Trust Issues - Confession

I realize that I am in fact taking this personally, when in fact it has a great deal more to do with the other persons character.  Logically, I have separated the two, emotionally I haven't been nearly as successful.  

 

Anything I seem to do to control myself seems to be my coping mechanism, or at least one of them.  

 

People always want the same thing from me in the end and have wrongly assumed so much about me, it makes me question my ability to really trust having anyone in my life.  Although I know beyond any doubt that I seem effervescent and happy-go-lucky, nothing could possibly be further from the truth. In some sick way I almost pride myself on the fact that I haven't let any of my pain show, even to those whom I'm the closet to.  Even since I was eight, manipulation and a form physical & emotional abuse became a part of my life unbeknownst to family. My mother figured it out to a very small extent but I couldn't let her know- she was dealing with her own issues.  I think this may have made me believe that it was an "okay" way to be treated.  A bit more detail- I was extremely unattractive throughout junior high - I actually did it on purpose to some extent. Almost the moment I stepped into high school I transformed from being an ugly duckling to a object to possess and use.  I, to this day, still don't understand how anyone could see someone like that.  (this is where I'm afraid my intellect plummets & I feel so stupid)  I never did anything that a normal highschooler would do- drugs, drinking, smoking - I was and am still a complete dork but I also was vulnerable to this new "super-nice" kindness that I was being shown.  Let's just say, someone who doesn't understand the game shouldn't step into the arena.  Well, I dated very few people but learned some very hard lessons. I am A-Number-One when it comes to being used and it has just gotten worse until recently - I'm 24.   I've been in 4 relationships, 2 that were beyond that which words can describe.  The consistent factor in them all was that I stopped being myself to "serve" the other person (I know, this is my fault) hoping to gain love and kindness in return.  Boy, was I wrong.  Let's just skip to the part where I really learned that ugliness, far beyond what I ever thought I'd experience, took place.  I dated a police officer for 2 years - not what you'd expect me to date if you knew me.  He was clever- an electrical engineer from a good school, spoke 3 languages, seemed considerate, SEEMED closed to his family.  The great part about me is I SEEM to believe what I'm told - as a fool would.  To sum it up, I tried ending it after 3 months and it dragged on for two miserable years.  There were so many threats and how could I let anyone know... he was the authority and considered the "best" in his field.  He hit me a lot, sexually I was treated like an inanimate object many times against my will - if I didn't cooperate it was only a matter of time before I did.  He used that I was close to my family, the threats were not subtle and I was quick to see that I had already been used - if this is what it would take to protect them, I would.  I can't lie, these were the darkest moments I have ever experienced. The emotional manipulation was sooooo ever-present, the physical abuse always private but very painful.  I wore it like "love" on the outside so no one could see, partially because I knew he'd do something bad if others found out, partially because I was (AM) so incredibly ashamed.  About a year in I devised a plan of action and knew it was going to take a VERY long time to make as clean of an escape as possible.  It required that I become so disassociated, it's scary.  If anyone knew how sweet I truly am, how simple my thoughts are - you'd see how impossibly hard this was for me.  I had to become the ultimate actress and I HATED every moment of it but took it nonetheless.  He suffocated me throughout these two years.  I hardly had a moment to myself- truly.  I learned not to sleep in order to have time to cry alone.  He demanded for me to "hold" him after he used me so that, I suppose, he felt as if the guilt wasn't present.  I had wished him dead so many times it's indescribable.  I know, it sounds dark but if only you knew how twisted it all was.  To paint the picture as clearly as possible and I can only do this because it is text, free of my identity - he'd finish on my face, hit me and usually leave me very bloody below from both sides.  How do you hold someone after that?!  How could anyone think to treat another that way!?  I can't imagine there being any explanation to justify such heinous actions!  I would lay there like a corpse afterward but my mind would be pulsating with the most violent thoughts.  I'd remind myself of my mom and brother and their safety - so I remained still and constant in my slow removal. I must figure out a smart, safe way to remove myself from this situation- I MUST!  As passionate as my "musts" were sometimes it felt impossible - how will he ever let me go?  I gained weight in an attempt to disgust him, I lost it which seemed to work a bit better but he didn't care.  I tried to make myself into the biggest jerk possible but it was easy to see through - I just don't have it in me.  What this guy needed was something there to feed his ego, someone submissive and not very intelligent.  I still feel bad about this but I couldn't help but try my best to dangle temptation in front of him - it never worked.  Night after night, I'd still have to hold him... after all the increasingly worse physical and emotional pain.  I decided that if I was the best person I could be and let him falter thousands of times, there wouldn't be too much room to argue.  Collecting pictures/ evidence essentially to get out.  As I said, the darkest times you could imagine.  If you knew me ever you would know that I have so many things to do in life, so much to get done, create and learn - dedicating myself to this ugliness for any amount of time was unbearable and it took two years.  It nearly broke me and funny enough, it didn't really (!) hit me until I was completely in the clear.  Let's just cut to the chase and say, my plan worked.  It was the most terrifying experience ever but it worked and no one - not a single person knew what had been going on. 

I somehow managed to trust again- went out with the exact (seemingly) opposite sort of guy.  He was much more clever and bad in other ways.  I think I didn't consider certain behaviors because in all the bad I had experienced before, I hadn't experienced infidelity. Well, I can now safely say that too has been checked off on my list.   He kept saying he was busy with work, physically used me, and went back to work (corporate lawyer).  I'd bring him things I made to the city where he lived and drop them off at his place while he wasn't there.  He'd never thanked me, he expected this treatment... that should ring some alarms, right?  All of that should?  Nah, not for me!   I mean, it crossed my mind but I, being wonderful ol' me thought... I was being too judgmental and that I should believe him.  

 

I have trust issues now- to say the least.  No one knows this about me but as I said, this wonderful i.d. free text isn't as intimidating, so here goes my confession.  I want (ed) more than anything to be loved as me, for my sweetness, my silliness, sincerity.  I want to be in someone's arms that wants to protect me, someone that I can trust, who respects my space and my endeavors, someone I don't have to "perform" for - a teammate.  I want to (eventually) be a family so bad - I'd want to protect them from as much as I could, love them entirely - this sounds so selfish but I want to undo that which has  been done. ( How foolish is that... that I still believe in a true marriage and family after all this!?  As I said, I'm obviously not that smart!) 

I'd die a million deaths if anyone knew this.  See, I'm expected to be this tower of strength, someone who doesn't cry, the one who takes care of everything.  I'm EXHAUSTED!  I'm tired of being strong.   I was with someone recently that for a flicker of a moment I felt as if this was tangible but then realized that I was believing in the "seemingly" part.  I've already put on my running shoes, my walls are bounding towards the sky, I am working harder than ever (17- 18 hour days - until I collapse) so that I can hide away from everybody.  I am acting okay with the treatment but I am scrambling to build cover - hoping by the time anyone notices I'll be long gone.  I know my life is going to be lonely if I succeed but I just don't see any other way.  How can it be any different if I can't trust?  I'm trying to but I've already wasted so much of my precious time trusting the worst sorts of people.  How could one experience so much and still be naive?  How could anyone truly experience pain and wish it upon another - I don't get it.  I think I just ought to be the best person I can be, treat everybody kindly but realize that loneliness is an inevitability indeed.

 

In truth, I don't know why I wrote this and I feel as if I've just wasted a load of your time - I'm sorry.  I think I just needed to get it out. 

 

Thank you

unveiled13 unveiled13
22-25, F
May 6, 2012