Never Forget

i was 16 years old, in my junior year of high school, and i was still a virgin. i hadn't even done more than kiss a guy let alone have sex with one. I wasn't like some church-going innocent girl who was saving herself for her wedding day or anything; but i did want to wait to have sex until i was with someone i was in love with and trusted with my whole heart. I was always brought up to think of sex as a beautiful thing, and not something that we should do with people we don't even care about. I had always dreamed about my first time... (you know the typical bed lined with roses with the love of my life type expectation that never gets fulfilled haha). however, my "first time" was far from what i would have ever expected.

It was about 2 or 3 in the afternoon on January 15, 2011. I was in my dad's apartment, and i was staying there by myself for a good like 4 or 5 hours while he went to work. it was a saturday. my father lived in a tiny little apartment on the top floor of a brick building in my hometown. he was the last apartment in a short hallway, and barely anyone could ever hear what was going on in there because it was so far apart from the others. I was sitting at the desk on the computer, when suddenly someone knocked on the door. my dad had told me that one of his neighbors was going to return something they had borrowed earlier in the week, so i thought nothing of it. i opened up the door and was shocked when a man wearing all black and some sort of mask that only showed part of his eyes and his mouth. before i even could say a word he shoved me into the apartment so i hit the wall and he closed the door behind him. i lunged for the door in an attempt to open it and run outside but he put his hand up and covered my face with it so i couldn't see anything. he then put me in a choke-hold and with his other hand covered my mouth with it. by now i was trying to scream and struggling to get away but he kicked the back of my knees with his boots so it made me almost fall to the ground. he then grabbed my wrists and pulled my arms over my head and put me on the ground on my back. he held my wrists with such a forceful hold that there was absolutely no way i could get up. with one hand he held my hands above my head and he whipped out a knife that i guess he stashed in his pocket and he held it to my throat. you can only imagine how terrified i was in that moment. i thought that i was going to be killed. he told me that if i screamed he would kill me in a heartbeat, and that he had no problem doing so. he then put the knife on the table next to me and grabbed my wrists with both his hands again.

before i knew it, he was shoving his tongue down my throat, and i was gasping for air. i protested, sobbing and wimpering "no" through his disgusting kisses. when i continued crying he took one of his hands off my wrists and used it to backhand me. he then held onto my wrists and yanked off his pants. lying on top of me, he began to bite my breasts through my shirt, and before i knew it he had taken my entire shirt off. i started kicking and trying to scream again but he forcefully shoved my face into the floor with his hand and used the other to rip my pants off.

being a virgin i was especially scared. everyone makes such a big deal about how much their first times hurt. i knew that it was going to be painful. and that's why i wanted to do it with someone who loved me. i wanted to do it with someone who would help me through the pain, not try to actually hurt me. nothing, could have prepared me, though, for the pain that was inflicted on me that day. he plunged into me with absolutely no mercy. i have never felt such pain in my entire life. it felt like someone was literally ripping me open and enjoying it. it was awful. because i was tight, and he was definitely not small, part of the skin actually ripped open on me. later i would realize that i bled a lot.

he raped me for 10 minutes straight. and i'll tell you what, those seemed like the longest 10 minutes of my entire life. it seemed like it was at least an hour. throughout the rape, he called me awful things and continued to slap me upside the head. in a way i welcomed the slaps, because it distracted me from the pain that was going on in the lower hemisphere. soon he came inside me. when he was finished, he gave me one last slap on the face, and whispered "good girl." he then got up, put his clothes on, grabbed his knife, and left me there, on the ground, shaking and gasping for breath, sobbing into the carpet.

i'm pretty sure i passed out for about 20 minutes because i remember waking up in excruciating pain in the same place he left me. i don't know, maybe i was just in a daze, but i don't remember the 20 minutes after he left. i limped into the bathroom where i collapsed in the shower, struggling to turn on the water, sobbing and dry heaving. i held myself and just laid in the bathtub for about a half hour....scrubbing every inch of my body.

when my dad came home i lied my *** off and told him that i had just gotten really sick and was throwing up, thus the brownish stains on the carpet. i stayed in bed for the rest of the night.

I pretended everything was fine. i didn't tell anyone what had happened, although i did tell a few of my friends that i had been attacked by an ex boyfriend and that's why there were bruises all over my body. (a stupid lie, i know, but what was i supposed to tell them? i fell down the stairs? well actually, that's what i told the nurse. whatever.) I lied my way through the next month or so.

shockingly, when i went to the doctor to get tested for STD's (claiming i had just had regular sex), i tested negative for every STD. however, a month later, i missed my period. i couldn't believe it. i bought a home pregnancy test and it was positive. i felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. i couldn't believe that a child could be conceived during such a merciless act. however, from the time i was a little girl, i had extremely motherly instincts. and i swear to you, from the moment i found out i was pregnant, i loved that child. i loved that child with my whole heart.

i say loved because i miscarried her two months later, two days before i planned to tell my parents everything. and i say her because while i wasn't sure if it was a boy or a girl, i had a strange feeling that she was a girl. i had already named her Lyrica. i've never sunk so far into a depression in my life.

ever since i was raped, i have suffered from serious flashbacks. i still get them. and if someone so much as touches my wrists for a split second i go into a panic attack. it's awful living with the memory. it hasn't even been two years. i'm still getting used to life as a rape victim, and to be honest, i don't even think it's possible to get used to it. and it's certainly not possible to get over the loss of a child.

i didn't date for almost a year after that happened. instead i let guys use me. i let myself be treated like crap for over a year before i finally found love in my best friend, david. he and i have been together for almost 7 months now, and i am so happy. he knows about the rape, and he has actually been with me when i've had flashbacks. he holds me and lets me know that it's not really happening and he doesn't let me go until i ask him to. he supports me from day to day and i'm truly in love with him. he's known about the rape for almost a year now, which is amazing to me. we have not had sex yet, and i still consider myself a virgin. i don't consider myself to be "impure" until i have given myself to the man of my choosing. of course, it will be David, but we have decided to wait until we have been together a whole year.

overall, i am happy. i still struggle from day to day, and some days are worse than others, but i know that i'll be okay.

i may not ever fully heal, but i'll be okay.
sarahmee sarahmee
18-21, F
Nov 26, 2012