Sometimes I Wish They Never Found Me

I tried to die when I was 17 now I am 27 and am divorced with three kids living a lone struggling to make it. While I love my kids (my only reason for living) I get pissed when I see how my life is and how I am struggling I have been working my *** of in school and work and I never get a head. and I wonder why did they have to save me when my life is crappy. I slit my wrist obviously I sucked at it, Im still a cutter but I have to do it on my legs so no one will see, I have thought about dying but where would that leave my babies, I cant do that to them
jeng7623 jeng7623
26-30, F
3 Responses Nov 26, 2012

There are a lot of financial insecurities nowadays. Joblessness is high, salaries are paid late, inflation is grueling (increased prices of household items from a to z) and much more. It is really really hard to manage specially for the middle and lower classes. I understand when you don't have a male supported, like your husband, things get devastating specially when trying to meet day-to-day expenses. A friend of mine, male, committed suicide by hanging himself. Till today I remember him and regret the thought that why wasn't I there to help him. I would surely like to help you if you share with me you troubles.

Thanks for your response. I really dont even know where to start, as far as talking to someone I have tried to talk to my best friend she is the one who told my parents that she thought I was going to take my life and they came home. but I cant bring myself to talk to her anymore. I think a therapist would help me get it all out the only problem is the cost, once I do get in a place where I can afford one it will be first on my to do list. I dont want my kids to go through what I go through. I may take you up on your offer if I ever need to talk thanks.

The places here are based on your income. You might try calling about that. I think it was $15 for my initial session and it's been $10 since. Really not that, and in some cases it is even lower. I know it's hard and it is even harder to find the time off work, but working on you is important because YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

It's not easy starting over. It's not easy being this "old" and not feeling like you have gotten any where. I know the feelings all to well. You may want to seek help with the cutting. You don't want to pass those thoughts and actions on to your children. It's not an easy road, I know because I travel daily. You can do it. You are worth it. When I have my bad days, no one can say anything to get through to me I am worth the air I am breathing. When I have good days, I don't need the reminder. The one thing that does keep me here is the thoughts of who would look after my children. Who would love them as I do? What kind of stories would they hear about why I wasn't here? And worse, would they think it was there fault? I started seeing a therapist about a 3 years ago. I started going 3 times a week (I have family who don't think it's worth the time, money, and "inconvenience" or I would have gone more). I now see her about once a month, or more often if I need her. I am not on drugs because I did not want to be the zombie it would take to get the meds adjust. Not that there is any thing wrong with them, but my children are all under 10 and 3 are under 5 so it's not a possibility for me. Sometimes talking about things helped sometimes it didn't. I found this time last month. I have found more closure putting things out here then I have any where. Maybe it's because I don't feel judged? The point is, find an outlet. Don't let these thoughts control your life. If you ever want to talk I am here. I am not license, but I am a mom. I have been divorced 2 desperate times, and I have my own failed attempts. So I get where you are coming from.