Hard And Fearful Work, But Trust Me There Is A Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I am sitting on my couch wrapped in a nice and warm blanket. Drinking a coffee in a little cottage by the beach, appreciating the lovely sounds of the tui birds. I have been thinking of all the wonderful things i have to look forward to in my future and the new adventures i am about to emark on next year.
Now this is a place i never thought i'd be 5 years ago when i hit rock bottom and was faced with the choice to live or die.
I came on here, to share my story hoping it will reach the heart of someone and give them a sense of hope when all feels like there is no way out.

My story started when i was three. My mother left me and my father, (for my stepfather who would later be my abuser and ruin my whole self worth). I would vist her my stepfather on holidays, all started out well and he was fun and showered me with attention and presents. Little did i know that was the plan, that the grooming had started. My mother thought he was wonderful and she thought of herself as lucky to have found a man who would love her and treat her daughter as his own.

My mother worked nights and slept during the day so she was never avaliable, which worked out perfect for him. So she would leave at 11 at night and be home at 7 in the morning. When i was seven it started. He would come into my room, fondle and preform oral sex on me. I would just pretend i was asleep and grasp the sheets until he left. I would convince myself it was a bad dream and go back to sleep. Then it got worse, he would wake me up by pulling my hair and forcing me to my knees to give him blow jobs, he would *** in my mouth, throw a towel and me tell me to stop crying and clean my self up. He would do different things depending on his mood, oral, anal objects( he would violently penetrate me roughly with hard objects and make me bleed). while doing this he would make me look at him while he shouted at me and tell me he was preparing me for womanhood. This happened for six years and when i was twelve he raped me every night i was on holiday and my mum was working. I felt trapped, i felt i could not tell my dad as i felt so much shame and disgust for myself and i was convinced it was my fault. I never told my mother as i knew she would abandon me even more and i could not have coped with that as a kid.
This was proved at the age of 28 when i had the guts and support to confront her, she told me she did not care as she loved him and i was a liar.

The abuse stoped when i was 14 and had a boyfriend, he did not know but his presence kept him away. I lived my teenage life drunk or high as i could not cope with the feelings or reality of what had happened, i developed away of turning anger against myself and became a self harmer and tried to kill myself twice.. i was found both times by my ex boyfriend and rushed to hospital.
I managed to run away from it all when i decided to move towns and go to university.. i wanted to share my journey of recovery so ill fastforward a bit and do bullet points of my life till my main crisis.

* went to University, studied sociology and women and gender studies
*met my husband
*gave birth to my first son
moved again for my husbands new jobs
my father died suddenly of cancer, i spent 5 days with him and never got to say goodbye properly

gave bith two my second son and had my first crisis, and flew over to australia to complete a intensive 10 day psychotherapy workshop it was either that or kill my self.

Well i came back a changed person, but was in no way ready for face my abuse or admit the way i really felt about myself and all the damaging ways i had developed to punish myself. Untill i feel pregnant with my third child and it was a girl... Omg! my mother wanted this man to come back with her to see her when she was born i was horrified. That when i Knew this was going to stop with me, no way was i about to let this happen to my children. So i told her about the abuse. That he was not welcome and i now choose to not have this man in my life and i can because i was an adult. And she abandoned me again... So after my daughter was born i suffered terrible depression and all i could think about was ending my life...

as i stared at the screen of my computer searching for a way to stay alive, i realised i could no longer do this alone i did not have the energy. I rang the catt team for help, they took me in and got me the help i needed. I had the support of a wonderful lady and the team.

I later found me a Gestalt therapist and she helped support me, through staying grounded and tools to cope with panic attacks. After a year my flashback started to come back and it was time for me to confront the impact that this man had on my life and how it had stopped me from living.I was stuck in a living hell.
For five years with this wonderful lady and my own will to live, i relived with her by my side every bit of my trauma, my years were filled with hotsweats, nightmares, panic, terror, collapsing and trying hard not to kill myself. It was the worst pain both mentally and psyically i had to go through.. it was a living nightmare and i was walking around like a dead corpse, hoping and praying it would all end one day and i could finally start living my own life.

Well it did and i survived, i am a different person and i am seeing the world as a new self, a adult not a scared and trapped child. I never thought i would never be here today and i do not even have to try, this new person has just become an intergrated part of me, all my hard work has paid off and i am just so greatful that i am here today and i dont have to try and be free, i actually do fell free.

That is my story ,well a short version anyway. I wanted to let people know that i can happen, its not impossible nor easy i wont lie about that. But i am living proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

loveable1 loveable1
36-40, F
Dec 9, 2012