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I Was "abused". I Don't Know How I Feel. I Know I Don't Feel Human. But Someday I Will.

For the longest time I thought I had imagined it. I honestly thought it was a product of my feverish imagination but then again... Why would anyone IMAGINE THAT?? I was sexually taken advantage of as a child. I cannot honestly say I was abused or that I Feel abused because it did not hurt physically or emotionally and none of it was done out of malice.

I never even KNEW it was BAD until television and other peoples opinions taught me otherwise.
NOW, I don't know what to feel.
If you touch the right places in just the right way.
Things will feel good. So it felt good. (I almost hate myself for saying that but I cannot lie.)

I didn't feel bad about this experience as it happened and now i feel bad about it now only because I've been taught that I should but I still don't know how I feel.

As a child I never thought to evaluate my emotions. I think I was just happy that someone was acknowledging my existence. I spent the most part of my childhood alone, ignored and "seen and not heard". I was not given much physical affection unless I fell, got hurt and would not stop crying. On rare occasions my parents would remember I was alive and smile at me and try to hold and hug me and it ALWAYS felt so foreign to me. I wanted them to acknowledge my existence but I didn't know how to react to being held. For the most part I would just become limp and allow them to hold me for as long as they felt necessary. This is still very much the case now...

As much as it kills me to accept or even consider it... I do believe that I am traumatized a bit by my past...

I believe I am suffering from dissociation...
It explains why I can barely remember what happened as a child.
It almost seems as if I witnessed the whole thing out of body and only some of my senses can remember it (Taste, feel. But no sound and I can only see snippets...) I feel as if I am viewing my life through a movie trailer...

"Sexual abuse can cause someone to disregard their own humanity ..."

"it can cause someone to dissociate during sexuality, which means they really don’t have the chance to enjoy their sexual experience..."

Had it not been for that line i read I really wouldn't bother looking more into this...

Recently I had my first physical/sexual experience. I was lured into a private empty room under false pretenses and I was physically taken advantage of. No sex was involved but I completely checked out for most of it. I have never been the type of person to cause a scene or to physically hurt someone. So I "checked out". I allowed myself to be used like a meat puppet. I do this a lot. I check out when people get into heated arguments. I check out when I experience anything that my mind feels might be unpleasant.
I check out even when people hold me for too long in a hug. I don't know how to be present. I am constantly stuck in my mind and I feel as if I am not really living. I live vicariously through others and sometimes myself but I'M NOT REALLY LIVING.

I almost never feel... Human. I feel as if I am a mind trapped inside a body. I am ideas bouncing around a storage facility.
I never know what I'm feeling. I have little regard for my own physical human existence.

I take rides from strangers, I go days without eating (not because of physical insecurities but because I do not remember to)
I completely ignore injuries and illness. I go days on 3 hours of sleep. I am physically repulsed by the idea that someone might actually find me physically attractive.

I think I've figured out why i'm so reckless with my own person. I think I'm trying to Feel. I'm trying to FORCE myself to remember my Experiences. I have a hard time remembering my experiences... even happy ones. I'm so desperate to feel like I'm ACTUALLY LIVING that I'm willing to allow bad things to happen to me.

I'm not sure where this leaves me... I mean, I'm totally ******. I can never be intimate with another human being until I learn to get over the past but I don't know how to do that considering that It wasn't a bad experience when it happened and i didn't think it was wrong until AFTER i was told it was... But i think i've made some progress because I KNOW now that i don't just have a bad memory.

I'm forgetting on purpose (though I'm not controlling it). My mind is trying to protect me not just from anything bad that might disturb me but from good things too because as a child I thought everything that happened was alright (I thought it was good) but as I got older I found out it was wrong (then i felt it was bad) so my mind is protecting me from all feelings.

I keep thinking that if I fall in love I'll be cured somehow of my intimacy fear/repulsion but then half of me thinks that if I FORCE myself to experience physical intimacy then I will recondition myself. I will learn to react properly, be present and to enjoy myself. Kind of how people force themselves to come in contact with their allergies so that they become less sensitive to them.

Neither of these things are good for me to do but I really dont see any other way around this... I need to recover somehow and thinking my way out of it isn't going to help me especially since i think this has more to do with how i feel. I'm going to have to force myself to feel and hurt and learn from it. I can't avoid my feelings forever. I want to live happily ever after. I want to die HAPPY and I can't be happy unless I'm willing to allow myself to feel. I can't be afraid to feel anymore.

For the past 19 years I have lived a very productive life. I have done everything I ever wanted to do. I followed my passions. I have a few close friends. I have laughed and smiled and experienced bits of happiness. I have only suffered in the area of physical intimacy. I have always felt like a robot. I feel confused by hugs because I know they are supposed to be nice gestures of affection but I don't feel anything...
I don't feel human.

This is the only aspect of my life where I have suffered. It could be much worse. I could have allowed myself to be a slave to my depression and angst and fear but I am not a selfish person. I can't exist only to care about myself. I want to do great things with my life that help others. I want to live a life of meaning. I could have fallen apart but I didn't.... I think this makes me a survivor.

I will feel human one day. I won't feel like a foreign being forever.

p.s. I'm sorry this is so.... All over the place... 

Janewise13 Janewise13 18-21 10 Responses Nov 5, 2011

Your Response


You should consider therapy, it sounds like you have a lot of trauma from your past to work through. It's like my therapist told me- working through it will help me be okay with everyday things that remind me of my abuser, or move forward and feel good about future experiences. I do recommend getting some kind of guidance, that's not a way to live happily and you seem smart and strong enough to find your way to a better state of happiness. Good luck to you!

You are a very strong person. Have you ever had counseling? I was sexually abused by my dad as a girl...hugely impacted my life for the worse. I have severe depression and huge issues with sex. Believe me, you can't force feelings in regards to sex.. i have been trying to be normal in that area for a long time....i feel like I am going crazy every day...I don't feel right either, I feel like I am not connected to myself. Not much emotion...especially in my bad depression times. I sure wish you luck!!! you sound like a very strong survivor....
I like this quote:
Keep your head up
God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers :)

I love that: "God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers" made me tear up.

Perhaps the person who did this even loved you, but they were not healthy enough to know or care that it would cause you harm.
I once counseled with someone who was thinking about having sexual experiences with a young girl. He said he felt he loved her. I told him that if he really loved her, he would resist the urge because it will ultimately cause her harm. He replied that the only reason it would cause harm would be because of societies attitudes that will convince her it was wrong. So I told him that it doesn't matter if he feels that societies attitudes cause the hurt. What matters is that you don't want someone you love to be hurt. Therefore, if you truly love her, you will not have any sexual involvement with her.
I bring all this up to say that what this person did to you was very wrong. They may have been gentle and loving acting, but it was not truly an act of love because it put you in harms way. If they didn't realize that its because he /she chose to be ignorant in order to gratify himself by giving you pleasure.
I don't know if what I said has any meaning for you, but I appreciate your candor and drive to get past this injury.

Hi Janewise,

You say that you didn't know it was a bad experience until later... I think you recognized the good at the time, i.e. attention (but not the right kind of attention unfortunately, something a child does not have the capacity to understand) but the bad was so confusing and incomprehensible to you, a CHILD (who should never EVER be put in such a position) that you disassociated, as you say, which is how you coped with the feelings of worthlessness and confusion that no doubt accompanied your good feelings. You did what you needed to do to survive. You are a self-aware person and clearly have so much good in your life, no doubt because you have fought very hard for those things, and so I know you will succeed in facing these awful feelings, and ultimately experiencing feeling "human". I think talking with a therapist would help you start to feel the way you want. What you need to do is process all of the things that happened to you, so that you can understand and somewhat control, categorize, the numbness you seem to feel, for example. You will find that the dissasociation is just a feeling you formed in reaction to trauma, not who YOU are, not something that defines you, and then you will feel free. It can take years but beginning is the first step. You've made it through the worst, it will get better from here as you integrate your past into your life with clarity and perspective.
Good luck to you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!

i didn't read the whole thing it's to long sorry.

i got sexually molested by my bio father since i was born tell age 15. the police wont do anything about it.

i feel 4 u

I don't know, but your situation sounds like a disorder that has not as much to do with life experiences as the way you were born, like you have Asberger's Syndrone or something. But I agree with totally miffed, you can get help with what you are experiencing. I think a person can learn to feel things in a good way with thought and practice. Like someone learning to love or feel empathy.

I have been asked before If I have Asperger's...
Of course this was by two of my friends (One who has asperger's and the other who is their best friend and spends a lot of time with them...)

I actually do not know whether I have Asperger's though I have suspected I have ADHD...
I don't really know what others are feeling or even what I am feeling but I am a bit of an empath... I'm like a human mood ring. If someone is feeling an sort of intense emotion around me. I Will feel it too though I won't understand what it is.

I am slowly trying to learn to feel things. I'm still mostly confused with how to react but I'm almost sort of beginning to figure out how to enjoy hugs. :)

Thank you for your story. I, too, have had many of the same experience of myself that you have written here. Have you considered therapy with a qualified therapist? Therapy has helped me. I went into therapy when I realized I was not having any feelings, among other things.<br />
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By the way, even if you do not "feel human." you are still a human being. As a human being you have a right to a happy, meaningful life. Even the Constitution says we have the right to "life, liberty AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS."<br />
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No one should have to go through what you did. Our bodies, as human beings, will feel some kind of pleasure when sexually abused. No guilt there. But often too, the psyche is fragmented, even so much so that we are not aware this has happened. It's a defense mechanism. A human mechanism. This does not make us bad or sick. What you are experiencing is a normal human reaction to the trauma you suffered. By reacting the way you have, and by developing the behaviors you presently have, you survived. This is a good thing you have done for yourself. However, now, you are waking up and realizing you don't want to do this anymore. You continue to survive. You are growing<br />
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Please keep growing, writing, telling your story to those you can trust. <br />
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I hope I haven't been too forward in telling you this. It's just that I am relating passionately to your story. MY hope for you is that you find what you are looking for. Remember, you were strong enough to survive your past, and you still have this strength. May God be with you.

My heart is aching for you right now because I have felt the same way. Perhaps if you go over what you wrote again, you will see the truth hidden there. You say that you never knew it was bad until someone told you so, but I am going to disagree. As children, we cannot put into context much of what happens to us, but we can FEEL when something is wrong. I think its important to ask yourself if you would do the things you do (ie: go days without sleep, risky behavior like hitchhiking, etc.) if there really wasn't anything wrong? To feel human, you must allow yourself to explore that question, and be honest, truly and brutally honest, with yourself.