Why So Much Pain?

I really don't know why I am even alive....I sound emo don't I? Meh... I'm starting not to care about things anymore. I guess with the death of my mom and being abused by my dad and having to move in with people who are just mean to me, has finally hit me :(. My mom died when I was in the 6th grade... after that my dad would hit me,say really mean things to me like "nobody cares about you" "your ugly" and he would try to make me drop out of school...funny thing is I was still in middle school -____-''. My dad would even try to rape me. At first it was only during the night then it would happen during the day.... I was always scared to go home....because he was there. I even tried to go for help!!! I called my aunt...she would ignore my cries for help!! At that point I really did feel like no one cared about me... my dad had taken alll the numbers I had, but I remembered hers though...I had a 'babysitter', I didn't think she would be that much help, since my own family doesn't help me. Even when my mother died nobody came to check on me. I later left the house b/c of a friend, I told her what was happening and I went to CPS. Funny ain't it? My friend helped me out more than my own family. I went to a foster home...I hated it there, it felt like they where...GRR i just hated it. I felt like a TOTAL bother to them... gosh since they do get paid to take care of me, they should try to act like they care. Then I had to pick someone in my family I wanted to live with. That person that ignored me, was there she was like "im sooo sorry! im sorry i ignored you!" meh...lies... i moved in with my other aunt... i felt soo much perssure from them...i was always stressed. Then moved agian b/c her son died. I guess, she just didn't want me anymore... gosh i felt like crap. Then i moved in with my uncle. Everything was cool, then they started to treat me like crap... like everything i did was annoying to them! i can NEVER be myself with my family. they always judge me! I can't even laugh! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! They always complain on how i don't talk, that i don't like them... and man... they treat me like an outsider. My unlce...acts weird too...like he says he has 'feelings for me'. He makes me feel really scared. He forces a hug on me and always trys to grab my hand and legs... I feel scared... I thought if they adopted me everything would change...but it didn't. I feel like crap. I just hate myself soo much! like why can't i find a place that'll love me for me? why do people have to be so mean to me. I didn't do anything! I just cry and cry and ask god for help! i don't even think they notice that i am depressed. They say im having an attitude problem. When i tell them good news...they don't care....they ignore me... i got into a university and the major i wanted, but im scared. Im scared if people are always going to treat me like this. Heck, even my own family treats me like crap... I just want to die! Im hoping god will forgive my sin of killing myself... so i can see my mom... i really miss her. I cry wanting to be held by her, isn't that childish? I just want to be with my mom, i want to hug her and cry on her and ask her why she left mee all alone... im hurting so bad right now... sometimes i wonder if god is even helping me... i want to give up...
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 12, 2013