Count The Times...I was born in England. I guess I had a good childhood there? I don't really remember it. We moved here in grade 1, and from my first day at school, I was bullied, excluded and tormented by my classmates. I sat alone every lunchtime, I never had a partner for group exercises in class and the few times people talked to me, they were calling me things like 'worthless, useless, ugly, fat, *****, not worth it'. They even told me to die. I can count the friends I have had on one hand. I can count the times I have felt happy on less. I self-harm, but keep it restricted to one area so it's easy to hide. I cried a lot, but only when I'm alone. I was scared that if I cried in front of the others, they would become even crueller.
Now I'm 14, and in secondary school. I am constantly alone. It's like the people in my class don't even bother with acknowledging my existance any more.
I don't know if I like being alone, or if I'm just used to it. I like to tell myself I like it, but I know it's a lie.
I have contemplated suicide a lot, and sometimes wish I could just die and be done with all this. I have heard that talking works, but no one ever listens to me. Every time I try to talk to someone, it's like I'm invisible, that I don't exist.
Part of me desperately wants someone to notice me, and the cuts on my leg, but they never do. And I'm scared about what would happen if someone did. Would it even matter?
My parents divorced when I was little, and my dad has had girlfriend after girlfriend. My
mother is engaged to her boyfriend of five years. Ever since he showed up, everything's changed. My room doesn't feel safe anymore. He has hit me, and slapped me on the arm a lot. He loses his temper easily and sometimes scares me.
I am afraid to keep living. A large part of me wants to die, and the rest is telling me to kill him. The worst thing, I have considered both options.
I hear my tormentor's voices in my head, constantly, repeating every horrible thing they've said to me. It's driving me crazy, and I can't tell anyone! I'm too scared.
I'm such a coward. I wish it would all just stop. I don't know what to do.
I cry as quietly as possible into my pillow. Nobody understands, or notices how I feel. I am truly alone, and I don't know what to do.