Lost Feathers

I am a survivor of sexual abuse.
I have a story of my own to tell.
I have kept it secretive most of my life, due to supression/depression and fear.
I did not want my family to know.
I was raped by a family member not much older than me.I was afraid, if anyone in my family found out, they would not believe me. Especially after the abuse I was through in foster care. i did not want to go back into foster care again, so i refused to tell my story, until now.
I went through alot of emotional and mental abuse while in the governments foster care system. I kept the problem deep inside. I was released back into my mothers care. There was alot of drinking going on back then, my sibling lived with her beau at home as well, so it never helped my situation. I thought I would not have anyone to listen. My anger grew against society. Especially those who degraded and did not know me finding labelling was wrongful unless thv walked in my shoes to listen to my story for at least a few mins to really hear it and find out who I really am. I didn't bother to say anything to anyone bc there was so much drama and grief and heartless people in the world,  there was thoughts of suicide, attempted suicide, i thought whod want to listen to what i have to say, so i carried on living with the hurt and pain i carriedwith me for a lifetime, never saying a word to anyone about it, trying to pretend it never occurred.
Then there came times of family gatherings. it was the worst feelings i ever felt being in the same room as him. I refused any further family visits since a grandparent passed i was close to. I became a sex addict. i couldnt care less who i hurt along the journey building my hate and burying myself behind the walls i built not realizing i was only hurting myself continuing to push the ones i truly loved away carrying grief i was all to familiar with since my childhood. I continued to stay numb. i abused my physical health by partying. it only made me hurt more, feeling more lost. I lost freinds I once trusted and loved and cared about. i got involved with abusive partners and blamed them, when I had part in it. It was an easy excuse to blame sombody and not try to live a norm life with a true love, like I said I pushed away all to often. Much like a trademark I left behind when I gotten myself too involved. Now I regret being alone after all, its all I knew. I didn't know who to turn to or where to go for the help without being labelled, degraded or judged or facing a court system I refused to face when I felt there wasnt much the justice can really do.
Today, I have gotten supports finally in reach, re-learnng to trust, trying to learn to forgive, chosing to surround myself with those who are caring, positive and supportive. I hadnt touched drugs or partied for many many yrs and dont have an urge to. I have gotten involved with school and studies that interest me. I want a positive life to leave this world knowing i tried to share my story although theres so much more to it then what your reading, so much more i wish to share. Time is short. Life is shorter.
trinity11 trinity11
36-40
1 Response Dec 12, 2012

glad you got were you are today