I Married An Abusive Man, And Now I Am Suffering The Effects Of Leaving The Marriage.

Wow.... where to even begin....

I meet my husband when I was 25. We met thru friends at a local bar. He was charming, tall, dark, handsome... perfect. Or so I thought.
After 3 months of dating, I found out I was pregnant. Not with just one baby, but twins. In a flash I became excited and felt blessed and also very unsure of the future. My husband begged me to not terminate the pregnancy, he swore to stop selling drugs and stop drinking. He promised he was going to make me a happy wife and be the best husband he know how. This is where the darkness begins.
Looking back, those heartfelt promises were in fact lies. Why was I so blind? Why did I believe him? Because I wanted that "perfect family life" so badly, I was willing to take a chance.
Shortly after we got pregnant we moved into a tiny- I MEAN TINY apartment. A studio on the third floor in a crappy neighborhood. But it was somehow endearing because it was our start in our new life. About a month after settling in to our new home my husband left to drop off a friend. I fell asleep. Later I woke up around 4am. He was no where to be found. I called his phone convinced somthing had happened. He answered, drunk, and said he lost track of time and returned home. I explained to him that this was not going to be ok with me. He understood and promised to behave himself.
Around my 5th month of pregnancy his mother started to become very verbally abusive. I noticed she seemed to have some sort of control over my fiance. She used guilt to persue whatever she wanted from him. I asked my husband about his relationship with his mother. This is when he dropped a bomb on me. His mother had forced him into drug rehabs and homeless shelters over the course of his childhood. She molested him. She told him because his dad abandoned them that he was now going to be the "new husband" she needed. Everything revolved around her and her needs and her medications to control her mental illness. She would beat him and then call police and have him arrested to hitting her. She would force him into homeless shelters to control him from seeing his friends or his dad. Sick sick things one would never imagine putting a child- nevermind your OWN child thru. I pittied my husband to be. However I should have RAN away. This was the perfect recipie for an abusive adult. Had I only known....
His mother came to our apartment, broke into the house and and myself and my husband locked ourselves in a room and called police. Police came and removed her and told her never to come back. This woman actually tried to tell police that she "feared" my husband. Police laughed and sent her on her way.
About a month later my fiance and I got into a petty argument while he was driving. I said I wanted to be dropped off at my mothers until things cooled off. About a block from my mothers home he slammed on the breaks, sending my flying forward into the dashboard hitting my pregant tummy on the car. I was shocked, looking back now I realize he was trying to kill our unborn children. I staggered out of the car which was stopped. I collapsed onto the sidewalk. He shouted at me somthing about being a bi*ch and speed off, leaving me in pain on the sidewalk in the snow in at 10pm. I walked to my mothers and she took me into the ER.
I was getting treatment in the ER when my fiance showed up suddenly and came into my room. He began crying begging for forgiveness. I was so confused I just sat quietly looking at him wondering what was really going on. About a hour later just before they released me his mother came rushing into my hospital room. She started screaming at me, saying, "Why are you making my son so upset!" Then she tried to stab me with a pen she pulled from her purse. My fiance jumped up and pulled her away and pushed her out of the room. I used the phone to call security, they searched the hospital but were unable to locate her. Once again she just got away with this violence. Once again I took him back.
Around 6 months pregnant I had the bills for our marriage ready, and everything was set up and ready to go. My mother had put up $3500 for the reception already. My fiance told me he could not even pay for his tux because he could not find work. At this point he had crashed his car and was now without a car or a job. So rather then waste my mothers money, risk umbarrassment, and for my own personal reasons I paid for EVERYTHING. I even bought him a $600 dollar wedding band and had it engraved with our names. He bought me a $45 dollar ring off the internet and promised when he had more money he would replace it with a better ring.
His mother made countless threats to "bomb" our wedding, to tell all of my finaces family not to attend, etc. I had to have a police detail at the church to feel confident she would not come and ruin my big day. The cermeony was wonderful... except for the part where my husband went to put the ring on my finger and dropped it. If that was not a bad omen then I dont know what is!
A few months later we moved into our second apartment. A little bigger and a lot nicer! Shortly after that we welcomed our beautiful baby boys. My angels. My whole life I have waited for this moment. I went to breastfeed my baby in the hospital, my husband screamed at me insisting I was being sexual with my new born. He told me he would not allow it so I was not able to breastfeed my babies. It really hurt inside. I felt robbed. My husband was addicted to pain meds before we were married. He ordered me several times to demand more pain meds and give them to him to sniff in my hospital room. I told him no and he started to yell at me. The nurses asked him to leave for a little while. When he was gone they asked me if I felt unsafe with him. I smiled and said certainly not- hes the best man in the world. I was looking at the kind nurse- trying to almost telapathically tell her "HELP ME" but alas, she smiled and said ok! Good luck!
3 Weeks after bringing home my bundles of joy, my husband again became angry and started yelling. He grabbed me by my forearm and shook me until I fell to the floor crying. He kicked me, spit on me, called me worthless and weak and left. But before leaving he kicked my son while my son was in his car seat. I called police from a neighbors phone. DV charges were filled. Child protective services came. I began to question myself.... did he really hurt me? Was this all nessacary? What is domestic violence? Is there somthing wrong with me?
Child protective services told me nothing about domestic violence. They said word for word, "Get a divorce now or we will take your kids." I could not understand why this ultimatium was being given to me so suddenly. Was it not me who was attacked? A week later my husband returned and broke into the apartment. He dragged me into the livign room and forced me to my knees and began screaming in my face. Accusing me of being a *****, being unfaithful, being a bad wife. A good wife would never call the police! No matter what! Was this true? Did I violate my promise to love and uphold our marriage? I must have. My husband loves me, he would not lie to me.
I ran into the bathroom with my purse. I said I was going to call police if he would not stop hurting me. He broke the door down, ripped it off the hinges. Grabbed me by the neck, took my purse and threw me out of the bathroom. He began searching thru my purse for my phone, and money. Instead of trying to stop him, I ran to my children grabbed them from their cribs and fled the apartment building. Outside I flagged down a neighbor and had the police called. My husband came out of the apartment and head towards me, I knew by the look on his face that he was going to hurt me. The neighbors shouted at him, he turned and ran for his car. Police showed up moments after he left. He got away again, charges were filed.
Mabey its because my own father was never in my life I became a this weak, helpness person. I have never even seen a photo of him. My mother said he was no good and its better he was not around. I always ask myself was it because my life is truly meaningless that thats mabey why my dad never wanted to know me. It is interesting to note here that I was searching for my biological father when I started dating my husband. Mabey I was trying to somehow fill that empty void in my heart.
Weeks passed. Court date came, however I could not bring myself to testify in court. I could not even bring myself to speak to him. My newborn children were the only thing that I payed and attention too. I moved out of my apartment because I lived in fear of who would be knocking at my door next. DFC? Police? Him? His Mother?
I moved into my mothers home a few streets away from my apartment. Things were okay for a few weeks, and then I had a argument with my mom. She always has this way of making me feel unwanted. She would say things like, "Im so happy your here, you made the right choice!" The later on in the day she would yell at me because the babies were being fussy or I didnt wash their bottles the correct way or because I was being rude to my sister. Stress began to build as it always has when I live with her. My husband contacted me. He begged for me to let him make everything ok. He told me my mother hated me, that no one cared about me or the babies but him. I was convinced he was my only salvation. I stole $20 grand from his mother, and moved me in with him out of state. He secluded me from any friends or family I had. He promised this was going to be a fresh start. And I believed him, and we found out I was pregnant again.
One week after moving into the new townhouse with our children, we discovered i was again expecting. I prayed for a girl, alas I was blessed with a third baby boy. My husband was bringing in food from a shopping trip when he began to become angry. He grabbed me by my hair and dragged me down the sidewalk. I was crying and he poured a hot coffee over my face. I screamed and he released me and jumped into his car and left me on the sidewalk. Crying.
I let him back after another round of promises to change. He was okay for a little while. Then again he began to hit me, pregnant. Spit in my face, forced me to the ground as if I was a dog who had peed on the carpet. My children saw this and began to scream. It was then I looked into their eyes and the fear they had for their mommy suddenly became REAL to me. My husband was charged with assualt. He came back tho, ignoring the court order no contact order. He came back trying to steal various electronics from the home to pawn for drug money. The neighbors knew he was screaming and hitting me and that my cell phone had been broken in the pervious assult so the called police for me. The police came but my husband bolted out a bathroom window and ran from the cops. They never found him. Again, he got away. No punishment.
After that they issued a warrent for his arrest. All this business with police was meaningless to me at this point. Nothing ever came from it. It just made my husband more angry with me. It was all so shamefull. I was ashamed to admitt to being an abused wife, this was not the dream I had when I was a little girl. My life could not possiably have turned out this way I thought to myself. If I just pretend this is not happening, it will all go away....
Time passed. My husband came home in the middle of the night. I was asleep in my bed. He jumped into bed with me and I just stared at the ceiling. I let him rape me as he usually did. It was better to submit to his demands then have to deal with his anger.
The next morning there was a loud knock at the door. My husband peeked out the window, and turned to me and said, "Dont you ******* let them in here. Remember your kids are 6 feet from me, I will do somthing crazy if you let them in here." I remembered the warrent for his arrest. I put my robe and slippers on and walked downstairs and answered the door. The police demanded to be let inside the house to arrest my husband. I was torn, do I risk this? What the hell can they do for me? They have never helped me. They just cause me to be beaten more.
I did in fact let them in after they said they would arrest me if I was hiding him. I nodded and lead them upstairs praying to God my husband would not hurt the kids in the next room. They took him to jail. He is still sitting there today. I remeber what he was wearing that morning. I remember still being sore from the rape. I remember looking at him with such hate and disgust. And all this, when they finally left I cried. Why was I crying?!? He was gone! I cried because I realized my battle was over. That from this point on I would never let him hurt me again. As long as he was in jail I felt like I was safe!
However his mother- OH HIS MOTHER! I forgot about her in my bliss.... She began to stalk me and harrass me, breaking into my car, coming to my house and trying to force her way in, going to my mothers home and shoving my mother in the chest, stalking me, making false reports to the police and DSS that I am a drug addict and hit my kids. But I am still to this day remaining strong. I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I know God has a better life for me- and all I have to do is trust in myself and love my children. If you read this and are asking yourself if you should stay or go- please I know you have no idea whats the right choice. You dont know me. You may feel like its your fault, or if you just were a better girlfriend/wife you can fix him.... please please please.
WALK AWAY NOW. Dont become me, a broken empty shell. I have so many regrets, so many times I could have stopped this. My gut told me that it was HIM and he told me it was ME. And you believe the man because you want a happy life- but here is the real truth my dear. There is no happy life with him. In fact the only happy life you can have now is going to start after you leave him and deal with the trama. That alone takes years- dont waste one more second. Your life has MEANING. Your not alone.
Thank you for reading my story. If you need advice, please dont hesitate to reach out to me and I will be here for you. I wished I had someone- anyone to listen to me when I was going thru this. Let me be that friend you need.

Love, Ashley
bunnyblaze85 bunnyblaze85
26-30, F
May 4, 2012