I'll Do Anything To Forget It.

I'll do anything to forget the memories and feelings. Ive tried everything. Every bloody thing. I read that only way to get over it is to keep talking about it. I read that the more we talk, the more it loses its impact from our lives. So I started typing and talking about it. But it didn't make much difference. It has become a my part, how can I forget a part of myself? There is no delete button. It has just stuck to me.

Maybe I'm not really honest with my feelings and writings. Okay, I'll try harder. I'll try writing and remembering more.
I want to be asleep. I haven't slept well since so long. I want a full deep sleep, with my forehead in someone's lap. I want it so badly. I have a memory.. which doesn't let me sleep. So if I get another memory, a new one, a more beautiful one, a replacement, maybe I'll be able to sleep again. I want to make the new memory as soon as possible.

I get irritated when people tell me to forget and move one. Can anyone really forget something like that? It cannot be forgotten. It can only be healed. You know you are healed when you tell a story and are not disturbed by its thoughts later. That healing is yet to come for me. But I have hopes. One day I'll sleep. One day I'll close my eyes and won't get up in horror looking at dark walls of my room.
I woke up from sleep one morning, opened my eyes and saw his face close to me, and his eyes staring at me. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. How and when will I really forget that? I haven't been able to sleep peacefully since then. There is a constant feeling that someone is watching me. And I get up from sleep to check.. though I know that I'm alone in my room, I feel presence of someone who can see me, but I can't see him. And my ears have got sensitive to the slightest of sounds.
I cannot forget it. It seems so impossible. I will never forget the moment when he pushed his tongue down my throat. I won't go in details.. but it pained. My body pained. So much. Now I don't feel pain when I get wounds... no other pain is bigger than the pain that I was made to go through. I won't forget the bites he gave me. And he slapped and slapped...and I was thrown on the floor..then dragged to bed. And my body pained. Intense pain...that reached my veins and nerves. I didn't believe it was really happening to me. But I didn't cry. Even to this day I don't cry. I can't cry. I couldn't open my eyes. I was too hurt to open it. But he shouted at me and slapped again to keep me awake and shouted.. and called me names. But I wanted to sleep. I wanted to sleep badly. I waited for someone to come and take me in his lap and take me away from him and make me sleep in his lap... hide my face with his palm and don't let him slap me. I wanted someone to come to me. So badly. I want that someone even today. And I wait for him, patiently. I want a replacement of those memories. I looked at him. With a blurred vision, I had tears. And I wanted to sleep forever.
I don't cry. It just makes me sad. Too sad. It's a shadow which never leaves me alone. But I want to be freed from it. I'm hopeful. I know someday I'll be fine. I'll move on. One day I'll have a deep sleep. And I'm waiting for that blessed day.
TiredOfRunning TiredOfRunning
18-21, F
3 Responses Jan 10, 2013

HELLO. YOUR DEEP WOUNDS ARE FELT THRU YOUR WORDS. I'M SORRY FOR THE THINGS YOU'VE ENDURED & THE LASTING IMPACT IT HAS HAD ON YOU. I DID NOT SUFFER WHAT YOU HAVE SUFFERED & EACH OF US HAVE OUR OWN WAY OF COPING, OR DEALING WITH OUR DARK HURTS, THINGS THAT WE CAN'T SPEAK OF OPENLY, FOR FEAR OF BEING JUDGED. I TELL YOU, MY FAMILY PUT ME THRU HELL. SO MUCH SO, THE AT THE AGE OF 7 I TRIED KILLING MYSELF, KNOWING DEATH WAS BETTER THAN LIVING, AT LEAST LIVING IN CONSTANT HELL. I'LL NEVER KNOW WHY THEY NEVER LOVED ME & WHY THEY HATED ME & DID ALL THOSE THINGS TO ME. LIKE YOU, I TRIED MANY THINGS TO FORGET. TO TRY & BURRY THE PAIN & THE MEMORIES. I WENT FROM CUTTING MYSELF, TO BURNING MYSELF, TO DRINKING. THEN TO DRUGS. I FOUND NO HEALING IN ANY OF THOSE THINGS. WELL, THEY DID HELP TEMPORARILY. BUT I HAD TO KEEP DOING THOSE THINGS. THE BURNING HELPED ME GET RELIEF FROM THE INNER PAIN. LIKE YOU, I WASN'T ABLE TO CRY. THOUGH ONE DAY I HAD CRIED REAL HARD. IT WAS LIKE A DAM OPENED UP. IT DID RELEASE A LOT OF YRS OF BUILT UP PAIN. THOUGH, I'M STILL NOT ABLE TO CRY. I JUST HOLD EVERYTHING INSIDE. WRITING DOWN ALL MY THOUGHTS & FEELINGS HELPED SOME AS WELL. THEY SAY TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS, SO THEY SAY. AS FOR MY FAMILY, I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. I RARELY EVER GIVE THEM ANY THOUGHT & I TRY TO LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST. THOUGH, I'M FILLED WITH OTHER PAIN. PAIN FROM DEEPLY MISSING CHILDREN I HELPED RAISED. THAT PAIN HAS BEEN ON GOING SINCE NOV. 18, 1999, THE DAY WE WERE SEPARATED. THAT DAY I LOST THE WILL TO LIVE. THOUGH MY BODY IS ALIVE, MY LIFE IS DEAD TO ME. I PRAY A DAY WILL COME WHEN YOU'LL BE ABLE TO LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND. WHAT HAPPENED WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I'LL TELL YOU THIS, I TRULY BELIEVE IN CARMA. THAT S.O.B. WILL PAY FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE. I PRAY FOR YOU TO HAVE INNER PEACE. I'M NOT TRYING TO PUSH RELIGION, BUT HAVE YOU SOUGHT OUT RELIGION FOR CONSOLENCE? THERE WAS A TIME WHEN READING MY BIBLE 16 TO 18 HOURS A DAY DID GIVE ME AN INNER PEACE. IT'S HELPED MANY OTHERS, IT MAY HELP YOU. AS YOU'VE SAID, ANYTHING IS WORTH TRYING, IF IT BRINGS YOU PEACE. YOU REMAIN IN MY HEART, THOUGHTS & PRAYERS.

Sweetie, I believe that the memories keep comming up because the Psyche believes that it is time to deal with the things that you’ve been unable to deal with, and fighting the memories is stressful. Tears, too, carry stress related chemicals away from the brain; don’t take my word for this—Google it.
Because we were unable, or ill-equipped, to deal with these things when they happened, they fester in our Psyches—in our souls—until we are able to deal with them. Only by fully dealing with these things can we truly put them behind us, and find peace in our lives, and the only other choice is to remain miserable.
People often try to avoid doing either by using drugs and alcohol, but they only find other kinds of misery.
Oh please; root out every last vestage of those memories, and look at them and figure them out until you know them as well as the back of your hand. And let yourself cry, Sweetie, and set yourself free.

I'm sorry that you suffer so, and that you feel trapped by your memories and trauma. Talking/writing is a good start, I really find what helps me the most though is helping others... or trying to help. It's the one thing that gets me out of my self and out of that cage of trauma, instead of suffering and being alone inside myself with all that psyche stufff... I can help let go of my experience by helping another with theirs.

I AGREE. WHEN I'M HELPING OTHERS IS THE ONLY TIME I FEEL WORTH WHILE. OTHERWISE, I'M SIMPLY USELESS. & TOO, IT TAKES YOUR MIND AWAY FROM YOUR OWN ISSUES. MAYBE VISITING AN ORPHANAGE COULD BE SOOTHING. LOVING THOSE WHO HUNGER TO BE LOVED. TRUST ME, NOT BEING LOVED SUCKS BIG TIME. I KNOW YOU HAVE MUCH LOVE IN YOU. REACH OUT TO THOSE AROUND YOU, & TO THOSE INNOCENT CHILDREN, WHO NEED TO KNOW SOMEONE CARES & THAT THEY ARE SPECIAL & THEY ARE SOMEBODY. GIVE OUT THE LOVE YOU HAVE WITHIN YOU. COMFORT THOSE CHILDREN, AS YOU, YOURSELF WISH TO BE COMFORTED. YOU'RE IN MY PRAYERS.