I'm going through a transitional time in my life and am very scared that I might make the wrong decisions for the well being of my family(me and my two kids). On the outside I'm very upbeat, funny, social, always have a cute matching outfit and makeup and hair done, but on the inside, I'm screaming to leave and be alone and not deal with people at all.
It's been getting harder since I lost my job of the past few years for standing up for what I believe in, after all the years of my boss pulling my arm back and convincing me to stay, giving me lavish gifts and telling me how the grass is not greener on the other side that I have a family to think about. I'm starting to think he's right. I found another job that same day because I'm good at what I do and I know I can provide well for us, but I dread it. I'm not a natural people person, all my abuse from my life taught me to shut down and disassociate, but strangely, made me very good at mimicking others behaviors and pretending to be normal, so if need be, I can be a great "people person".
I feel like I'm jeopardizing my kids future because I'm being picky about my career. I cant go back, it makes me feel like I did after he got done with humiliating and using me and could care less what happened to me afterward. But my credit is about to go south and all the years of me building it to get us a home and place of safety to call our own will be lost because my boss was right, the grass is not greener on the other side, I can't make the money like I used to anywhere else, I know he wants me to gravel for my job back, he knows how vulnerable I was. I think the worst part about that job was him, he reminds me so much of my abusers growing up. blackmailing, pretending to be nice and my friend, just to get what he wanted and the moment I'm of no use, then I'm discarded like trash.
My sexual abuse ran from my earliest memories, all the way till I was 17 and that last one was pretty traumatic and led me out of desperation into the arms of my only relationship and father of my kids and 7 years of hell.
I was a beacon for pedophiles growing up, because of my situation, I learned to shut down and disassociate very early and never really learned how to shut that off, but i'll share the only ones that still hurt quite a bit and seem to still affect me. I was an easy target because my mom was mentally disabled and my father was not around since he only married my mom to be legal and beat the hell out of her and took off the day I was born.
He tried later to reach out to me set up custody visitation and I was grateful since no one else seemed to care and my mom was a complete nutcase who was extremely physically and sexually abusive. Well turns out he was too, and looking back, I'm sure he only reached out because my stepsisters had gotten too old for his taste.. but I never said anything because he was the closest thing to normal that I had, and besides there was no one who would care to listen, for some reason that really hurts too, everyone seems to have had abusers that threatened them and whatnot, well not a single one ever threatened me, I was such a damn nothing that they knew they didn't have to worry.. once my mom asked if he was molesting me and I was finally going to say something, and that's when she started molesting me and telling me how she wished he would touch her like that, it was sick and I was pretty scarred from it. When I was taken from my mom the first time at around 7 and given to an aunt, her boyfriend was extremely abusive and hated me but she would remind me of how much worse it would be if I went to foster care, so I was taught pretty early on to just take abuse and be thankful it wasn't as bad as it could get.
To this day, I still find it extremely hard to make friends with women since all the women in my life seemed to take pleasure in torturing me, both my mom and step mom, I would later find out, knew he was molesting me and were disgustingly jealous and blamed me for it and made me a constant target for their frustration and anger.
My dad left when I was 10 and never came back, that was the year when **** really hit the fan for me. I had lost my best and only friend(the second one already, the other when I was 5 to a kidnapping) and my dad had become more brazen with his abuse, he was drunk all the time and him and my step mom were seeing other people and she would force me to sleep in his bed with him so she could sleep in mine and he would have free reign on me. I told my aunt that if she made me go back to his house I would call the police and if that didn't work I would run away again and this time I would die before I came back. She took my word and didn't send me back and I didn't hear from him again until I was 17 and he came with his lawyer to have me sign away his rights and back child support paperwork so he wouldn't go to jail and could get married again. In exchange he sent me all the dope money I wanted and even let me come stay with him again since I was homeless at the time. But surprise, surprise he was still a sick ******* bastard, this time, preaching about Jesus. I talk to him now and still feel sick because we never talk about what he did, and just when I think I've hidden it well enough, I still remember that it happened and it still ***** me up.
I had gotten raped and didn't know it when I was 17 too. The sick part was that I was drugged and it came back to me in pieces and the cool college guy I had just met, was actually him. I didn't know how to cope, I didn't understand how it was possible to not know and then it come back to you. He was so sweet, he couldn't have, but he did it again, this time he didn't drug me, well not in the beginning. He offered me a ride home from a mutual friends house and I hesitantly agreed since he was the only one with a car, but instead he went to his house, I told him to please take me home but his whole sweet demeanor changed and he said I could either spend the night or walk across town to my house, reluctantly I stayed. As soon as I got inside, he started ripping my clothes off, I was so scared and extremely self conscious, since I was very thin and had hardly any breasts then. I started to fight him and that's when he pinned my arms back and told me to grow the **** up and stop acting like a little kid, that I was leading him on by getting in the car with him at that hour(it was after midnight). My low self esteemed self believed him, and I went limp and let him do what he wanted. When I got to his room, he made me a drink and put something in it and told me to drink it, when I took a sip, he grabbed the glass and forced me to chug the whole thing, I started to feel funny and the room started spinning, he said it would help with the "pain", that's how I put 2 and 2 together and realized that he had drugged me the first time. He did some pretty sick **** to me that night, that even with the drugs and alcohol, still hurt. I felt so disgusting, for some reason the sickness in me felt like I was trapped with him and when he would come back in town from college, I would let him do it again, I had no idea how to separate humiliation, pain and sex, even to this day I have trouble with that, exactly why I don't date, I know my sick attractions are not healthy for my kids and when I meet a nice guy, I feel so unworthy..
I met my kids dad at an art festival when I was 14, he looked very lost and lonely and very handsome, of course I dug mohawks and suspenders then. I went up to him and gave him a hug(year later he told me he thought his mom was going to die that day and it was one of the saddest days of his life until he met me). Well flashforward years later after my last incedent and I am now on a downward spiral and using drugs to cope, I meet my kids dad again and I still have the strap tohis trip pants that he wore that day, turns out he dealt pretty good stuff and gave me an 8ball free. I became very close to him and we confided in eachother and found comfort in our inability to connect with others, we could not say a lot and still enjoy each others company and that's the way I liked it, I hated physical contact unless it was painful and sexual, it was a hard time for me. well we dated for about a year, he had an awesome job at a 5 star restaurant that he worked for years and sold weed to basically pay for the habit and profit a little, life seemed great and I no longer felt depressed and we weren't doing any hard drugs, but I was getting bored disconnected, so I decided to move on, well he was upset but understood and we remained friends, I was a little weirded out when he invited me to his friends party but thought it was ok and would just get a ride with another friend home, well he was extremely jealous and dragged me out of the party and took me home and raped me, I felt so disgusting, I threw up everywhere and he still kept going. I found out I was later pregnant and long story short he begged me not to get an abortion, I thought I would be a horrible mom since I never had a real one or knew anything about love, but I was forced to grow up, he made a promise to be the best, blah blah blah.. Well it all went downhill from there, he knew once I was pregnant and bed ridden because it was such a hard pregnancy that almost cost me and the baby our lives on more than one occasion, I wasn't going anywhere. He was the damn devil, my son has so many issues and I still think it is because of my horribly traumatizing and abusive pregnancy, when I finally made an escape plan after he was born, he held me down again. It was extremely painful, I still had stitches, and again I was pregnant, he used rape as his main weapon of power over me. I was stuck and went through hell to get out and build a life for us and now I feel like I'm coming full circle, sorry it was so long if there was anyone who made it this far, but I've never told this to anyone, it feels strange letting it out in at least some way, I just want my life to get better, I don't want to have it ran by a selfish ****** up man ever again..
dannygirl89 dannygirl89
26-30, F
Aug 16, 2014