Sad Realization.

So, i am 21 now.
I also believe that because of my past, i have developed a disorder? Sexual aversion disorder.
I want to participate, but when the time comes, i will do everything in my power to avoid it.
I am talking to the sweetest guy right now....and he made a sexual remark....and now i am terrified of hanging out with him, because i wont be able to avoid it....it's not that i don't want to.....when i do finally end up participating....its like a foreign activity, and instead of enjoying it like every other normal person, i just wish for it to end.

So, i am hoping this kid....respects my problem, i haven't bothered with any kind of relationship because i am aware that relationships are built on a sexual foundation.
That IS the point of a relationship.
Well....i want to be able to trust him first ya know?.......i want to TELL him why, but i don't want to burden people with that anymore.

I don't even like to watch movies or watch T.V. because it's nothing but sex and sexual innuendos. Even that is repulsive to me.

It makes me very upset, that i have been deprived of enjoying apparently one of the best human experiences.

I know it sounds stupid, but i am considering going to a sex therapist because i would like to have my humanity back

In the mean time i hope my step dad and biological dad develop inoperable tumors on the base of there spine.
They ******* ask me why i am still single.
BECAUSE OF YOU , YOU SICK *****.
BECAUSE OF YOUUUUU.

It....honestly makes me very upset.
deleted deleted
26-30
3 Responses Sep 18, 2012

Dont know if this will help but will try anyway . You sound very angry and you have every right to be , Having worked with young people in your situation realise the severe long time damage it can cause victims . Dont know the nature of your abuser , but some like to make their victims feel guilty and somehow responsible for the abuse they suffer which of course is B/S . they do this to try and conceal their horrendous crimes . With some its a power control thing and the best thing to combat that is to not let it eat away at you causing you more damage , as they will feel they have won . how any adult let alone a parent can abuse their children eludes me , very sick people capable of betraying the trust the child puts in them . I personally think they should all be exposed and punished as this is a very serious crime considering the amount of damage a victim can suffer . It will be difficult to overcome but if you find an understanding person , suggest you should tell him and if he really cares about you will be patient and help you to feel comfortable with a sexual relationship good luck hope you win your battle.

I'm sorry for what you went through, but not every relationship is built on a sexual one. IF any of my relationships were going to be like that, I wouldn't be with the guy, because I'm not in a relationship for sex.

And I think it's great that you want to go to a sex therapist. I hope you do and get over this. I'm so sorry.

Hey. I am not going to pretend to know exactly what you went through, my situation was different. But I do know about sexual aversion. My view, like it or not, people are going to be sexually attracted to you. I am a smart person, so I don't want to procreate with 90% of them, so ... sexual aversion. So what I am saying is, maybe participate mentally in the sexual world, appreciating other people are sexually attractive to you, and admitting that part of you would like to rub tummys, and parts, is healthy. That is what keeps me sane ( some would argue ).

Warning: I haven't figured how to have a relationship, without lobotomizing something (figuratively). So don't take this as relationship advice, it is sexual aversion advice.

That is a strategy that might work. And no you don't want to **** and forget, because, like you said sex is the basis of all (m/f) relationships, and to make your memories of that meaningless...speaks for itself.

You are pretty smart from what I have read, so I will recondition my self imposed obligation to advice you.

..V