I Am Happy Now, But I Am Scared Of Getting Depressed Again

last year, me & my best mate got into a fight & didn't talk for 2 months, in those months i was so alone, i had friends but i felt like they were all on my mate's side.i remember my first sign of depression, i was walking around school & people were passing me & i thought "i am invisible to them, nobody would notice if i was to disappear" i then started to listen to more screamo, more sad songs.i thought i didn't need people in my life anymore.
me & my best mate sorted our problems out then my friend set me up with this guy, & i don't know i feel like he was the major starting point of my depression or maybe he just sped up the empty, dark, suicidal feeling that was rising within me.
the night i was texting him was the first time i cut myself properly.i made sure there was blood.if no blood comes i didn't cut hard enough.i went to school & tried to be happy, look like i was doing well.but people noticed i had changed.they asked me what was wrong "i'm fine" i always said as i wanted them to see the scars on my wrist.weeks i spent crying myself to sleep.scissors were under my bed for when i needed them & boy did i always need them.i relied on them.i cut my wrist,thigh,back & shoulder.this guy my mate set me up with was depressed and i tried my ******* hardest to make him happy.i was just never enough for him.but when i was depressed he didn't want to talk about it "you make me feel sad" he said & i didn't want that.when he saw the cuts on me he said "that is unattractive" i don't let people in easy, so for him the first person i opened up to, to say that really killed me.
i began to download songs about depression & suicide.i wanted to die.i walked across a bridge & felt andreniline to end my life right there.
to this very day my family don't know i ever had depression, i'm a good liar to them.they are the reason i am alive if they didn't care then i would have just ended my life. now i watch janoskian videos, listen to happy songs & play temple run.
you're thinking, yay she is happy.yes i am, but i am distracting myself with these objects, if i don't distract myself with good things i will be depressed.i want to be able to listen to a sad song & not think about depression, suicde. i'm better, but i'm not fixed & i'm scared i will just go back to being depressed. :( is this normal? am i messed up?
bethanyradke bethanyradke
18-21, F
2 Responses May 5, 2012

I struggle with depression, and have as long as I can remember. I'd like to recommend a book called Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl. It has really helped me stay out of the depression trap and move on with my life.

Sweetie no ur not messed up is good ur tryna get ur mind of things by the way temple run my fav game lol but omg think about happy things think about the people who love u think about ur future ur school career , and atleast u have friends honey dont feel that way and i hope u stop cutting urslef because is not the answer to ur priblems .