I Was "abused". I Don't Know How I Feel. I Know I Don't Feel Human. But Someday I Will.

For the longest time I thought I had imagined it. I honestly thought it was a product of my feverish imagination but then again... Why would anyone IMAGINE THAT?? I was sexually taken advantage of as a child. I cannot honestly say I was abused or that I Feel abused because it did not hurt physically or emotionally and none of it was done out of malice.

I never even KNEW it was BAD until television and other peoples opinions taught me otherwise.
NOW, I don't know what to feel.
If you touch the right places in just the right way.
Things will feel good. So it felt good. (I almost hate myself for saying that but I cannot lie.)

I didn't feel bad about this experience as it happened and now i feel bad about it now only because I've been taught that I should but I still don't know how I feel.

As a child I never thought to evaluate my emotions. I think I was just happy that someone was acknowledging my existence. I spent the most part of my childhood alone, ignored and "seen and not heard". I was not given much physical affection unless I fell, got hurt and would not stop crying. On rare occasions my parents would remember I was alive and smile at me and try to hold and hug me and it ALWAYS felt so foreign to me. I wanted them to acknowledge my existence but I didn't know how to react to being held. For the most part I would just become limp and allow them to hold me for as long as they felt necessary. This is still very much the case now...


As much as it kills me to accept or even consider it... I do believe that I am traumatized a bit by my past...

I believe I am suffering from dissociation...
It explains why I can barely remember what happened as a child.
It almost seems as if I witnessed the whole thing out of body and only some of my senses can remember it (Taste, feel. But no sound and I can only see snippets...) I feel as if I am viewing my life through a movie trailer...

"Sexual abuse can cause someone to disregard their own humanity ..."

"it can cause someone to dissociate during sexuality, which means they really don’t have the chance to enjoy their sexual experience..."


Had it not been for that line i read I really wouldn't bother looking more into this...

Recently I had my first physical/sexual experience. I was lured into a private empty room under false pretenses and I was physically taken advantage of. No sex was involved but I completely checked out for most of it. I have never been the type of person to cause a scene or to physically hurt someone. So I "checked out". I allowed myself to be used like a meat puppet. I do this a lot. I check out when people get into heated arguments. I check out when I experience anything that my mind feels might be unpleasant.
I check out even when people hold me for too long in a hug. I don't know how to be present. I am constantly stuck in my mind and I feel as if I am not really living. I live vicariously through others and sometimes myself but I'M NOT REALLY LIVING.

I almost never feel... Human. I feel as if I am a mind trapped inside a body. I am ideas bouncing around a storage facility.
I never know what I'm feeling. I have little regard for my own physical human existence.

I take rides from strangers, I go days without eating (not because of physical insecurities but because I do not remember to)
I completely ignore injuries and illness. I go days on 3 hours of sleep. I am physically repulsed by the idea that someone might actually find me physically attractive.

I think I've figured out why i'm so reckless with my own person. I think I'm trying to Feel. I'm trying to FORCE myself to remember my Experiences. I have a hard time remembering my experiences... even happy ones. I'm so desperate to feel like I'm ACTUALLY LIVING that I'm willing to allow bad things to happen to me.

I'm not sure where this leaves me... I mean, I'm totally ******. I can never be intimate with another human being until I learn to get over the past but I don't know how to do that considering that It wasn't a bad experience when it happened and i didn't think it was wrong until AFTER i was told it was... But i think i've made some progress because I KNOW now that i don't just have a bad memory.

I'm forgetting on purpose (though I'm not controlling it). My mind is trying to protect me not just from anything bad that might disturb me but from good things too because as a child I thought everything that happened was alright (I thought it was good) but as I got older I found out it was wrong (then i felt it was bad) so my mind is protecting me from all feelings.

I keep thinking that if I fall in love I'll be cured somehow of my intimacy fear/repulsion but then half of me thinks that if I FORCE myself to experience physical intimacy then I will recondition myself. I will learn to react properly, be present and to enjoy myself. Kind of how people force themselves to come in contact with their allergies so that they become less sensitive to them.


Neither of these things are good for me to do but I really dont see any other way around this... I need to recover somehow and thinking my way out of it isn't going to help me especially since i think this has more to do with how i feel. I'm going to have to force myself to feel and hurt and learn from it. I can't avoid my feelings forever. I want to live happily ever after. I want to die HAPPY and I can't be happy unless I'm willing to allow myself to feel. I can't be afraid to feel anymore.



For the past 19 years I have lived a very productive life. I have done everything I ever wanted to do. I followed my passions. I have a few close friends. I have laughed and smiled and experienced bits of happiness. I have only suffered in the area of physical intimacy. I have always felt like a robot. I feel confused by hugs because I know they are supposed to be nice gestures of affection but I don't feel anything...
I don't feel human.

This is the only aspect of my life where I have suffered. It could be much worse. I could have allowed myself to be a slave to my depression and angst and fear but I am not a selfish person. I can't exist only to care about myself. I want to do great things with my life that help others. I want to live a life of meaning. I could have fallen apart but I didn't.... I think this makes me a survivor.

I will feel human one day. I won't feel like a foreign being forever.


p.s. I'm sorry this is so.... All over the place...