Where To Start...Hi, this might be a bit long and not make sense in some places cos I do go on a bit... But thanks for reading.
So, I'm 18 and I think I have this thing called Seasonal Affective Disorder (or SAD). Its also known as 'Winter Blues'.
Last year I got really down and didn't want to do anything. I thought I was depressed and even took a test/symptom checker thing on the NHS website and it told me I might be. Everything my friends did got to me, I felt left out and forgotten. I felt so bad I wanted a new life. I wanted to run away and start a new life somewhere. I used Twitter a lot to vent my feelings because I didn't feel like I could tell my friends. I vented things that got to me and upset me and they may have come accross as bitchy but they really weren't; I'm sure people would say the same things in a diary (or journal, or whatever you want to call it). None of my friends followed me and I never told them what it was. One of my friends found it and they all seemed to find out what the tweets said. They got pissed off at me and (as I found out last week) they were going to 'give up' on me. It hurts because they didn't realise there was something wrong - even after I cried at school! I never cry in public! - and they believed I would be a ***** to them and they only seemed to care about their own feelings. They were going to give up on me without trying to find out what was wrong. The only reason they didn't was because I had told one of them I though I was depressed but I told him not to say anything and he told them not to, and that I was just going through some stuff. But I'm pissed off with him because HE was the one who found my twitter therefore he must have told them what I'd said and thats stirring. I hate that the two people who should know me best don't know me at all. They believed that I would be bitchy towards them! They didn't realise there was something wrong when people who I'm not as close to detected there was something wrong.
I don't know what to do about this though. I don't want to bring it up and drag up the passed. I barely saw my friends last year cos I didn't know how to feel about it and what to do. (But the thing is, I spent the time with a girl in my class and I actually had fun at school and was myself for the first time in ages). I do know that if theres a repeat of last year and I do get that depressed again and they want to 'give up' on me that I say let them. They wanted to so that confirmed my fears that they don't actually care about me. If they did surely they would have tried everything they could to find out what was wrong with me and they would have tried to help. Or am I wrong?
I think the SAD thing may have started when I was in year 10 (when I was 15). I felt left out, forgotten and insignificant like I could just disappear and no one (except my mum and dad and sister) would realise I was gone and that feeling hasn't really gone away. In year 10 it got so bad I just had to leave my group of friends. I became bestfriends with a girl who was new in our form. In a way I was happier but I was upset my friends didn't seem to care I was gone and I was sad I had to do it. I missed my old friends. Overtime three of my old friends had broken away from the others and I started hanging round with them again as well as my best friend. But in year 11 she left. I started hanging around with the other three and I was actually happy for a few months but then it all went downhill again in year 12. I wasn't really as happy as I could be over the summer because I still had some of the feelings I had when I was depressed (they just didn't get to me as bad). But now I feel exactly the same as last year. I hate it because I do love my friends and I'd hate to lose them but they make me feel horrible!
Anyone got any ideas of what to do that doesn't include talking to them because I actually find that physically impossible sometimes?
Thanks again for reading :) xx