Now

I'm am currently 16 years old, and I have been suffing with depression since I was 12. Imagine that? Four years of the "best time of my life" ruined because I am depressed. My moods range from complete worthlessness to pure anger, I'm never happy anymore. No one seems to notice though, mainly because everyone thinks I'm just always cold and shut-off. Some people think that I don't even have a heart. I've though about suicide, I even attempted it once. I took 37 pills (three different kind) and then I went to bed. Guess what happened next? Nothing, I woke up the next morning and cried, repeating over and over "Why aren't I dead? I'm worthless." Now, I'm nothing special, I have an average life, I get straight A's and I play a sport. I even have three close friends. But, they don't understand me at all, they always joke about suicide and it hurts. I know, you're probably thinking "Get new friends" but, I can't, I don't want to I guess? I'd rather be hurt then friendless. Life sucks to me. It's driving me insane.
FearMeImShort FearMeImShort
18-21, F
3 Responses May 16, 2012

Do you know what triggered your depression at age 12? Most of the time something happens usually unpleasent and depression forms because we keep it to ourseleves without talking to someone about it. I do strongly suggest you talk to someone you can trust about this. If depression goes on too long it can start to cause anxiety, and that's a whole other problem. So really think back to the time you started to feel depressed, and try to figure out what triggered it, then maybe you can work on that.

I have a feeling it's because I watched my mom get beaten (along with my brother and myself) and I watched her get murdered.

That is sad.. I have depression but not to the point of suicide. I admit, & am ashamed of it, I have cute myself before but not with a blade. With a push pin, safety pin, & I even used to bite my finger in the middle of class I'd just get sooo mad... I don't even understand why.

I used to cut across my stomach and on my hips so no one would notice. I also used to take burning hot showers (like really hot), but the pain did nothing for me, it didn't "releive" me, or make me feel "good", it just made me realize that I was stupid, which made me feel worse because, well, it's hard to describe over the computer, because I'm smart and doing something stupid is... stupid? I can't describe it. I'm sorry you felt the need to cut and that you feel ashamed, I hope you're better now.

The best time in your life is whenever you make time for it, you haven't missed it. You're 16 and there's still lots more for you to do in life and some of thaqt you can't do until you're an adult. Yes, there might be somethings that you missed out on specific to teenage years but you can't change that. You have to remember that those chances that you think have missed out on might never have happened at all even if you hadn't been depressed.<br />
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Have you spoke to anyone about how you feel? Your family, friends and/or doctor? They won't know anything about how you are unless you do. Even if they do some people will never understand because they haven't experienced what it's like. But you can try to explain to them what it is like for you and ask them if they'd be a bit more considerate of your feelings. And I understand that you'd rather have people to call friends than nobody at all but if you do want to find treatment for this then those people saying hurtful things will only set you back.<br />
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If you haven't spoke to a doctor about this then I strongly suggest this because they can offer you a lot of options to treat depression. Or if you're school has a psychologist attached to it then go talk to them. It's a relief to be able to talk to someone about it and know that it won't go any further (unlesss they think you're an immediate danger to yourself or others) and you won't be judged for how you feel.<br />
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Just remember that although you might have missed a lot of opportunities so far that if you do commit suicide then who knows what you'll be missing out on. That some people go through treatment for depression and they never have trouble with it again or some people are treated for the rest of their life but they are able to move forward and have great experiences. You never know if you don't try...<br />
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I hope things get better for you and if you ever want to vent/talk don't hesitate to message me anytime.

Thank you for this long comment, I really appreciate it. I don't want treatement, I think treatement will classify me as "unstable/insane", but that's just my opinion. Last time I talked about it, the person just agreed with me, I still don't understand why since I was just ranting about how much the world sucks and how people are stupid (I have a bit of a temper). But once again thank you for this comment, I might take you up on that offer for talking, but you might get annoyed with me. Just sayin'.

No problem :) Nah, I won't get annoyed with you, I'll tell you when I don't agree with what you're saying or when you are totally wrong ;P but I won't get annoyed with you.

I won't push but all I'll say is that I've have depression for about 5 years and I've overdosed 3 times since then and I've never been diagnosed as unstable/insane and never been commited. I've been through psychotherapy (which is basically talking everything through, finding new though processes and curbing your own) and I'm starting on meds soon. Believe me, I don't want to do any of this because all the jobs I want to do are now ruled out because I have depression but I understand why that is and why I can't now. It hurts but it's for everyone safety. And I want to get better because there's so much more I want to do in the future.

I wouldn't be saying this again but since you mentioned trying suicide already I just really think you should speak to a doctor even if you don't follow through. I'd hate for you to get to that low point again and succeeding because people will miss you. And it may sound a bit dramatic but it's true when I say the world would never be the same without you, you could cause so many changes in the furture, help so many people.

Please take me up in my offer if you need to talk again, I insist even if you think you're annoying (which you're not as far as I can see ;).

(Also, forgot to put before but I really love your name, lol!)