It Scars Your Soul .

I am reading a book right now , a memoir about a sexual abuse as a child and maybe I;m not as over mine as I thought I was .
I have no doubt life would have led me down a different path if the abuse hadn't happened ..  
I don't hate my abuser , he was barely an adult and I feel he actually believed it was loving acts . He was 17 and my mum's best mate's son and I was 8 .
My dad had just left and my mum was either at work or " dating " a new man .I was very starved of attention at that time and the perfect victim for an abuser .
 Simon was often left to baby sit me when our parent's were out partying . It started by him showering me with more attention then my siblings , giving me secret treats , telling me I was special ( this is called grooming ) . The sitting on his lap whilst watching TV started it all , his hands wandering and him whispering in my ear he was doing this because he loved me ( bear in mind my parents were abusive and never showed us affection ) so I never questioned it . It then esculated to me touching him as well , him '' teaching '' me things and up until this point it didn't really hurt and would ask me if I liked it and at times I did . I also wasn't scared at this point . This gentle sexual grooming took place over a few weeks and I thought it was how people showed love . It was all okay for a while . confusing but okay , that was about to change .
I was being baby sat again but my siblings were else where , I was laying in bed when he came in climbing in with me . He started the usual groping which had never moved to any kind of penetration before this . He undressed me and himself , he turned on the light . He then started to perform oral sex on me which I didn't like and told him to stop . He did but his face grew angry ( it was the first time I had objected ) , I felt bad I angered him and said sorry ( I know it's crazy ) . He changed in that moment , became agressive . It was then he penetrated me , with fingers at first , it hurt I was crying but was to scared to ask him to stop . Trying to push my legs together to stop him and he did I felt relieved it was over , how wrong was I . He climbed on top of me and tried to insert his penis in me , couldn't so he smothered my vagina in cream and tried again . He succeeded the pain was bad , I was crying and begged him to stop . He wouldn't and i couldn't understand why loving simon wanted to hurt me . He finished and I was never the same again , that one act lost my innocence and my soul started to die .
It went on for a while after that ( loving simon never returned either , just the brutal simon who hurt me ) until he moved away but although I never told my mum I used to beg her not to leave me with him and she didn't listen . I never did understand why she never asked her distraught child why I didn't want to be with him or why I went from a happy kid to a withdrawn , angry child over night . I will never full forgive her for not seeing the obvious and protecting me .
This book has brought up many feelings that I now realise I need to address to become the best adult I can be .

certifiable certifiable
70+, F
2 Responses Sep 25, 2012

God bless you, dear...

Wow. I really hate parents, yes HATE parents that neglect their children in this way. Neglect of any sort is really unacceptable but this type of neglect really gets my goat.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope your recovery goes well. The memories will never go away but it will get better. You are a strong person and I know you can do it. You've come this far without really trying, that says something. When you actually consciously decide to change yourself for the better wonderful things begin to happen.

If you ever need anyone to talk to or dump on, I am always here. You know where to find me. :-)