Lost

A couple years ago I finally got away from an abusive home environment. It took me about a year to realize I wasn't still in that situation. To adjust to having a place to sleep at night and a parent actually acts like a parent. It took another year to learn I had PTSD and to get help and to work threw it. And now I'm lost. I don't know where to go next or what to do. I still have issues because of everything I've been threw. I have issues feeling comfortable around people. I have become very withdrawn, not even talking to my close friends and family. This is a huge problem as well as my lack of motivation. I'm just stumped. I don't fully know why I am having these issues, although I have a few guesses. And I am even more lost on how to address them.
mmollen09 mmollen09
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 12, 2012

I had a similar experience. It lasted for 2 years and when I finally got out of it, I felt similar to what you described. It still felt like I was living in the same situation, I couldn't talk to anybody or make friends, and 9 months later I realized I had PTSD (which was horrible and felt paralyzing at times). It's still rough for me at times, but I think the one thing that has been really helping me is doing some soul-searching and working my balls off so I can still achieve what I want in the future and hopefully make the world a better place. I felt like my soul was almost dead because emotionally, I had to go into a catatonic state, so I'd look for things that moved me to get out of those dark places. Personally, some of those things were watching/listening to performances of Mahler Symphony 2 'Resurrection' (try looking it up on youtube, the translation is so beautiful, I couldn't stop crying when I was watching - it's like the answers to all of life's questions are there), Gordon Ramsay lol, or reading about French painters and looking at their paintings. Try looking up or doing the things that interest you. What music do you like? Do you like art? Reading? History? These are just ideas.

The other aspect of getting better was just trying to feel comfortable in my own skin again and realizing that I am alive in the present. I know this sounds so obvious and like a no brainer, but to really understand what that means and to live by it, rather than being dead in the present because you haven't moved on from the past. I felt so paralyzed and afraid that I wasn't truly trying to live in the moment, even through it felt like I was giving my all. It just wasn't in the right way. Instead, I was just going through the motions. That might help with your motivation, if you can differentiate doing simple actions and truly building/accomplishing.

Having at least one close person is very important too. Try writing an email about your day to them. When you write, you get the chance to get your thoughts out one at a time and in depth. By the time you finish writing it, you'll probably understand your emotions/state of mind/thoughts better.

It may still suck now, but the thing is, you're not where you were a year ago. That's the important part. You still have a future, the rest of your life ahead of you. That's a pretty amazing/exciting/beautiful thing I think. Where do you want to be in 10 years? How are you going to get there? Keep being strong and fighting through it. Hope you get better.