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What Is 'moving On' Like??

I get severe panic attacks sometimes when I just want to run to someone and hide myself behind someone. I want someone to hold me firmly and stay beside me. This happens often even when I'm at my work place and simply can't stop it from happening. I'm a dental student and when I get such feelings when I'm treating a patient, it becomes impossible for me to control myself and concentrate on my work. Dangerously bad no? I know. But I'm helpless. The days are all mine, but the nights betray me always. Always. I wake up every night, not because I get scared but the loneliness kills me. When O look around my dark room and sit on my bed I feel there is really no one in my life to whom I can talk to. and that helplessness and loneliness kills me. There are people in my life whom I know will help me and hear me, but I don't feel like talking to them. I don't want to hurt them, I want them to feel that everything is perfectly fine. I want to protect them from the pain. But at the same time, I badly need someone to hold me at night. The nights sometimes scare me, but more often it gives me a sense that I've lost something and I can't get it back no matter how much I try. I imagine how life would have been if this one things had not been a part of me. These feelings don't come all the time..it's like some parts of day are better than others. I'm not scared, i don't feel guilty, I don't feel shame. But all I feel is intense pain and I want to crawl to some small hiding place curling up to a ball. I don't want to be seen at those moments but it gets really tough because I spend around 10 hours at my work place. It has been the same since last so many years. Sometimes I feel I really want someone to make me relive those moments again and again so I can at least feel something, be it the PAIN only. I often imagine my bf kissing me so hard that me lips bleed and I want him to abuse me. I want him to force him on me. Sometimes I feel sick of myself. I'm sick to think so. But I'm honest with my thoughts here. However, in reality I and my bf don't have any intimate relation because I don't like him getting close to me. It's only in my dreams that I want him to dominate me. I want him to beat me. Weird no? I know It's weird. My life is so messed up.. I know there are people who are going through situations even worse than me, but that doesn't easy my pain in any way. I read motivational books and try to concentrate on studies, but I can't continue that for long. I fall back to same place again and again. I gave up therapy sessions because it didn't help me.
Thanks for hearing. I don't expect anything more.
TiredOfRunning TiredOfRunning 18-21, F 3 Responses Nov 27, 2012

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To AppleCherry2013: these posts are not to judge others or question: sex abuse happens different ways to everybody. It takes a lot of courage to be this vulnerable.

i read this whole thing and did not find where you were sexually abused............

Hummm, how sweet is the world of dreams where someone come and hug tightly in such a way that we fly, seeing into our eyes with such love that we forget ourself, holding our head and caressing our face with soft hands in a way that we fill with joy and energy and we are like in another world of love and happyness........
Yes such are the sweet dreams that we see with open eyes.
Dear, You need nothing but love and it's not only you who need love but everyone need love but some get it in childhood, some in teenage, some in marriage and few from other people, or even god also.
This is our need of life. It's the food of our soul.
Once you would get that hug, that touch, that feel, that glance, that magic, all the pain would disappear, you would feel like your reincarnation, an another maya would be standing on confidence and power for a life of purpose.
Stay in touch dear..