy for what happneed to me , it was karma for wrong doings in previous lives. its taken me a long time to heal the blocked emotions in my soul, i blammed myself for what happened subconsciously, becuase i knew subconsciously that it was karma ,although i did not know that at the time.



god has helped me to heal and i will trust woman again , the thing with life is , that like attracts like , so if you still have abusive energy in your soul that is unhealed , you will this around you in the outside world, darkness recognises the darkness in others , which is why you cant trust anyone ,



but thats not to say that we are all dark , there are beings of light our there, but you have to be light to recongise them , those who are good of heart will , befriedn others who are of the same vibration , and those who are dark will befriend others who are dark we natural , resonate to our own type of people .



to trust the world again you must forgive yourself , then you have to heal the pain, and forgive the people who assulted you, for there are no victims , in life,



only when your shadows are healed from your chakras, [your soul] can you learn to see the a clearerpicture, once your light again, you will see the light in others, everything you see in the world, weather its beautiful or dark is all a reflection of your inner self .



its taken me 6 years to heal my shadows my soul was black but now im starting to fall in love with the world again .



i hope you do to



god bless

Thanks...it does help to know there are people who can understand exactly what I mean. Feel free to share anything with me as well *HUGS* :)

Thank you for the in-depth thought... I do agree with you and your advice sounds logical enough. I go through spells of depression when it all hits me like a big bad bulk of darkness, but I am in a lighter mood right now, life is good these days and those thoughts I can keep them at bay and not let it interfere with my mind and warp up my trust. I do love my husband, and I believe he is the most wonderful man I ever met. I do have hope of everything working out and those negative forces one day leaving me for good. I know it requires my strength. As I am a human, at times I forget my own beliefs and the basis of what my willpower depends on...but eventually it comes back, after periods of darkness my mind clears up and it gets lighter again...I work to improve myself. Once again thanks, sound advice like that always helps :)

HI, i had some problems with my thoughts as well. (Im a boy.) I mean, force on sexual matters by external sources... I sat and thought about it... I said, Maybe they did that, ok, You need to see things clearly... Someone who loves, is not a pervert. Yes, i know many of us are being like this to girls many times... I understand that its a difficult situation. But try to make a distinction between wills and situations... Between what is one thing, and what another thing is... Its just your will, trust me, you need to go back and understand. Then try and see, what different possitive ways of thinking there are... To understand... That your reaction can be free whatever others do... and you can see the other way of thinking that could exist within a man... Its up to you. do it...

Good luck oh and it's good your working on that.

Thanks. I am working to get past all that.

I understand those feelings of yours. I feel the same way a lot. But, I hope everything works out well for you.

Yeah its sad... but thanks ..hehe

So sad! Good writing, sad story. I'm glad you survived the abuse.