What Is 'moving On' Like??

I get severe panic attacks sometimes when I just want to run to someone and hide myself behind someone. I want someone to hold me firmly and stay beside me. This happens often even when I'm at my work place and simply can't stop it from happening. I'm a dental student and when I get such feelings when I'm treating a patient, it becomes impossible for me to control myself and concentrate on my work. Dangerously bad no? I know. But I'm helpless. The days are all mine, but the nights betray me always. Always. I wake up every night, not because I get scared but the loneliness kills me. When O look around my dark room and sit on my bed I feel there is really no one in my life to whom I can talk to. and that helplessness and loneliness kills me. There are people in my life whom I know will help me and hear me, but I don't feel like talking to them. I don't want to hurt them, I want them to feel that everything is perfectly fine. I want to protect them from the pain. But at the same time, I badly need someone to hold me at night. The nights sometimes scare me, but more often it gives me a sense that I've lost something and I can't get it back no matter how much I try. I imagine how life would have been if this one things had not been a part of me. These feelings don't come all the time..it's like some parts of day are better than others. I'm not scared, i don't feel guilty, I don't feel shame. But all I feel is intense pain and I want to crawl to some small hiding place curling up to a ball. I don't want to be seen at those moments but it gets really tough because I spend around 10 hours at my work place. It has been the same since last so many years. Sometimes I feel I really want someone to make me relive those moments again and again so I can at least feel something, be it the PAIN only. I often imagine my bf kissing me so hard that me lips bleed and I want him to abuse me. I want him to force him on me. Sometimes I feel sick of myself. I'm sick to think so. But I'm honest with my thoughts here. However, in reality I and my bf don't have any intimate relation because I don't like him getting close to me. It's only in my dreams that I want him to dominate me. I want him to beat me. Weird no? I know It's weird. My life is so messed up.. I know there are people who are going through situations even worse than me, but that doesn't easy my pain in any way. I read motivational books and try to concentrate on studies, but I can't continue that for long. I fall back to same place again and again. I gave up therapy sessions because it didn't help me.
Thanks for hearing. I don't expect anything more.