Smile Thru The Dark

I dont know where to begin my body has been thru soo much.

When I was 14, I was hanging out with this guy he was about 18. He would regularly pick me and my friends up and drive us around and pay for it all. He had a friend and we would sometimes split up and go in two seperate cars. Usually his friend would take me home but this time he had his friend take everyone home but me. He told me he had to stop at his house to do something. When we got there he told me to come in because it might take awhile. I refused for awhile but eventually agreed to it. He told me to go sit on his bed and wait so I did. About 5 minutes later he comes in and locks the door. I was confused at that point. He pushes me back and starts dry humping me. Im begging him to stop but am told to shut up so I dont wake up the rest of the house. After enough begging and pleading and pushing him away and an hour of fighting him off he finally agreed to take me home. I deleted his number out of my phone, never talked to him again, and did everything I could to avoid ever seeing him again.

When I was 15 I was partying with my older brother's friends, he had warned me not to but I hadn't listened. His friends were all older than me. It was two Saturdays after my 18th birthday. They had some left over alcohol from the New Year. So we decided to drink It was my first time actually getting drunk. One of the older boys, he had to be at least 25, took me in the bedroom. I was naive and didn't think anything of it. Next thing I know he keeps trying to make out with me, I kept pulling back. All I can remember is the smell of the alcohol on his breath, I don't know if I will ever forget that smell. Then he starts pulling off my pants I was unable to stop him. He starts having sex with me. Im unable to stop it. I blacked it out as it was happening, onlying coming back to my senses to look at the clock then black it out again. There were people walking in and out of the room but no one stopped him. They acted like it was normal. I don't know exactly how long it lasted but it felt like forever. I went home right after everything was done and just sat it the bath with burning hot water. I felt so dirty and just wanted to feel clean again. He had taken my virginity from me. I was just numb in the days and weeks to following. I still have never cried about it or anything like that. I told my brother looking for support but all he had to say is he warned me not to hang out with them and called me a wh*re. After that I told a very few select people but no one really ever knew what to say. I get flashbacks sometimes, usually when I'm laying down to go to bed.

I had got a boyfriend about 6 months after this. When I was 16 I spent most of my time with his family. He was in jail for 9 months but with being still underage he was sent to a boys ranch, where he got to have passes on the weekends. We spent every pass together but things started to go down hill. I was constantly told shut up before I beat your ***. His older brother jumped in the middle many times to save me from getting beat up. After we broke up we still spent quite a bit of time together. One night I stayed the night with him even though we were broke up. He kept trying to have sex with me but I kept pushing him away. I guess he finally got tired of it because he pulled my shorts and panties to the side and shoved his self in me. I kept trying to pull him out and push him awayand telling him to stop but he was much stronger then me, so I just gave in and quit fighting it.

While I was with that boyfriend I spent a lot of time with his family. While I was 16 and 17, his older brother had attempted to rape me 4 different times. I fought each time, he was really strong. But with the previous two incidents, I had learn to fight more. If he really wanted to rape me, he could have, as he was much stronger than the previous two. But my swirming and fighting worked and he would evenually quit after me fighting it for awhile. But with every attempt with him, I was always left with ugly bruises on my inner legs of full hand prints, making me relive the experience every time I seen my legs until the bruises went away.

When I was 16 my grandma sent me to my dad's house for a month in the summer. It was a few days before I was suppose to leave so we went to the lake with my sisters and step mom and my dad's friends. My dad had got drunk, so me and him begin to argue. All his friends were drunk too. The lake had no cell phone service. So after the arguing got bad, I walked up the rode about a mile to where I had service to call my grandma. My dad's friend came on his motorcycle drunk about 5 minutes later and told me that if I didn't go back to the lake he was going to rape me right there and it wouldn't be hard because all I had on was a little swimming suit. I took off running back to the lake and was in tears and told my dad. My dad told me that his friend was just looking out for me and was just helping him.

When I was 17 I was leaving my ex-boyfriend's, that i mentioned above,sister's house at about 2:30am. I did this regularly because I would babysit her kids while she went out. Only this time she hadn't went out. It was about a week before Christmas so we were wrapping up presents. It was snowing outside. So before I left, I had to scrape the ice off the windows as my car. As I was doing that this guy walked up smelling of alcohol took the ice scraper and said I was too pretty to be scraping the windows and did it for me. When he was done I put the scraper in my car and got in the car. Before I could shut the door, he had asked me for a lighter but I didn't have one, so he asked me to the ride to the store, I told him no because he was a stranger. I dont know what his intentions were but he grabbed my wrist and tried to push me back while trying to get on top of me. I was sure he was going to try to rape me right there. So I fought him off and eventuallyy kicked him out of the car and got the door shut and sped off.

When I was 18, about 3 months ago I had a boyfriend. When ever he wanted sex I had to give it to him. From the first day I was told let me have sex with you or I am going to rape you. With all the previous incidents I have been thru I always agreed. The sad part was he didn't even know about my past. He quickly turned violent. He put his hands on me a few times. I eventually went and got a Protection from Abuse order against him. I won the case was granted the final order. But he still violates it and I actually have a court date next month for contempt in court against him.

These are my stories of rape and attempted rape, many being told for the very first time. I have never really dealt with it. Its all just memories I try to forget. I push it to the back of my head. Every once in awhile something will trigger flashbacks. The hardest flashbacks are just the faces and facial expressions. Those forever burn in my mind. I was once an innocent kid but my innocence was lost and I was forced to grow up. Some how I got put in similar situations multiple times, I don't know why. I just know every thing happens for a reason. Maybe me writing this is the beginning of me starting to heal. For the longest time I blamed myself, now I realize I am just another survivor. I am not going to let these events hold me back or define who I am. Each of those men made me that much more of a stronger person. I hated myself and my body for so long but now I realize how beautiful I really am and how strong I am and they can't take that or my pride from me. I am going to carry on and deal with everything as it comes. Because even thru the darkest and loniliest nights my smile has never ever left me. They took a lot from me but my smile no one has ever been ever to take.
littlebitty93 littlebitty93
18-21, F
7 Responses Oct 25, 2012

word of advice: please stop putting yourself in bad situations and bad relationships. nothing good come out it. You've been so abused by men. jesus loves you.

Amen.

You have had such a hard life because of these idiots. I am ALL open ears talk to me on the phone 231-327-5573

okay, so the first guy DRY hump you. i understand that he was WRONG, but that was not rape. that was a sexually assault. the second guy rape you. yal BOTH was drunk but that does not make it right. people were walking back in forth out the room in did not stop it because they might have thought yal was having sex. i am sure if you would of been sober in screaming and fighting him off someone would of stop it. but that NOT your fault. your brother is WRONG for saying it your fault. it seem to me he said that out of ANGRY. my brother does that to me sometimes. Most girls get rape in jump into a relationship with a guy. that is the WRONG thing to do. after been hurt by a man why jump into another man arm. you have to LEARN a lesson so you CAN STOP experiences the same thing. but GOD will put you in the same situation UNTIL you LEARN A LESSON. why were you STILL with the guy that rape you. After he rape you. his brother also tried to. why are you putting YOURSELF in harm way? why would you stay around a guy that said "let me have sex with you or I am going to rape you" it seem to me you haven't learn anything. you need to PROTECT your special jewels. your LAST paragraph was powerful when you said "They took a lot from me but my smile no one has ever been ever to take.". KEEP healing. TAKE BACK YOUR POWER.

sorry for hearing your story, but your a fighter i know u can be a strong person... just head ups and look forward... if you need someone to talk to please PM or email me or YM me : alven_banbros@yahoo.com

If you need anyone to talk to, just ask.
I have seen some of the worst, so I understand.

Your so strong I wish I could be like that.

your precious. no one has the right to hurt you so much. and even if you do get hurt, you should never go through it alone.
we are here to stand by you through everything, ONLY if you let us. :(

Thank You.