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Consumed

I want to share my story with hopes that it will make me feel better. Feedback from strangers who can relate would be wonderful. I didn't know it was possible to feel like this. I've been battling with my conscious for years and years. To start, it's apparent that my parents divorce has effected me. I was about 10 when the decision was made. I believed it was my dads fault due to his alcoholism and drug abuse. One day we were perfect then we crashed and burned so fast. I became the most angry little girl. I pushed away all my feelings and put on a front as if my father and mine fall out did not bother me. My mom then on out did her best and continued to amaze me but no matter how hard she tried she always struggled. Years went by while I carried this anger inside of me. Numerous times I tried to reconnect with my father but it never worked out. I avoided my issues and kept my mind busy with school and my best friend. When I turned 14 I began to date a good friend of mine. I never had been so in love. When I was with my boyfriend, an empty space was filled. I couldnt picture life without him. Our relationship lasted three years. The fall out made me take a turn for the worst. I thought I finally found happiness and then I experienced déjà vu. My boyfriend and I broke up because he was doing drugs heavily behind my back. Identical to the fall out of me and my father. I felt as if my heart literally hurt from breaking. I tried to stay strong because I was so angry. But the whole time I was fooling myself. The love of my life was gone and I didnt want to hurt but I couldn't help it. I had a hard time admitting i was depressed. I have two brothers and both of them tried to kill themsleves at one point. I didnt want to believe i was depressed because i didnt want to be like them. I was always so strong and suddenly i no longer could be. I agreed to therapy, which made me more depressed. I then recieved medication for my depression and anxiety. I would wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and lose my breath. Instantly i had anxiety attacks. As soon as i turned 16 I got a job at a pizzeria. I was dying to have a Job before I got one. All I wanted is to be independent and work work work. I soon took over specific bills, lent money to my brother or mom, and payed for anything that my family needed that I could afford. I wanted money for myself and money to help my family, I became obsessed with working. It was the only thing that made me happy. I picked up as many hours as I could. Soon enough I got exhausted but I refused to stop working. I got so depressed about my family's circumstances that I believe I had no other choice but to work as much as I do. I am so eager to get out of this rut. But my hunger for security is making my education suffer. In a few days, it will be a month since the last time I've been to school. It's my junior year and I can not commit to it. School makes me worried sick. I feel uncomfortable and wrong when I am there. I need to get away from this. I need answers. I need people to relate to. I am now 17 and 7 years later things still feel the same. I hate living like this. I can only pray it gets better before it gets worst.
Longxgonex102594 Longxgonex102594 16-17 3 Responses Nov 21, 2011

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Hi i am exactly like you but i am about 16 years old... i dont know if you have cut, binge drank, or have done drugs but mine is all of the above.. i may be younger but i have the same personality you have and i may have some knowledge for you... now please respond. i have talked to other people before and trust me it helps better than thearpy in my mind. and oh yeah my name is Samantha(:
please e-mail!

Hi,<br />
<br />
My name is Kelsea and I am the casting producer for MTV. I read your story and would LOVE to talk to you. Please contact me immediately! <br />
<br />
Kelsea Fleischman<br />
Casting Department<br />
MTV Network<br />
kelsea casting <br />
at gmail<br />
dot com

Why would an MTV producer use a gmail account instead of something from their own domain?

You are a very strong lady and I urge to keep that spirit of that kind moreover just have in God then things will be well with YOU!!!