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If I Could Live.

Hello... I'm 13 and I've been depressed for 2 years, nobody knows this at all, but the Teachers think something is mentally wrong with me.

I don't know why I feel so depressed...
Well i do, but sometimes i just keep crying for no apparant reason.

I want to help everybody in the world and all the people who are suffering and it makes me depressed.
I keep having nightmares and hallucinationsof a man who is going to kill me, he had gorged eyes and his fingernails are bloody and extremely long.... He's so tall and he has massive ears.... He's killed me in so many ways, like Rape, Torchure, Stabbing etc.
I hate going to sleep and I dread it every night.... Sleep is the only peace I can get.... And now it has been taken away from me!
I have a very bad skin condition called Eczema, (Research on Google+see Google images) It's extremely extremely bad.... People always look at me and laugh at me and things, I get bullied at school for being Ugly, i feel alone... So so alone.. I tried to tell my mum but she said i think too much about myself and I'm just pretending and i shouldn't get things in my head... And that's only when i told her i was bullied... These were my exact words 'I got bullied' and she starts SCREAMING at me for being so self absorbed n things... I always feel firey and as though hell is inside me. I feel ugly and feel as though all I'm good for is itching from this crappy illness! ALL I DO IS CRY AND CRY AND CRY! I always think about suicide... And i feel afraid to hold a Knife because i know i will kill myself.

Please Help Me.
An Ep User An EP User 2 Responses Jan 19, 2013

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Also--- you are definitley not an ugly person. Remember that some people are so ugly on the inside, and are in glamorous bodies, but they are still ugly and cruel. You don't seem the least bit cruel to me! And thats what counts.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am also a teen, and I know that depression is a terrible thing, especially when you have no one to turn to.

Please don't kill yourself. You have much more of a life to live, and so many things to see, you know that? I know that may be too much of a typical thing to say, but its true, its true when adults tell us our whole life is ahead of us, because thats true. I've been down the suicidal lane, more than once, and its hard to say whats keeping me here. But I enjoy life, because of the simple things. The little things keep me here.

I'm still struggling because I cry as much as you do. Its so hard to get out of it, but people can help you. If you want, I can help you out. Take advantage of any support you can get.

I don't know the situation you have with your parents, and I garantee theres nothing mentally wrong with you. You may be traumatized, and self concious, but trust me people endure through these things. I know I have.

You can do so much to get out of it, from phsychiatrists, to just friends helping you through it. If you need a friend, you can count on me. And as for the bullies, don't worry about them. because I'm sure you are much brighter than they will ever be. Just because you have problems, doesn't mean they don't, and they might just laugh at you, whereas they have large pimples on their ***!

It's different when i'm online, i just want a comforting voice and a hug... I miss being who i was. I don't even know why I get nightmares and hallucinations... Sometimes I get so scared for no reason and my body starts to shake really badly. I can't tell anyone about me being all sad and stuff because they'll say I'm weak and they don't understand the immense pain you're enduring.
I only wonder when someone will come along and support me... If i ever tell anyone I'm feeling like this, they will start ridiculing me... I wonder who the right person is to tell! I really like my maths Teacher but If i tell her she will call my parents and i don't want my parents to know anything. My mum always says not to keep things inside and starts shouting at me and it isn't very helpful... This just makes me not want to tell her anything at all!
I'm torchuring myself by this silence, I'm fighting against myself to stay alive, to talk... It just makes me cry even more and everything is just so confusing!
Please help me and talk to me.

Also, I know i sound like a psycopath in the story that i wrote but i just can't explain things... And i was crying at the time so i wrote anything that came into my mind... I have many other reasons for my depression but i just don't want to talk about some because i feel embaressed.

Don't be sorry at all!

I completely understand where you are coming from, and I'm sorry that you're confused and youre going through a rough time right now. You WILL be okay in time.

The most important part is, you want help right? You miss being able to live and have fun. You can combat this. I know its hard to hear it, but you must and you WILL.

It seems your issues might be in blacked memories, or you might have underlying issues. Don't be embarrased! You said you don't want to tell anyone because theyll think youll weak. My friend, thats no excuse.Please, realize, that the bullies or whomever is around you thats making you feel this way, shouldnt matter. You have to get better for yourself! Not for anybody else.

I am here for support, and believe it or not, there are people out there to support you. Don't be embarrassed of ridicule. The only person who's opinion matters is YOURSELF. Nobodies idiotic thoughts are superior enough to judge you, you have to realize this.

I know you're afraid, but think about it logically. Your mother wouldn't want to see you like this. Parents like this get angry because they are confused or they don't understand. But she loves you! You have to do something to help yourself. And that is: write her a letter if its hard for you to speakup for yourself. tell her everything that you are feeling and that it upsets you that she yells at you so much. Sweety, you need someone to help you out and listen to you. Your mom might be going through something as well, and she might not realize how serious this is.

Also- you SHOULD talk to your math teacher if you trust them. Don't be afraid they will tell your parents something. You have to reach out to help, and your math teacher will try to only HELP you not HURT you..

Practice, if that makes you feel safer. You have to know what to write to them or what to say. It seems you want help, and you will get it, you just have to elieve in it and take the first step, which is to tell somebody! If you do, they won't make fun of you! They will help you! Iknow you don't believe me, ut its true! No one wants to see somebody go through something so emotional..

Yes, you're right, but i just can't get it out anyway, so there's no use in trying to communicate with people, I want to tell someone and I think about telling them all the time but I just can't say anything. Thanks for your kindness, it's nice to know somebody cares. I try to be positive but it just seems that there's no light at the end of this tunnel... It's just going to be cold, wet, miserable and never-ending. I don't even know why life suddenly changes, it's as though I'm breathing for no reason, I might as well die... I hope that God forgives me for everything i have ever done... I just feel so alone, too..

You have done nothing wrong!

This is life- Sometimes we just get all the way down to the ground and its hard to climb back up... but when we get back up, we realize it was worth it.

Stop saying you "can't" "theres no use" and whatnot, the more you say it the worse its going to get. You have to write it out, you have to talk to them, because you are only hurting yourself... theres no use in being hard headed about it.

The faster you open yourself up to people, the faster you'll realize its not so bad afterall, and they, in turn, will help you recover.

You have to stop fighting it, and start acting on it. Start helpin yourself.

If I care, then someone out there, closer to you, ALSO CARES.

hmm.. ok..

? I don't know if you read it all but you have to let people into your life, and not e afraid. It'll only be worse if you are afraid

I did read it all... But i can't tell anyone, there's always something stopping me, and i can't take your advice but i will always keep it in consideration.

Well then, if you don't begin to speak up, you'll just be in this hole for the rest of your life. I'm trying to be sweet and help you, because you are vulnerale right now and need support, but you are really hard headed. If you just took the time to write somebody a letter about how you are feeling emotionally, and mentally, and even spoke up to a SINGLE person!, I GARANTEE, everything would change for the better.

I refuse to believe anything is stopping you from speaking up and getting help. Thats not plausible. The only thing thats stopping you is yourself. You aren't even listening to my advice, and you automatically think its not going to work, even though you haven't tried it yet. Don't block yourself, because this is what is hurting you.

You can't let yourself hide in some absurd fear that all people will reject you. Then you'll NEVER be able to live life, and have fun. You shouldnt care about rejection, you should care only aout your mental and emotional health, not about what OTHER people think. In your post, you said so YOURSELF that you want to live and be happy, and that you wanted advice, ut now you're rejecting everything and you're still in this lack hole. LET yourself live. Speak up.

I honestly do not know how else to help you, it seems fairly simple. You have to find the courage to get yourself help, if you don't, then don't expect someone to save you. You have to take the first step and tell someone, then, the help will come.

ok, i'll get help... I wrote a letter a week ago but i trashed it. I'll get help

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