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Help. Confused And Lonley

I found out I was pregnant yesterday and im 17 years old I'm only one month in. My boyfriend who I have been with is 19 and is doing an apprenticeship. He wants me to have an abortion and I'm strongly against that. He said he will leave me if I don't, it's either him or the baby... He is a jerk anyway though who hits me and threatened to kill me before. I have one more year of school before college and I don't know what to do. I already love my little bub but Im scared it's going to be so hard to raise by myself and I don't want to fail at it. Any advice please or what are your thoughts?
Crystal37 Crystal37 16-17, F 41 Responses Nov 15, 2012

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You've obviously got a lot of feedback already. I hope you get around to reading this one.

1. If you can possibly do it, I encourage you to have the baby. If you do, I also urge you to take the Bradley Method birthing class - it is awesome and will give you a lot of insight on the process.

2. Consider adoption: aside from deciding whether to have the baby, considering adoption is probably the hardest thing you'll do unless you have a viable plan to raise the child. Still it would be a wonderful and loving sacrifice to give your baby a chance to succeed and thrive while not trampling your own future.

3. No matter how difficult, embarrassing, heart-wrenching etc this situation is, things don't happen by accident, even "accidents"(?!). This experience is an amazing chance for you to rise to the occasion, wake up your innate God-given strength, wisdom, and compassion and find a noble path forward that will make everyone proud of you and bring you and them to tears of joy and admiration.

4. I seriously think you should dump the guy, but, in light of #3, you never know what he may learn from your courage and determination.

5. I strongly urge you to take the advice of those commenters who pointed you to people or organizations who can provide advice support and guidance. Some of these people have the experience and skills to help you manage the many emotions and decisions you'll be dealing with.

6. Despite anything I said here, the choice is truly yours. Make it wisely. But remember that no one knows what wisely will end up being for you.

I feel for you and wish you the best.

You haven't mentioned your mum or dad. Hopefully you have a supportive family and friends that can help you. You need to talk things through with them. This shouldn't be something that you should be coping with all alone.

my mother is very supportive my father does not know yet but most deffinantly disown me

You will know your father better than anyone. I do recommend that you tell him and don't take everything to heart that he says initially. Sometime people need time to calm down and later regret what they say. I would hate to find out later that my daughter was dealing with a pregnancy and was too scared to tell me. As a parent I want the best for my kids and to be there for them when they need me. I hope your father supports you.

im goin to write u a message cuz there are to many people on here judgein u and u dont need that and im here to talk if u need someone to talk to

It sounds like you are in a tough situation and there is no advice i can give you directly concerning your situation, but I will say this. There is no easy way out of your situation, whatever decision you make will affect your life in a major way.

I wish there was more that I could say but this is your decision to make and you must live with the consequences of that decision for the rest of your life. I wish you luck with your situation and I hope that you make the best decision for both you and your baby.

You need to weigh the pros and cons of all your options. There have been teenage single mothers who have been able to raise their babies successfully but you need to understand that such a road is extremely difficult. What you don't understand just yet is that you will try to be the main caregiver for a long time, and then you will come to your family, who will undoubtedly help you. Your family has not asked for another baby, and sound as harsh as it may, it is not fair to put that responsibility on them. As for you, there is a long life ahead of you, a baby will not make a strong education possible and you need to think about what is truly important. According to your beliefs, abortion doesn't seem to be a solution, but it seems to me that keeping it will harm the baby as well as you. I agree with some of the people on this post which recommend you consider the possibility of adoption for there are tons of parents out there with stable incomes and able situations to support your baby and allow it to grow to its full potential. At the end of the day, the decision is yours, but there are many factors you must consider as your choice will affect not only you, but the baby as well.

Wish you well <3

I don't mean to be nasty or mean but there are FAR TOO MANY unplanned and unwanted babies in the world - go to Africa and just see what's going on there. I would think myself rather realistic than nasty. To bring another baby in this overpopulated and uncaring world is just plain stupid if you are not in a position to care and look after it yourself and not depend on either the government or parents for help. It almost seem as though everyone is just too scared to tell this girl straight what she did by not using contraceptives is just plain stupid, especially she still having to complete her schooling. Yes, she is not the first neither will she be the last to be in that position, there are enough information out all over the place for youngsters not to fall pregnant - nobody can say they don't know. As for half the responsibility being the Boy's, think again - NOBODY is suppose to look after another's body but that person herself and most men really don't care.

I don't know if you read the line directly under the box where you typed your comment but it says:
Please respond with authenticity, support, and respect

I can't say anything about authenticity but your comment doesn't have anything remotely resembling support or respect.

There are plenty of people that say these kinds of things to her every day but it is not what this group is about. If you don't have anything to say that is supportive and respectful then rather don't say anything at all.

hear hear

thank you daviejohnson. as for noekie people are too scared to tell me i should use contreceptives? well guess what i was on the pill and took it everyday at the same time.. thats a 99.9% chance you wont get pregnant.. but i got that0.01% chance and ta da.. im keeping the baby and raising it myself because everything happens for a reason and god clearly decided this was part of my life journey.

Thank you! You sum it up. Nice job

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I would strongly suggest thinking about finding a wonderful family to adopt the baby. It sounds like you would really like to finish school and continue to college, which would be nearly impossible with a baby and no support system. There will come another time in your life when you are in a position to raise a family, but this is not it. You sound like you will be a fine mother, some day. But first you need to make your life. There are many wonderful people out there who would be ecstatic to love your baby. Please seriously consider this option. Love is not always enough by itself.

First off, ignore the rude and harsh comments, they are NOT what you need right now. Realize that you are NOT the first, nor will you be the last person in this type of situation.
This is something that you should definitely talk over with a trusted adult, someone that cares about you and your best interest, but ALSO someone who will not judge you. If you don't know anyone personally, there are hotlines and counselors EVERYWHERE.

You DON'T NEED* his support, but it will be EXTREMELY HARD, and you should weigh all possible options. I am doing it alone, and this road is the opposite of easy, but I love my child, and I have no regrets. It is your choice, no one else's and if he behaves violently you should press charges. I would keep my distance from him until you have this situation figured out, because he negativity is unneeded.

I'm praying for you!

I believe that adoption is a good alternative if you don't have the means to raise this baby and abortion is not an option for you. Consider what you can do for your child vs. how happy he/she would be if adopted; remember that adopted children live full, rich lives. There are many adoption choices, too: you can choose never to meet the adoptive parents (never revealing any contact information), or to remain in contact with them.

But, you MUST -- absolutely MUST -- talk to people in your life (your parents, or find a social worker if you want an adult that won't judge you) before you make your decision. In the end, the decision is yours, but show your family you love and trust them by listening to and fully considering their advice.

I really feel for you and your situation. I don't know what answer to give you, but hope and pray that you will find way to get through this. The boyfriend definitely sounds like somebody to get out of your life, though. I've been with my wife for over 12 years, and if I ever raised a hand against her, I would feel I had lost it and was not qualified to share her life anymore. Please take care and be well.

It is the GIRLS responsibility to make sure she don't fall pregnant - you should've known from the word go that you should not fall pregnant until you completed your education. YOU yourself are responsible for your body - look after it and don't think with that you can keep a man. My advice would be to get an abortion and forget about the whole mess - because that is what it is. Why put more problems in your family's way and then want to cry about it???

First off, It is half the mans responsibility to get protection. Your advice to this girl to murder another baby makes me sick. Your entire message was mean and of no use to this girl. She needs some real answers and help and not some nasty troll/hater coming on here to make her feel worse. There are far too many nasty people like you in this world.

Always know that God will not let you endure something we can't bare. We are stronger than we think.You love that baby and developed a bond with it, so abortion is NOT a option for you, so don't go that route.There are a lot of programs and help for single moms now, so do some research, ask some questions!!!!. This is your body and your baby, so don't let no one make up your mind for you. It will be a struggle if you decide to keep your baby, but who ever said life is easy.If you want a good life for you and your baby, you have to start right now and start working hard for it because your dreams is still out there, you just have to take a detour and go down a different road to get it. My final advice is when you find a man who will put his hand on you and hurt you, leave him because he will not change and the longer you stay with him the worst it will get for you and harder and harder to leave. Take care of yourself and your new life.

Thank you for a caring, wise, compassionate comment. I especially agree with the advise to leave this coward who hits you and hurts you. Trust me, he will not change. Any male that hurts a female is a coward and this jerk is not worth another minute of your time. There is help out there for you to help you get through this difficult period. God Bless, John

In the UK it wouldn't be classed as statutory rape. And I don't think these comments condemning actions or thoughts are particularly helpful. Sure, share your opinion- but don't do it in a derogatory manner.

first off, your 'boyfriend' can be charged with 'statutory rape', since you're under 18...might want to give it a thought. since he likes to hit women already, you might as well hit back with the law. i have no respect for useless cowards who like to hit females! if you're ever desperate enough to be near him, again, and he puts his hands on you-have him arrested for assault and battery. since his mama and daddy didn't teach him how to be a man, maybe some 'quiet time with other violent, coward predators' will give him some introspect.

secondly, you already know you're much too young to be having a child. right now, you have 3 choices...abortion, adoption, or keeping the baby and ruining your life the rest of the way.

to be perfectly honest...how many 'successful' teen parents do you know? by successful, i mean they've graduated/will be graduating high school, they've gone on to further their education, so they can get a good job, they're working their own job and earning sustainable wages, they're paying their own way in this world, they're paying for the care of their own child-without the help of family members...less than zero??? (remember, your parents have already raised THEIR children, do you think they really want to/can afford to raise any more?)

i'd have to say your best options would be adoption or having an abortion (personally, i prefer the adoption route). you're still very young. graduating high school and going on to further education should be your first priorities. you also have plenty of time to meet 'mr. right', and he won't put his hands on you!

one thing you will learn, down the road and when it comes right down to it, no one will take care of you except you, so you have to make sure you're prepared to support yourself, before you can think about supporting a child.

good luck to you.

Hi crystal 37. I don't think you should kill your baby. Go to the hospital postpartum look at the wall. No name no shame . There are a lot of people can have baby they spend a lot of money to have just one child . Some who need baby well love your baby give more what they can. Baby is gods gift find good parent for your baby.

You went along with him without seeking others' opinions.
So, go ahead the same way.
Just Your way - You would find peace in it, whatever it may be.
__/|__

Hi Crystal,

You can't do it alone. To be successful you will need lots of family support. I recommend you considder the abortion route unless you have parents or someone to help you with child care.

I'm for a woman's wright to choose... Choose carefully.

Good luck

I'm 17, last year (when I was 16) I got pregnant. Conception 3rd of December. Went to the clinic to 'talk about my options' on the 28th December. I was only given info on the different types of abortion. January 9th I took a day off 6th form and went to hospital to take the termination pill. January 11th I was admitted to hospital for the day, where I had to call a nurse every time I went to the loo, so they could check for the foetus. I asked what would happen to the 'baby' (though thy didn't call it that). I was told it would be incinerated with the other 'contaminated waste'. 15th of September is when my baby would most likely have been born. The father claimed he was infertile and was too embarrassed to speak to me. In retrospect, it was the right think for me- I've now got a steady job and decent social life. The baby would have ended my schooling and made me estranged from my family.
But I've only recently (this week) realised why it is taking me so long to let go. I just wanted one person to tell me to keep my unborn baby. People were telling me to short it or to 'do what I thought best' never to keep it. Even though I know it was probably for best, if I could go back I would never have had an abortion.
If the only/main reason you'd get an abortion is for the father, then don't. It will eventually drive you apart. You'll resent him for 'making' you get the abortion, and he'll resent you for that. If you have people to support you, and you have ANY doubt- keep your baby. I'm not anti-abortion, or religious in any way really. But I'm pro-choice. Do what you want. Not what you need, what you want. If you do what you need, and it's not the same as what you want, it will destroy you. Give it plenty of thought, and talk to someone other than a nurse at a clinic- you need to find out the choices you have to continue with the pregnancy, not just the reasons to end it.
But, and this is important- this is just my opinion, based in just my experience. You need to decide for you. Don't do it for someone else, it will drive you apart.
If you want to talk more, I'm happy to chat, or anything you need.
Love, a friend.

thank you so very much. you have a lovely heart x

Follow your heart! The fact that you have taken a stand for your child is a big thing and kudos to you. The Good Lord will take care of you and you will always find a way to raise your baby and yourself in a healthy, happy way. There is a God in everyone but not everyone chooses to accept to listen.
Whether you decide to keep your baby or find loving parents, noone will judge you if you have faith in yourself and your choice.
God bless you and take care of yourself.

your too young to have a baby! but i cant tell you to get an abortion cause its killing,you were seposed to be smarter. if he doesnt want to have a baby you should leave him,but watch TEEN MOM and youll get some experience from that program.

And you're boyfriend? He's a guy, and guys want to "fix" everything. He sees this pregnancy as a problem that needs to be resolved, and he sees that it's caused both of you a lot of stress, so to him, the natural solution to this "problem" would be to get rid of the baby.

Except this isn't a problem you can fix. You, the mom, have a special and beautiful connection to this growing being inside of you that he'll never understand unless he loved you more than himself. And unfortunately most guys are pretty much self-centered at this age. It's difficult for boys to put another persons' needs before their own. But if they do, they are a true man. :)

Is your boyfriend a man? He doesn't sound like one. If he throws hissy fits and hits and threatens you that's definitely an indicator that he doesn't respect you as a woman and is very insecure in himself. The fact that he wants you to get an abortion proves that he's not ready to be a man and assume responsibility for his actions. He's too self-centered, there's not enough room for you in the picture of his life. My suggestion would be to leave him as soon as you can. Find support.

What does your heart tell you? It's usually right. (btw, "your heart" does not equal "your feelings." It means "what you truly know to be true, deep down.")

My parents had a kid before they were married and gave her up for adoption. It was the hardest decision they've ever had to make, and they loved that little baby girl with all their hearts. That's why they gave her away to someone who would love and care for their baby like she was their (the other couple) own.

21 years later, we all met her, and she was so beautiful and happy. She looks just like me (I'm her sister) and we all are friends. My parents don't regret the decision to give her up, and Molly (her name) is happy they did, and cares for them (my parents) as well as her own.

I have a friend who was impregnated by a big jerk who treats her like she's not worth love and respect, and she had a little boy. She chose to raise the boy on her own, and Aiden is two now. She's happy she kept him, it gives her focus as a mother and in life. He's a gorgeous and rambunctious 2 year old...but she lives at home with her parents at age 24. She needs help raising her child, as it's near impossible to do on her own. She loves him, but she's very very tired all the time. The father is not involved.

I hope this helped. I will let you know that if you give the child up for adoption, it'll be hard, but you'll be giving your child a loving and stable home (the adoption processing of couples is very extensive) for them to grow up in and thrive. If you choose to keep the child, it'll be much harder because motherhood is a full-time job. There will be months of no adequate sleep, you have to pay money for diapers, formula, daycare/babysitters, medication and doctor visits/etc. Not to mention the emotional trauma and pain of rebellion (just think about yourself with YOUR parents, we all rebel against them)...you have to sacrifice a lot. Most mothers say it's worth it though.

Don't feel bad, what's done is done. It's not our past that defines us, it's how we deal with our past that defines us. You're not a bad mom no matter what decision you make, because you already love your "little bub." :)

God bless you sweetheart, good luck. <3

Crystal,

You MUST do what YOU feel is right! Being a parent isn't easy and being a single parent, is bound to be challenging - but if after talking things through with people you trust and your doctor, you still feel that you want to have your baby - be strong be brave and go for it.

As long as you feel able to ask for help and support when you and your child need it - you will not fail.

PLEASE just decide for yourself what you REALLY feel before you decide one way or the other. Try and get some unbiased counciling if you can - this will help you explore your feelings and options in a structured, safe, way. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the VERY best! I may be a man but I trained and have worked as a nursery nurse - so if ever you want to chat - you know where to find me.

Take good care,

S

get rid of the loser guy --- surround yourself with those who love you and will be there with love and support... and finally tell yourself -- over and over and over -- that failure is not an option.... life is all about the choices we make each day... it's easy to get overwhelmed... so today what choice can you make to make a better life for you and your baby? there is all kinds of help out there for unwed mothers.. don't be to proud to accept a helping hand -- and than later on in your life --- be the one to lend a helping hand.. yes you are going to miss out on all sorts of 'fun' things for a girl your age... but you are creating a brand new human being... yes it's hard at times.... you are going to have sleepless days and nites.... tantrums -- hard work -- worries... but oh the joy of raising a beautiful -- caring -- kind - funny - loving - smart person.. it's not something to take lightly ... but it is a grand adventure... and the love oh --sweet baby smell - hugs - giggles - their pride when they achieve something for the very 1st time all on their own.. it's amazing... i love my hubby -- but i would die or kill for my child.. each day as choices presented themselves to me -- i weighed in my soul - how will my choice affect my raising my child?? and now i have a wonderful 20 yr old son that i am so glad i kept. and raised.. it turned my whole life around... i pray that your journey is the right one for you... good luck in life

Sorry, I meant jail bait...

Hi Crystal, you do not mention parents. Do they know you passed a pregnancy test? If so, how are they taking the news? As for your baby, you have already decided abortion is not an option...don't let anyone change your mind. You still have options. You can keep and raise this child or you can make him or her available for adoption. If you have a supportive family that will accept and love this child, the answer is easy.
BTW, You said the BF is 19 (an adult) and you are 17 (a minor/jail bate.) In many places, a minor can not consent to sex with an adult. Unless the laws are different where you live, the BF could go to prison for statutory rape. Good luck!!

where i live, its legal.. he has been living with myself and my mother for nearly two years.. my mother knows about the preganancy but my father does not as he would immediately disown me.. my mother is shocked and doesnt know what to think but i know she will be supportive

You are right it will be hard to raise the baby, but the rewards will FAR out way the hardships! Having an abortion is a very tough decision and one that you will regret. Please talk to someone about it before you make that choice. If this guy has even told you to have one should be enough to tell you alot about his character and it will never get better only worse especially if he is hitting you now. GET OUT of the relationship and make it about you and your baby. There is so much help out there now for people in you situation. Just seek some before you make the choice that can change you for the rest of your life. Don't be filled with regret and remorse and what if's!!

well the baby cause pls dont kill a life besides your bf doesnt sound like a nice guy

you dont deserve that jerk! i would choose the baby! boys are there for limited time but your child will be there for the rest of your life!!!!! and theirs! i have a baby girl she is 8 almost 9 months old and she is jst the greatest!!! everything will be worth it i promise you!! when that little baby holds your finger as tight as they can it will be worth it!!! i on the other hand am not doing it on my own though i will tell you there are programs out there that will help you!!! dont do the abortion!! if it totally comes down to it though do adoption! there are MANY MANY families that want babies!! i know many many mothers that are doing it on their own though and they do such a great job! if you can afford the baby and be there for the baby i dont see anything wrong with a teen mother.

Of course, it will be hard to raise your little child by yourself – it´s never easy. It will be even harder to continue education in school and college – together with raising your baby. But consider: what is greater? I am convinced that the soul of your baby has purposely chosen you to live with (I´m more or less a buddhist, and we believe this kind). Don´t disappoint it. I live in a commune, and I see quite a few small children living with us, in a great communion, and we all help each other to raise the children.

May be you can change the method of learning, for example not going to classes but by some kind of corrspondence courses, or friends who train you ..., or books, videos, special TV – there are many ways. In knew a lady who lived on board a little freighter-ship with her parents, went never to school and got educated by her mother – so it IS possible.

Enjoy your life