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To Anyone Who Cares,

so i dont know what im doing. i guess i just want someone to know, even if its people i have never met and dont know me. thats one of the hardest things really a part of me would do anything for everyone to know, to understand, but another part could never tell them-ever. i have absolutely no one, i pushed them all away and none of them cared enough to follow. i dont want to die, i want to dissapear but the truth is i love life. i love people and smiles and laughter and friendship and family and pets and sport and music and art and the beach and photos and memories and sport and dance and life. i love life. well actually i love the idea of life. i hate my life. everthing i loved i seem to hate more now, i cant help it. its like i hate it because i dont have any of it. i cry all the time. i use to be so happy, so confident and outgoing and sporty and smart and nice and i was dux of school and school captain and had lots and lots of friends and i was 'popular'. but whenever i think about thatnow i just burst into tears. i hate meself most. for being so weak as to falll into this depression. everyone goes through such hardships in their life and really i didnt have much. i hate myself for being so weak and crying and self pity when there spoeple out there with no family or food or life or school or they were abused or parents died or homeless. but just thinking abot that makes me cry more. i hate myself so so so much. i cut, im ashamed of myself for it but i cant help it anyway. no one cares anyway. i spend every second of my life just jhiding from people and aavoiding conversations and eye contact. i tried putiing on an act for a while but i grew to weak for it. i ddont think anyone cared whether i was happy or not so i gave up. i guess in some kind of wierd way im still 'popular' (exuse me i hate the term) and i guess in another way i have everything going for me, sport, music, dance, school, looks. and even though a part of me knows that i cant help but think itsnot important. none of it matters. i just want a friend. thats all i want. im not going to tell you my story because i dont think thats what is important. but how i feel is. i miss my family and my friends and me, even t hough there all still around i just cant get to them. i dont want to. every part of me is contantly contradicting itself. part of me wants something and another wnats something else, and the negatice side always winss. i
idontknowanythinganymore idontknowanythinganymore 13-15 2 Responses Sep 17, 2011

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You sound so desperate and sad-I feel for you. What happened? You need to find someone to talk to. There are Distress lines where people can discuss your feelings with you. Teenage years are not easy; I cannot understand why teenage years are so difficult. Although it has been many years since I was one, I remember feeling pretty unhappy most of the time. I came from a large family and we were poor. Little opportunity to discover the world. No real friends. Not popular. Quiet. Sensitive. Once I turned 18, I changed because I wanted to. I defied my overprotective parents and started to make my own life. It took many years to develop confidence in myself and to make friends...There was no one to understand me or my life then. Desperation was a constant in my life early on...Now I aam successful-a professional. I can support myself, and I have a few friends who I can share most of myself with...You cannot give up. Life is wonderful. Find some support. Make a good friend or several. Deal with your problems. Get counselling even if only by phone by a stranger. Often one can share intimate thoughts with little difficulty with someone anonymous. You say you are a cutter as well. You need help with this...Again, you must reach out for help in order to get it. Make one tiny step and see what happens. It seems like you have little to lose at this point...Let us know what happ[ens. People DO care about you. You do not realize this...

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