Trying To Move Forward...

So I haven't really shared all of my story with many but felt the need to so I can begin to heal and move forward. I am also starting counseling soon, however would love to hear from someone that gets and understands what I am going thru with advice on how to move past the hurt I carry with me and the fear of facing my abuser in the near future.

Until about 12 months ago my life was pretty "normal" if there is such a thing. I had been married a little over 10 years with 2 beautiful little boys that are my world. I didn't have the healthiest marriage in the world but it wasn't horrible either. Around Thanksgiving last year I found out my husband had been cheating on me. We stayed together thru the holidays for the boys and at the New Year we separated and were going to give each other space while we tried to heal. Then on January 11, 2012 my life changed forever when my husband of only 36 years old passed away from a heart attack in his sleep. To say the least me and my children struggled significantly with his loss and still do to this day.

This is when my abuser entered my life more. He and I had met and were on a friendly basis, however he was a couple of years younger than me and knew what I was going thru with my marriage so it was never anything that was looked at seriously when I first met him. Once my husband passed away he was there. He was loving, understanding, supportive and would just hold me while I cried many nights. We bonded more quickly than I ever would have had I not experienced such loss and he had not been such a comfort to me afterwards. We began dating and I eventually let him become involved in my children's lives too. My family didn't like this initially but my mindset at the time was that life is too short and I know now I was trying to run from the overwhelming loss of my husband.

Due to my family's lack of approval we moved in together a few months later and really he was all I had. He started isolating me from my family and friends and he became my world. Just him and my boys.... and things were good for awhile. Then is started. The first time he physically abused me he choked me and told me later he was sorry. He had been on drugs and was jealous thinking other men were going to steal me away from him. He of course promised it would never happen again and I wanted so badly to believe him. This was just something I had never really been exposed to and I believed he really loved me and I could save him so to speak.

He then put in for a transfer to a state up North I had never even visited before and was promised this was our fresh start and he was going to focus on his work again and would not have any drug connections there and we could build our lives with the kids there together without our past and memories haunting us. So we planned and I jumped in with both feet. I said yes. In the following months he proposed, we busied ourselves with the move and helping the boys adjust, finding a new home there, etc.

Throughout this whole time he became almost completely dependent on me for money, home, his car, insurance, moving costs, his legal issues, etc. etc. and with the move came the promise he would be able to focus on work again and begin to contribute financially again.....well the money on my side was running out and his promises fell flat. So once we were there and money started getting tight when he was used to living a very comfortable lifestyle he became more and more violent. The choking started again, then beating, biting, daily bruises, a broken arm, burning me and the morning I left he raped me, broke a broom over my back and then sodomized me with it. How did I get here? How is this me? My life? I found out that day he was forging checks out of my account for cash to himself and still after all of this was hurting me physically. I felt so alone. I didn't want to call home and admit I was SO wrong about him. I wanted us to be "OK" like we used to be and thought we could "fix" it. I was sooooo wrong. After I ran that morning and got to the hospital he was arrested. He later failed a polygraph he volunteered to take while denying what he had done and I immediately felt like I went from his victim to defending that I was not lying. I had to be pictured, explain every mark on me, repeat my story over and over again. My family came that day and has been great in supporting me and moving me back home. I had to testify twice for the grand jury and he has been charged with very serious charges and is not able to get out currently. However, I know him enough to know he will try to take me to court to scare me. He told the cops I would drop the charges, which I later found out 6 other women have had the same types of charges against him and they ALL dropped the charges and let him go. I want to be strong and not do the same. I want to make sure there is not a number 8 or 9 that has to go thru what I did. But I also just want this to all be over. I want to hide and not deal with it....but that is not working for me. I'm still not sleeping well, I have nightmares and I get angry at myself sometimes at night for actually missing him. The detectives told me it is a miracle that I am alive and that he is one of the most sadistic they have ever come across. So I know I am doing the right thing. But get mad at myself when I am alone at night and it gets quiet and I miss him, I feel sorry that he is in prison, I hurt and EVERYTHING reminds me of him.

I have started truly grieving the loss of my late husband. And am dealing with the torture I lived for months. I just try to focus on my boys and move forward for them. I am just terrified this is never going to be over and I fear the time I have to face my abuser again. I shake just thinking about it and feel like this is holding me back from moving forward.

I want to see him punished for what he has done, but does is make me weak that I want to just drop charges so it can all just be over?

So I know this was a lot and any helpful tips are welcomed.
Moveon3511 Moveon3511
3 Responses Dec 11, 2012

Just as I anticipated.. A grievous error as the person has taken advantage of your vulnerability. Just don't waste your time or get involved in seeing him punished etc. Do ward your children in any residential school if any... don't bring in a stranger into their life any more..

Thank you

Will I always be alone now tho? What happens when they are grown and gone? Will I ever be able to love and trust someone again?

I know what you're dealing with and have dealt with and don't even know where to start but I WILL tell you PLEASE don't drop the charges or it will be like you said there will be number 8, 9....until one woman has the COURAGE to stand up to this man and put a stop to him he will continue to roam and make more and more victims. I know you are hurting both from your husband's passing and from what this man did to you but PLEASE stay strong and allow your family to be there and support you. Keep your boys safe and if you have to maybe do witness protection. If you want to talk, please feel free to message me.

Thank you...courage isn't a word I associate with myself often and I thank you for seeing that in me and my current situation. I have protective orders against him as well as his mother and sister and with my family support and the amount of legal attention he is facing I am physically safe for now. New to this site so I'm not so sure how to message individually yet, but would appreciate someone to talk to. It's hard to talk to my family even as supportive as they are. Someone that understands what have been thru is easier. My family looks at me like I'm broken, I see the hurt talking to me causes them in their eyes. They love me and try to hide it, but I want to protect them from knowing all of the horrors I've been thru. How could they ever look at me the same, you know? Anyways, I am staying strong and am not going to drop the charges. I have been threatened by his family of what they will say and do if I don't but nothing they can say makes what he did to me and others ok......
Thank you.....

Wow! You are so brave to share your nightmare. Don't be too hard on yourself for still having feelings for him. I'm sure he had a sweet and wonderful side and that is the side you tend to remember and cling to. I think you are doing the right thing by testifying against him. If you were in California, it would not be your choice to press charges. It would just happen...

He needs to be punished; he needs professional help; he needs to know that he can no longer get away with treating a woman the way he is known to. And in my opinion, he needs at least one good sodomizing.

Don't fool yourself. You don't KNOW that dropping charges would mean it is over. In fact you likely know that it wouldn't be. He's a sicko and unpredictable and he may come after you again and do worse damage. Doing all the stuff with the police shows strength on your part. It's not fun to deal with all that and it takes a strong person to go through with it. You know you are strong but he has messed with your head so you've probably forgotten just how damned formidable a force you truly are.

Get some therapy if you can, read some books that will help your self esteem. Find some resources on the internet that will help you heal from being with this sicko. I've done some reading about ending relationships with psychopaths and I know during my own (current) healing of a broken heart from finally leaving (what I believe to be a psycho), it helps to hear other people's stories. It helps to know you are not alone.

Tell yourself every day how wonderful you are. Tell yourself "I love you 'your name here'. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Consider journaling to track your daily thoughts. Look to the internet for articles to stop obsessing over this person (if you are). You know, thinking about the good parts, etc. Find ways to keep yourself busy and heal.

You can do it, because you rock! I can tell you do. You'll get there. You are not broken. God has a plan for you and it's a great one. Oh yeah, pray, pray, pray, and have faith.

Best of luck.

Thank you for your support. I was afraid to actually say of this in black and white really but slept for over 3 hours without waking up last I think it helped. Your advice is very helpful. I need to start trying to help myself more rather than hiding from everything. This was my beginning to that. The detectives and the DA reassure me constantly I am doing the right thing, they believe him to be a "psycho" as well. They believe he would come after me again and continue doing this to countless victims. I am praying to stay strong daily and face his evil to protect myself and children and be able to move forward. I think I fear also tho that I will never truly move on. How will I ever trust someone again? I feel so stupid for loving someone that everyone else warned me was no good and I saw good in him at first. I have just never been so wrong about someone before and it causes me to question my judgement about almost everything these days. I plan to research, read, reach and out and pray and just hope that is enough for now to help me thru this. I really appreciate your comments, it helps me feel better and to know others out there have been thru similar things and have been strong. He is due to reappear in court on Dec. 20th, so I will know more then.....fingers crossed.
Thank you