Pregnancy, Suicide, Self-injury, and the Whole Nine Yards
“I’m a writer, a musician, a composer, a good student, and I had plans after high school. I was going to go to college and get my major in music education and minor in creative writing. I’m also a single mom.
“The morning of the day I had planned to kill myself, I found out I was pregnant. And I'm not sure if the baby I don't even know is worth living for. And then, as if things weren’t bad enough, I couldn’t tell anyone who the father is or what happened, because “It wasn’t the fairytale first time I thought it would be.” So, to protect my dad, the heart attack patient, and my sick grandmother, I have to keep his identity secret. All this just makes my life worse. I’ve been what you would call a “cutter” for years, and obviously, suicide was on my mind. A lot. My family fought all the time, and I had no mom; just a dad who had to work all the time to support us, and a grandmother whose strokes had sent her out of her right state of mind. My brother is severely bipolar, and he makes life hell for us on a regular basis. How on earth would I raise a baby there?
“After I had the baby, I went back to my old self; sitting in a dark corner for hours on end with a blade to my arm, and wondering why I didn’t just move it to my wrist and get things over with. I had no friends I could lean on, and no one I could go to. When I finally did get back to school, mostly all I could look forward to was the taunts from fellow classmates. I’m so determined to get out of here and move on with my life, go to college and build a good foundation for me and my child to stand on, yet I want to die. How will life ever work out?”
It's very difficult to explain my story. But guess what? I'm still here. And I wanted to tell my story so badly, I wrote a book about it. I published my journal for everyone to see, put my life up on display so that I may offer hope for someone else. I don't try to put myself or my life on a pedestal or try to be high and mighty. I'm just like everyone else, except for the fact that something drove me to write. I'm not quite sure what that is, but I hope that everyone will check out my book. I don't believe trials happen for no reason. C.S. Lewis once said that a friendship is born upon hearing, "What? You, too? I thought I was the only one." And when we choose not to tell our stories, we rob someone of the opportunity to say that.
If all of you inspire just one voice, you'll be twice as loud. That's how a revolution begins, and how hope is offered. We're meant to lend our voices to the silent, to the unheard, and to the mute. Please, offer your voice to others. That's not to say that you should go out and write a book, or anything. But reach out to others. The strong find water in the hottest of deserts, and then it's their responsibility to show others the way to that water. Read my book, and give me the opportunity to say that I helped someone. The link will be posted. The book will begin being sold on Wednesday, July 1st, 2009.
Thank you, everyone who supports my efforts. I want to be living proof that adversity can be overcome, so that someone else may find water.