What Happened.

There are two instances in which I may have been raped. The second instance is the one I'm not sure of.

The first time was... awful. I didn't fight back. I should've, but I didn't. I think I was too shocked. I mean, it was my boyfriend, so I really wasn't expecting it. I told him I didn't want to have sex without a condom, but he did anyway. He just made me do it. I said no the whole time, but I didn't scratch him or hit him or kick him. All I tried to do was puch him off. But I mean, I was in love with the guy. I didn't want to hurt him. I cried the whole time, but it was so quietly that I'm not even sure if he noticed until he had finished. He asked me why I was crying. I told him. Then he cried. HE cried. That really messed with me. I never saw him cry on any other ocassion, not once. But he seemed really upset by what he had done. He still did it though. And whether he regretted that or not, there was plenty of other terrible things he did that still make him a dispicable human being. I was so hurt. I cared for this guy so much, and I felt so betrayed. Suddenly it was like no one could be trusted. I had seen first hand that even the people you think you know the best can shock you by what they're capable of, and that is a terrible realization for a thirteen year old girl. I was confused for a very long time about if I should really consider that rape. I kept telling myself it was my fault. There were so many ways I could blame it on myself. I didn't try hard enough to stop him. I was stupid for being in a dark ditch that late with some one who by that time I already knew to be a bad person despite the love I had for him. But after I spent weeks and weeks researching the topic, I realized that I shouldn't have had to fight him off. No on should have to go so far as to get physical in order to prevent unwanted sex. My actions weren't to blame; his were. It took me a long time, but I now know that it wasn't my fault.

The second time went a lot different. It was actually the brother of the first guy that did this to me. I always kind of considered it be like date rape. He gace me these pills. I didn't exactly know what they were, but I had an idea. They were muscle relaxers. But he gave me way too many for my small body and extremely low tolerance. I maintain that he knew exactly what he was doing the whole time. Shortly after taking the pills, we started playing truth or dare. He kept trying to dare me to sleep with him and I kept saying no. But he kept trying. He kept pushing. I kept saying no. Eventually, it was hard to sit up. Everything was spinning. I could hardly move and I just wanted to get out of that situation. My stomach hurt something awful and I thought I might throw up. I hardly knew what was going on. He asked one more time, and I said, "Ok! Fine". Then he did it. After about half an hour I had sobered up enough to realize I was sleeping with my boyfriend's brother and demanded that he stop. I gave him some bullshit reason. I said something about too many people walking by (because we were behind some bushes). Then I went home and threw up a lot. The thing about that one that threw me off so much was that I said ok, and when I told him to stop, he did. He always was the better of the two brothers, not that that's saying a whole lot for him.

These two experiences were traumatic for me. They have shaped who I am in a few ways. To an extent, they are a part of me. I don't think they have caused me to develop any serious problems. They might have furthered some that were already manifested, but they didn't cause any. I have learned from them, and come to terms with them.  

I've never told my parents about this, and I've never formally reported it. And I never will. Those ******** will get their's, all in due time.

ejordan ejordan
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 8, 2010

Just recently, I had something like that happen to me. I met this guy and he kept trying to push me and pressure me into having sex with him until finally I gave in. I just wasn't on any type of medications, drugs, or anything like that. Then later he was asking for my to sleep with him again and I refused but he wouldn't take no as an answer. He did it anyways. I didn't fight back. I just tried pulling away and told him no the whole time. And after I tried to pretend like it never happened. Didn't tell anyone at first and continued texting him, I even dropped food off at his house. But I didn't want anyone to know. and now im trying to press charges because my brother found out and told the rest of my family and they kept telling me if i didn't go to the police that he could do again to someone else. and its almost impossible to prove. people are making it out like im a liar. and im getting yelled at and made to look bad for everything little detail i may have forgotten. i dont know what to do anymore.

I was raped with muscle relaxants too it happened almost two years ago it was the scariest thing that had ever happened to me i could barely get words out my best friend found us and stopped him before he finished and up until yesterday she was the only one that knew.. i had to put on a happy face and hang out with him numerous times after.. finally when it all spilled out i was called a liar and a bad girlfriend because i wanted to keep that a secret. it isnt my most proud moment so i have kept it all bottled up inside me now that it is out im having nightmares every time i close my eyes i see his face i get so upset im making myself sick i havent eaten i really just dont know what to do... i really need help please just any advice