Drugged And Raped. My Chilhood Story

I posted this story in another group but it fits so well here to.

This is my story:

I have always been a very positive person, however i have always battled with depression, i never understood why, until now. Some weeks ago i remembered things that had been locked up for almost 20 years.

When I was two years old my grandfather asked me if i wanted some candies, and took me to his room because that is where he had them, i just remember eating the candies and feeling drowsy and falling in the flor, the next thing i know he is performing oral sex on me, my hands are tied and i cant move my body. That is all i know from the first time i was abused.

I remember another time. I was 5 years old. All i know is that i am sitting in a chair, in a dark room, i do not recognize the person that is talking to me but i know he is laughing at me because he drugged me and i cant move, i can feel his **** iside my mouth, it is so disgusting, he can't get a hard on.

Next thing that happend i cant remember, i was so drugged. However i can feel it, i can feel him pinching my legs and opening them, i can feel him hurting my body y feel the pain in my pelvis, and then i'm on the flor and he's angry "look at what you made me do" "it is all your fault".

I was so confused, how could i have done anything wrong if i couldn't move?, my hands and legs where tied and he started to kick me on the back while screaming at me, i don't remember crying, i just remember pain.

Then i died, that is the only way i can describe it, i died and my body was soulless, i can feel him trying to bring me back, hitting me on the chest so i start breathing again, and i did. That is what saved me, my mind turned of and i was unresponsive, that is how i survived child abuse.

Some days are better than others, sometimes i just want to disappear, sometimes i just feel random pain in my body, but must of the time i'm just helplessly sad.

I just wonder -- why would anyone do that to a child? -- why did he hurt me? i didn't do anything to him, to neither of them , i don't deserve this, this people are monsters, i hate them, they have made me feel so little, so stupid, so sad my whole life, and now i have to deal with the consequences of their stupid actions.

Abuse is not a game, it is a shadow of evil cast to your existence, it is putting chains on someone who didn't ask for them, i am a child abuse survivor and i hate it, i am never going to be a normal happy person because of these people that hurt me, however i am light and i am strong and i'm never going to stop trying.
magmariel magmariel
4 Responses May 11, 2012

i got sexually molested by my bio father since i was born tell age 15. the cops wont do anything about it. i've never been drugged before though.

That is a horrendous story. However, I might point out that human beings do not retain episodic memory from two years of age. When you were five years old, it is remarkable that you could discern that you had been drugged, and yet retain such a detailed memory please refer to Elizabeth Loftis, Ph.D. for more information on this issue. Sometimes memories are of dreams, or old thoughts/fantasies, wishes, fears etc. we tell ourselves stories. Memories from two years old are stories. Detailed memories from five years old, under drugs, are unlikely. I am not saying that you were not terribly abused. I am saying, however, that it is time to accept and let go of that issue, and renounce victimhood.

Another comment: the post about the "power of now" by Eckhart Tolle is a direct direction to a more accurate understanding of stuff. You are getting expert testimony for free.

I was three years old and I can remember vividly what my dad did..

Please read The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It has changed my life. And, One Simple Change Makes Life Easy. These are not the "self help" books that one reads and soon forgets. I promise these books will help you.

I'm sorry you went through that. I too find myself questioning how people can be such monsters! That is a very accurate way to describe the people who hurt you. Breaking the silence is one of the best things we can do as survivors. Thanks for sharing your story, it sounds similar to mine in some ways. I know what you mean about feeling like you will never be "normal" or happy. I am pursuing that now also. I want to be happy and I can tell you do to. Keep working on it :) I have a therapist working with me, it has helped more than anything so far.