I Stand Alone to Make the Best From the Worst

 there's nothing i can say here that's gonna make the life Ive lead ,the things Ive done or had done, intentionally or by mistake, change.

 not complaining but it just made me think when i saw this and thought of some of the things that made me who i am. the things that came immediately to mind were the things i did to my self, the brain washings i received as a child, fights and suicides, drug buddies that arnt here any more, sobering up and the loss of friends and family

 but i wasn't sad or hurt, not any more than i am on any other day.. what it made me think  was of how strong i am. who Ive become and how loud i am in all the things i strive to stop, and how much i care for those who cant defend themselves from things i have seen or been threw and the ones i will protect from idiots that don't think, dont care, want to hurt, wipe away, change, distort the truth, walk blindly off cliffs and drag others with them....

 I'm a hard man, not my words,its what I'm told, but i am also told that i wont be forgotten when the people i know need something. Ive been there, Ive been threw the fire, i have scars, emotional and physical, i am broken in may ways... but what i hear most is:

 " you are what a fighter in this life is, you are my hero"

 " i don't believe the attitude you have, id be full of hate and rage"

 " if any one but you were to tell me they were gonna kick my *** id take it as a threat, but from you its a compliment"

 and the one that makes me know i need to keep up my way of life threw it all

 " for all you are, for all you were, for all you will be to others, its the love you have even when your screaming to burn the place down and throwing bricks, that set you apart, its not a show, you are real and thank you for teaching me to have no fear"

 of course all that makes me uncomfortable, i don't take compliments the way i should. but i do love everyone that i come across, from the people i ream for telling a person that there sexual preference is wrong in"gods eyes", to the people i tattoo, the exs that cheated , and the women that got away, the people that tried to kill me and the ones that still are....

 and its hard for me to to do it but the men who tried to cut my time short on this mud ball have my best wishes...grrr

 i hope this makes sense

the atrocities Ive seen and layed on people, the ones i couldn't stop, the loss of dear friends and the hate and stupidity i take to protect others is all worth it when i look into the eyes of some special little people pure and innocent and would do it for all eternity if it meant there unending happiness

 i am a front line trooper  in the fight to make this place better and i do it on my terms alone, and i do it gladly

alsorolo alsorolo
36-40, M
3 Responses Aug 6, 2009

its odd to think about that... i mean every expeiriance can be viewed either as a negitive , a positve, or a s just as it is... i try not to look at anything other than take it as it is... it seems that looking to deeply into why something just makes it worse or to prolong it and tends to keep it around and take away from the moment at hand that maybe isnt as bad or is perhaps a pleasant experiance in hiding...or takes one away from the experiance all together rather than embracing it and finding that even in the worst of times there is still the knowledge that i know pleasure, i know pain. and move on and keep in the now. not that the now is better or worse, its just the now this is where i am am so this is what im meant to experiance. the same could be said for the more pleasurable experiance recently, i dont just mean the sexual or the fun... its as simple as a odd as it sounds a good pee, a fine drag of the cigerette in the morning, the feeling after a hearty belly lauph or even the burn of a nice pepper on the tongue, the craving of some ones touch( that i'll have to explain better, " i know all about the suffering that comes from wanting ")... all of theses things are seen by different people as either good or bad or neither.... but they are and they each have greatness and are meant to be cherished... even the knife in the back is meant to be kissed

This is a powerful piece, boy, conceived from pain but born through strength. your attitude, deep level of acceptance, and ability to embrace the painful experiences you've endured are qualities to which I relate, and what distinguishes the survivors from the victims. you, sweet one, are definitely the former. <br />
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It's fascinating to Me that you're also Buddhist -- I can't tell you how many survivors I've met who embrace those beliefs. While not a Buddhist Myself, the concepts of Karma, Dharma, and reincarnation are as close a spiritual fit as I've found. How has Buddhism affected your attitude about the negative experiences you've come through?

Thank you.