I Just Dont Know

Im 26 i have bpd im bi polar and i might have a little body dysmorphic disorder but whatever my problem is its severe ( b/c it interferes with my day to day life ). Im at a crossroads and its hard for me to make the right decisions in my life. I have a 31 yr old boyfriend weve been together 4 years and he can be a great guy but then again he can be really detremental to me (excuse my spelling its atrocious) you see my bpd has gotten so bad i had to make a therapy appointment.. When my bf and i got together everything was fine but then he started telling young cute girls on facebook how hot they were he triggered my bpd hed look at **** everyday and hide and lie about it ( like 3 times a day). He told me his exes ***** was tighter than mine b/c i asked him who felt better or something ( she was 17 and obviously theres more to the story but id be typing a book if i told everything it took me practically begging him but he told the truth and it scard this realationship). He has changed but i cant believe him.. I want to and its not fair to him .. Anyway back to the beggining he was going to a ex friend of ours to get stuff well he told me after he had gone a few times that she was in her bra and panties everytime he went there it made me furious ( the girl is who he wanted to date before me he kinda just picked me as a last resort so he wouldnt be alone). He has beat me strangled me kicked me in the face ive had some busted lips and black eyes and etc... He used to beat me its been awhile like 4 months sense hes put his hands on me and hes trying hard to change he has changed anyway in 4 years id say weve been apart maybe 45 days. I spend 24/7 with him were codependant .. My issues have gotten to a stand still im not vindictive anymore ( that girl that was in her bra and panties for him well to get back at him for that i showed a complete stranger my boobs to make it even and to get back at him i know it was crazy and wrong and that isnt the person i am today). I just dont believe him and it sucks... This guy has quit **** completely, hes quit being abusive, hes stopped hanging out w friends ( as have i) we litterally are the only people in our lives ( besides his mom and dad and my uncle). Hes quit looking at other women and has done a lot to try and accomodate me and my disorder.. The thing is im not sure about this relationship.. We used to make love all the time and now i dread it ( he is a man and he needs release). Hes very polite and never forces me too but i mean i have no desire for sex... I dont know why maybe its bc everytime we do it all i can think is hes had tighter better ***** than me... Ive never known what its like to enjoy sex i used it as a way to connect to someone anyone and idk i was easy in my youth i regret it its not like ive had sex with 30 people or something but i regret a lot of my past decisions and its not an excuse but bpd caused a lot of my bad habits/decisions.. Anywway i know he loves me and i love him and im worried that my love is waning .. Im scarred that if we were to break up of the consequences of thst im scared to be alone... But i want a better life one where i can provide for myself and excel at.. I dont want to be in this trailor afraid to go to town bc some prettier girls will be there ( its really bad and ive never been this bad to where i just wont go out). I want to enjoy beautiful people not loathe them.. I was a cutter so i have bad noticiable scars on my arms so i cant wear cute things wo being concious of it.. I feel like ive trapped myself and i dont want to hurt him... How will he take care of himself? Im supporting us right now on my disability check ( hes had jobs but either i got to jealous or mad or he just felt like everyone hated him) i cant see how he could stand living like this ive tortured him and vice versa i dont want to end this relationship but on the same hand i do... I dont want to break his heart or mine i wish that theyre was some magic pill i could take that would fix us ... He loves me he really does.. And i thought love could conquor anything it means the most to me so why am i falling apart? Hes fixed everything a man can so why cant i just be happy? He means more to me than anything but we arent good for each other but we want to be.. I have my first therapy session soon i just dont know if i should tell the therapist everything because the abuse part would automatically make anyone say leave and im sure i left out all the crap i did ( i ripped up his comic books bc of the naked girls or 1/2 naked girls and i mean you have to be bad off to get triggered by drawings of girls i mean whos jealous/rage comes out bc of a drawing?!? Anyway ive been a little dictator and all that terriblness). We harbor resentment for each other and we try to be there the best we can but this relationship feels like a chore.. Hes tired and im tired.. He wants to smoke weed he has no other want and ive never seen a person so affected by not having pot dont get me wrong i like weed i dont think it hurts anything but i cant afford it and i just dont care about it ( if weed were legal then people could bake it into food and it wouldnt hurt your lungs in fact it wouldnt hurt anything but its not so ya got no other choice but to smoke it). When he doesnt have weed he pouts and gets aggressive and its all in his head but that doesnt help the situation i mean i know i have bpd but i still havent learned how to turn off my feelings its ridiculios to everyone except him its real to him and i hate to see him battle it and finally get it and when its gone after a few days its back to hating everything and being so mean that i just give up and tell him to do whatever he wants. Idk im in a bad spot .. I want to change and i want a better life and he wants me to be happy with him doing what were doing i dont want to insult him bc if its love all u need is each other right? Jeez someone help me figure this out... Please.
Unhappyness Unhappyness
22-25, F
Apr 27, 2012