Count The Times...

I was born in England. I guess I had a good childhood there? I don't really remember it. We moved here in grade 1, and from my first day at school, I was bullied, excluded and tormented by my classmates. I sat alone every lunchtime, I never had a partner for group exercises in class and the few times people talked to me, they were calling me things like 'worthless, useless, ugly, fat, *****, not worth it'. They even told me to die. I can count the friends I have had on one hand. I can count the times I have felt happy on less. I self-harm, but keep it restricted to one area so it's easy to hide. I cried a lot, but only when I'm alone. I was scared that if I cried in front of the others, they would become even crueller.
Now I'm 14, and in secondary school. I am constantly alone. It's like the people in my class don't even bother with acknowledging my existance any more.
I don't know if I like being alone, or if I'm just used to it. I like to tell myself I like it, but I know it's a lie.
I have contemplated suicide a lot, and sometimes wish I could just die and be done with all this. I have heard that talking works, but no one ever listens to me. Every time I try to talk to someone, it's like I'm invisible, that I don't exist.
Part of me desperately wants someone to notice me, and the cuts on my leg, but they never do. And I'm scared about what would happen if someone did. Would it even matter?
My parents divorced when I was little, and my dad has had girlfriend after girlfriend. My
mother is engaged to her boyfriend of five years. Ever since he showed up, everything's changed. My room doesn't feel safe anymore. He has hit me, and slapped me on the arm a lot. He loses his temper easily and sometimes scares me.
I am afraid to keep living. A large part of me wants to die, and the rest is telling me to kill him. The worst thing, I have considered both options.
I hear my tormentor's voices in my head, constantly, repeating every horrible thing they've said to me. It's driving me crazy, and I can't tell anyone! I'm too scared.
I'm such a coward. I wish it would all just stop. I don't know what to do.
I cry as quietly as possible into my pillow. Nobody understands, or notices how I feel. I am truly alone, and I don't know what to do.
kuroshirokami kuroshirokami
1 Response Feb 4, 2013

I'm sorry u hav 2 go through all this :( . but even though u r scared of telling anyone, U HAV TO. just think to ur self, can it get worse if u spoke up? it really won't. tell someone. let ur mom know her fiance beats u up. ask her if she is really allowing a man beat up her child. make her feel what u r going through. if that doesn't work, the next time he tries to hurt u, literlly call the police. its not good to keep everything in. speak up and even if it does get worse afterwards, its gonna get better if u fight to make it the way u want it to be. U hav heard this before and u will hear it again, because unfortunately its the truth: LIFE IS HARD, harder on some people than others. so sitting back and being quiet will not change a thing. That's my advice. Take it if u want. and another thing, I know u feel alone, and u feel that everyone around u is better and happier. I know u just want to kill them sometimes because of how happy they are. but thats why u r here. HERE EVERYONE has a problem. EVERYONE here is not understood by people around him. EVERYONE IS LONELY. that's why we support each other. I hope that helped. and again, this is just an advice, u can take it if u want. Hope it gets better.