“And when I’m at war with myself
I ride
I just ride”

Indecisiveness. It’s one of my greatest flaws, my greatest hindrance, and the source of almost everything I fear. I dont know what to do with my life, what I want or who I want to become, who I want to be with, and where I’m going. I feel stuck, trapped in fear of so many things, and I know more than anyone that that is no way to live but breaking free is one of the hardest things I’ll ever do. I want freedom, excitement, love, I want to build myself a life but don’t know how, and most days it feels like I’m being pushed backwards further and further into having nothing.

A few summers back I managed to escape my depression and my hatred of myself and I remember vividly that feeling of freedom and true happiness , of realizing my full capabilities and potential, something that I was not accustomed to. I was so used to doing nothing, having no one, no hope and no goals. I didn’t know how to get started with everything and the main source of my fear was that I wouldn’t be able to get the things that I wanted from life because I simply wasnt good enough. This became a vicious cycle, I was too self conscious and afraid to go forward even to talk to people, but I was terrified that I would be paralyzed forever if I didnt my life wouldnt become what I wanted.That I would waste it doing nothing, being too afraid to go forward, being so self conscious and hating myself so deeply that I couldnt even look at myself in the mirror. I was 16, lonely and desperately wanted someone, anyone to see me, to be interested in me, to take care of me and think I was beautiful. It’s something that still lingers from time to time. I was searching for comfort and clarity in others, some of which they could give me, and I didnt realize it but mostly it had to be something I had to do for myself. I remember I used to go for walks and hope that people I passed would talk to me, acknowledge that I existed, to be noticed by someone even in the smallest of ways.

Life changed since then largely in the last two years, in many ways for good and many not. I grew up and out of those angsty teenage years. I’ve experienced things that I thought I never could, and gained some semblance of feeling “normal”. Things that people do and have done in that time however small to them, however common or minute have impacted me in ways that I can’t even describe. I still don’t know who I am as a person, and it’s something I’m trying to figure out. It’s sort of a whole life process I think. I have so many contradicting opinions and emotions and feelings floating around in my head. When I was younger I used to think that knowing who I was meant fitting in with a certain group of people and a way of thinking, that stayed that way unwaveringly otherwise it wasnt the “real “me. The older I get I realize it was foolish , and the more I tried to force myself to be like everyone else the further away I got from self discovery. Maybe I’m not meant to fit in anywhere, or maybe I’m meant to be everywhere, because I know mostly who I am and what I want at the very core of my being, and yet full clarity seems never attainable. Everything I think of, every desire, seems prevented by two sides one which is what I really want and then the fear that is keeping me from it. If i’m happy or try to enjoy most things I can for a little while until I get what feels like a kick in the chest and I think of all the things that could go wrong, and the bad things that can potentially happen (some of which are actual possibilities ), and the things that I might have to worry about.

I’m still lonely sometimes, and I’m seeking something in others, but I’m not sure what it is yet. Someone to listen, or that I can confide in. I don’t trust easily, at least with these kinds of things anyhow.

I’ve reached a point of madness with life and all my thoughts that I desperately need to get out, whether it be on paper or to other people, but most are things that I can’t say, or that scare me so much I don’t speak of them to anyone.

“Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean”

I want to run, to go on a walkabout to a kind of paradise. I want do something extreme just to see who I really am. But I won’t. I know that I'll sort everything out without needing to do something I'll regret.

And at the end of this nonsensical whatever this is I must say for the most part I am a happy person. I’ve been under stress lately unfortunately, and these thoughts are always here if not prominently so. Everyone worries sometimes. Everyone has secrets. And these are mine.

“I am ******* crazy. But I am free”
Katietfh Katietfh
18-21, F
Jan 22, 2013