If I Stayed Any Longer I Would Be A Murder Victim.

My story starts like many others I’ve heard. I met a wonderful man who I fell madly in love with, to the point of marking my body for life with his name and giving him a child.

5 years into our 9 year relationship, the verbal and emotional abuse began. Year after year the horrible treatment, disrespect and disregard for me escalated. Physical violence escalated from a push to hitting, biting, kicking and finally choking. I still did not leave, I had hope. I put all my faith in hope, hoping he would stop, hoping he would be the man whom I tatted on my chest. Hope damn near got me killed. He’s threatened to kill me for years, for a number of reasons, if I leave, so he can have our son, if I cheat, if I disrespect him.

He choked me 2 days before he struggled with himself to put the knife down; he ended up stabbing through the plates in the sink the only thing that was next to me. Thank god he had some restraint, I didn’t know for how long he would be able to restrain himself, I took my kid and I ran out the house and called the police for the first time ever.

The policewoman said something all women need to know. Choking is one of the last steps before he kills you. I never heard that before, but when I did it made my blood run cold.

5 days have passed and he is still in custody, the second day I actually worried about him, until I realized he doesn’t deserve my concerns or love.
It’s an inner struggle, love myself or him. I chose him for to long, I used fear as an excuse to justify staying, it wasn’t fear, it was love and hope. My only chance of survival was to give up hope and love myself more than him. I take partial accountability for not leaving sooner and letting it get to this point. Thank god I had took the chance to leave and live. A child deserves better than being in a household with abuse, even tho the exposure was minimal to  my son, I feel horrible for waiting so long.

Only 5 days have passed, the first 3 were torturous but today, I feel my strength coming back with the love for myself that I lost so many years ago.
DA08 DA08
26-30, F
2 Responses Nov 29, 2012

Thank you for being so honest. I left October 2nd. I wish I could tell you the mixed emotions get "better" but my experience has just been they happen less. I have 2 sons and focus on them daily. My abuser is still in custody and now my fear is having to face him again in court....just related to your story. I was not with my abuser nearly as long but have been told by many it's a miracle I made it out alive. Hang in there

I'm so happy that you're finally out. Remember to take great care of your self -- spiritually, emotionally and physically. You're in a period of recovery that will take a while to grow out of, but you will and life will be so good you'll have trouble recalling how you could've ever felt so horribly. Your child should be in therapy as soon as possible, his father's behavior will have an effect on him whether he was old enough to understand what was happening or not.

Be strong and stay away!!

Thank you for your advice! I have already begun to get counselling started for him. I have surrounded my self with friends and family I have previously distanced myself because of everything. Today was my first day back at church in many years! Everything is extremely fresh and my hurt is just below the surface, but I am at peace and surrounded by positivity. I am ready and beginning to start my new phase of life!

I'm happy for you - just stay focused on the positive......