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Hatred With A Passion

   When I was a little boy all I ever wanted from my dad was a hug and to be told that he loved me. Instead all I ever got was beaten and for most of the time I never knew why I was being beaten with a belt he would remove from his waist. I'll never forget one specific time he beat me so hard until I wet myself. I had a pair of shorts on so I felt so humiliated. He even said to me, "I'm going to beat you so hard until the **** runs down your legs!". I guess I peed myself to get the beating to stop, I'm not sure but I'll never forget it.

   Have you ever loved someone so much with a passion with all your being, with everything inside you? your heart, soul and mind? Well it was just the opposite for me toward my father. I hated him so much, with all my being. I hated him as much as anybody could love somebody, I hated him with a passion.I hated him not as much for the abuse he done to me but more so the abuse he done to my mother because it was much worse. My mother was a good Christian woman, faithful to God and my dad. I was a child and at home when my dad would come home from work and start an argument with my mom and accuse her of having an affair with neighbor and began beating her.  He would give her black eyes, bruise her arms and  just beat her for some false made-up story which I knew was a lie because I was with my mom all day. Then if my older brothers would try to stop him, he would pull out a shot gun or a pistol and threaten to shoot and kill all of us. I stood trembling coward behind a doorway peeking to see what would happen next.

   I grew up in this kind of environment all the way up to my teenage years and one day my dad and I had an argument and I was filled with anger. All the years of abuse had reached a boiling point and it was eating me alive. I had so much anger bottled up inside of me and my dad just looked at me and smiled.That evil look on his face and that smile was a wake-up call for me. All the anger and hatred that I had inside of me was only hurting me and destroying me and I needed to let it go because my dad sure wasn't feeling any of it, I was the one suffering the most from holding on to all that anger.

   I never in my lifetime got a hug from my dad or heard the words "I love you!" from him but I forgave him and went up to him one day and put my arm around him and told him I loved him. Alot has happened since then, so much, so much more. He has passed away and I must say although I loved him, I just couldn't grieve or shed a tear because it was like a relief and THE END to a HORROR STORY!

   Some may say that sounds cold hearted, what some of you don't understand is, I'm leaving the worst and ugliest parts of this story out and that's the parts that occured not long before he died. 

   

  
michaelraybaker michaelraybaker 46-50, M 12 Responses Apr 12, 2012

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It is so good to hear you let go of the anger and set yourself free. Big HUGS!!

Michael, thank you so much for sharing your sad story, wow, no one should have to grow up in that atmosphere for sure!!! It sounds like you have overcome the sadness, and have accomplished so much with your life!!!! :)

Thank you Beachyguy, I really appreciate the words of encouragement.

It's tough and now with your experiences you need to get out there and help others who are going through a similarly hard time with domestic assaults in their own lives. http://missisaugacriminallawfirm.ca

I understand what you are saying......I don't hate or love my father anymore, and when he dies I will be indifferent to it. He is a total stranger to me, and if I were to choose if i wanted him as a friend, I wouldn't.

I know what you're saying, I wouldn't either!

Your story has brought me to tears -

I could really relate to this story i suffered really badly from both my father & ex-partner, i did write my story down on a group site they have a waiting list that's if they ever believe it..What scares me is when i printed a draft of the story i couldn't stop myself from crying it was hard to accept the things i erased out of my memory that came flooding back when i typing it out and when i read it, it still seems unreal that this happened to me it's as am reading someone else's story,,i must sound selfish there are far worse cases and survivors, sadly tho i can't escape my father i tip toe around the house to avoid him at all costs i don't have much freedom of choice(Dad is middle eastern & mom is british) couldn't move out til i got married am stuck,,Your so brave you should be proud of yourself, there's days i hate my father and mother so much i begin to hate god in return for giving me life, there's days i think i'll forgive them and there's days i just think of ending it

Jazz, please try to let go of the hatred for only you can feel it and eats away at your soul and destrys your heart. If you will do that it strngthen you and make you stronger in faith and in courage. There's nothing more than the devil want's than you to end your life, then He has accomplshied his goal using your father. Please don't give your father or satan the satisfaction but know that God loves and has not forsaken you and the Bible tell us through our weakness's weare made strong. You will have your day and will be a blessed day. God bless you!

Now this made me cry...What kind of human being can do that to a child.The man was given a lot and he did what with it?Some people never find a mate to love them let alone have the unconditional love of a child.So very sad....but I have to turn the page in the horror story to know the end came and we get Micheal Ray Baker:-) a tempered and tested man

Thank You holywren, you're always so kind. I've suffered alo in my lifetime, but joy has filled my heart too. I was reading in Proverbs and it said: Sow in tears and reap in joy! and so that sum's up my life's story.

Thanks for sharing this experience. Its quite inspiring. I am also trying to forgive someone. In my prayers I ask for the strength...and I forgive .... but after few days I again start blaming him for hurting me. It is really difficult to forgive when one is terribly hurt. But you did. I really appreciate you.

Thank you so very much, that really blesses my heart. Blaming someone for hurting you isn'y so bad as long as youcan forgive them. You can forgive, but you'll never forget. The pain subsides but resurfaces sometimes and you're scarred for life, I refer to them as battle scars. Just always remember, through our weakness's we are made strong.

I dont think its cold hearted to hate him. I often tell people I dont love my mother because she was abusive and some of them probably think i'm being cold hearted but I am just being honest. It's not even that I couldn't forgive her, I probably could, but I could never feel warmth in my heart for her as I do for other people. And I guess that's the same for you. Thank u for sharing ur story

Well I actually loved my dad, lets just say I hated what he did. However I did grow up hating him, but I learn to let that hatred go because it was killing me inside. Thank you for your thoughts of kindness, they're appreciated.

I'm glad you don't hate him anymore... I think you're right if we hate people, it ends up killing us. It really doesn't impact them at all. That's what Nelson Mandela said after 27 years he said that forgiveness allowed him to regain power rather than to continue as a prisoner. I definitely don't hate my mother, I just don't love her. I have a twin sister and I think we both feel the same way. I understand her abuse arose from mental health problems and that means I do feel sorry for her. But how do you love someone who tells you she wishes she did not have you among other things who herself says "Im unable to love you," who allows her men to abuse you and the list goes on... Because she was such a hard woman it meant that I could never love her or see her softness... I would often escape to my grandmother's and by contrast, I adore that woman because she is so warm and loving. Sorry for the spiel, I know this was your story but I was just wanted to say that. I am glad you found the courage to forgive him that makes you a bigger person and it helps u I am sure x

That's OK! Thank you for sharing yours too!

It's easy to love those that love you back, but a true and perfect love is being able to love those that hate and persecute you. God Bless!

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Forgiving him, tells Mmmmme alot about ya. Very touching story.

Thank you!

thank you so much I appreciate it. To forgive somebody is like taking alot of weight off your shoulders. I hope this story helps somebody to learn to let go of their anger and hatred because it onlu hurts themselves more than anyone else.

The end to a horror story - I understand. I am glad for you and your brothers that you got out of this abusive situation. Forgiveness is a wonderful miracle, I know. I forgave my father too, and it enabled us both to let go, of history, and blaming, and anger and hatred.



I am so glad you shared this poignant and painful story and hope that you have found layers of love and joy in your life.

amen