Childhood Sexual Abuse Ruining My Marriage

I was sexually abused by 2 different people at the age of 9. Now, I have been married for 7 years to a good man, and our sex life has always been difficult. He often feels hurt and rejected by the lack of intimacy (emotional and sexual) that often characterizes our marriage. I feel disgusted by sex a lot of the time, and if he touches me without warning, I freak out.

He loves me very much and would never want to get a divorce, even though it has been really hard on him. I am in therapy, and it is helping a little bit, but I still don't really like sex or think of it as something that is connected with expression of love. I am afraid that things will never improve. I am so tired of us hurting each other in this area. Sex is a big part of a marriage, and I simply can't deliver. I feel so guilty, so broken, and so unable to change. I should never have gotten married in the first place, but now I am, we have 2 beautiful children, and I do love him. But I feel like I should leave him because of this. I can't face another 60 years of feeling guilty and ashamed and suffering through sex while my husband feels hurt and rejected and is missing out on this huge need.

I should add, my husband has developed a habit of turning to po*nography, which began before we were married, but has continued until today.  He is now in counseling to deal with it as we think it is an addiction.  He says now that he uses it to deal with the lack of sexual intimacy that we have, even though he admits it's a wrong way of dealing with it.  When I found this out, it tore me apart.  I thought, maybe all men really are the same...

kathpro kathpro
31-35, F
Jan 23, 2013