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Struggling

I just keep on saying the wrong thing. I've tried to get help, but I can't bring myself to even speak about myself. My Mum has bi Polar, and I guess its really hard living with her. I'm scared for her. I don't know her anymore. And I have told the councellor, about my Mum. I'm getting help, with dealing with her. But thats not the main problem. the main problem is me. I can't concentrate anymore. I can't be happy. I'm confused. I don't know how I feel, or what I'm thinking. And I keep on saying, "yeah. I'm fine." it slips out of my mouth, like a bad habit. But I know I'm not fine. No, I'm screaming. I feel as though theres toxic waste in my head. I can't stop thinking, overthinking. I'm so scared.
I can't talk to anyone at school anymore, I feel disconnected. I can't relate to anyone my age. I can't understand their problems. The kids at school seem so shallow and superficial. Its drives me insane, along with everything else. I just want to be happy and carefree. Maybe I'm losing my mind. I need a break. I don't want all these obligations and responsibilities. I just can't so it anymore. I'm so confused. Overwhelmed. And all the bad things i saw as a child, i was always able to forget. Or to put it to the darkest part of my mind. but theres not ennough room, to block it all out anymore. Everythings coming back, and I'm starting to question everything I ever believed in. I don't believe in anything anymore. I'm sick of being trapped in my life. Sometimes, I just don't want to be alive. And I scare myself, when late at night, I scream into my pillow for hours. When I'm sure my chest is going to cave in. When I take that blade from the kitchen draw and put it to my chest. It would be so easy, i think sometimes. So easy, to carve my path to the darker side of life. But I can never do it. I can never cut deep enough. because I'm scared of death. Because I'm scared of life. Theres no place for me.
UnderstatedSorrow UnderstatedSorrow 16-17, F Jun 20, 2012

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