Some Memories And Questions

I have been in therapy for the last several months to uncover and deal with being molested, tortured and raped from age 5 to 11 by a neighbor. I am now 31, and just trying to remember specific things. So far there seems to be a loop with the memories and emotions. They come in a pattern that starts over and over, but each one has a different feel to it. What I think that means is that the same thing happened over and over on a daily basis but sometimes had subtle differences. I think most of the really bad stuff that happened I can't remember because my body shut down in a way to protect me. I want to share my memory loop with you guys. I have been reading lots of stories and now I feel that I can share some details of mine. Reading other people's detailed testimonies have helped me to not feel so alone and to not feel like a "freak of nature" for what happened to me. If you don't want to risk a trigger, you might want to stop reading now.

There are two kinds of "loops" my therapist and I have discovered:

Emotional: Feeling accepted, loved, like I mattered to confused, anxious, dread for what was to come, scared, trapped, guilty, terrified, relief, betrayed, angry, and then back to confused.

Physical: Smelling cherry tobacco, Hearing the grandfather clock chimes, Nausea, shortness of breath, side pain between my ribs, bony lap under me, arm and elbow pain,hard to see, prickly rope around wrist, not being able to move arms, higher sense of hearing, feeling of softness around eyes, nose and mouth, feeling my hot breath on my face, feeling intense torso squeezing, feeling crushed while laying down and only able to see a flannel pattern, Feeling a strange shaped lump on my stomach and around my thigh area, my body being jolted violently, hearing hard breathing that was very creepy sounding, Having intense pain between my legs, hearing a doorbell on TV and going out the front door, seeing blood trickle from my vaginal area and down my leg.

There were other things I remember happening, but did not hold this kind of pattern. I just remember him looking at me while I was unclothed and saying I was a pretty little girl, he used to make me watch him urinate in the toilet, and a few other things. When remembering this stuff, I feel so sleepy that I could take a nap.

The conclusions I have drawn from all of this is that I was severley molested, tortured and raped by this horrible man who lived next door to me. I trusted him so much that he was able to tie me up, blindfold me, touch me anywhere, and rape me on a regular basis for 6 years. I was no longer a child after that and no one in my life protected me from it or brought my abuser to justice. The ones who know this was going on are just as guilty of the abuse as my abuser! My family paid the ultimate price by doing that. They lost their innocent little child to a sick predator. To this day my parents and I don't talk about anything important. We just small talk and try to keep the peace. My question is:

Have any of you ever noticed a pattern when remembering past events? What did that mean to you?

survivor31 survivor31
31-35, F
5 Responses May 8, 2012

Hi!<br />
I have found kind of a pattern on my abuse memories, my abuser used to drug me before i he started raping me so the first thing i start feeling is sleepiness, i feel drowsy and i really cant control my urge to sleep, as that goes by i start feeling intense pain between my legs and genitals ( this is how i know he raped me) and then he used to beat me up after raping me so i feel pain all over my bodi, usually pain in my neck, back legs and arms... it is pretty much the same pattern every time, unless im triggered from something random, first comes the physical pain and then the image.

Yeah, the random flashbacks are the hardest for me because I don't know what to expect.

I usually get the physical sensations first then emotions, but sometimes it depends on what triggers me

hang in there....

Thanks, I have been so far. It is not easy

Thinking back—looking for a pattern—<br />
Usually, I would spend a couple or a few days with anxiety; teary eyed, with no sleep or ability to concentrate. I think that a part of my brain was trying to push a memory forward, and another part was fighting to keep it back. Stressful. Usually, the full memory would hit me, with all of the visuals and the physical and emotional sensations. Only once, with one very bad memory, was I spared the full brunt of it, at least the first time, when I only 'saw' the visual part.<br />
Except that I kind of knew on Thursday whether I'd be able to go somewhere on Saturday, it really didn't 'mean' much; the whole thing was an Odyssy, composed of a series of ordeals.<br />
Do you think that finding a pattern will be useful?

Yeah, finding a pattern helps me know what to expect as far as emotions, but it is not always the case. Sometimes I get a big horrible suprize memory that does not fit in the pattern

I'm thinking that looking for a pattern might be a distraction, but I do know that I would have liked to know what was going to happen, and when, just so that I could maintain some semblance of a normal life, but I never knew—I don't think that we can; too many distractions, and too many triggers.

I think the pattern thing helps me because I feel more in control. I am much more comfortable if I know what is about to happen, but it does not always happen the way I think sometimes. So yes, it may be a way to distract myself. Probably not the best thing to do, but I am still learning how to deal with memory recall and flashbacks.

Hmm...my current pattern is getting walloped by the emotion first, then getting the "film clip."