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I Need Help and I Know It.

When I first noticed my depression was when I was in 6th grade. I can't remember what exactly happened or why I got set off, but I popped pills, maybe 10-14 pills. All I did the next day was puke, unable to keep food down, barely even soda. 7th grade got worse. I became more distant from my family. 8th grade I started popping pills again and that's when the cutting started. Somehow the school principle and other teachers found out about me cutting, and I was sent to the office to talk about it then I had to call home to tell my grandma[since I live with her due to other family problems] what I've done to myself. Ofcourse I got yelled at for doing that when I got home since I got picked up early from school because I couldn't stop crying or breath steadily. Right then when I got yelled at for cutting, my life has been going down and down fast. My freshman year my depression got worse because I was so stressed about my school grades, boyfriends, making new friends and what not. I cutt both of my arms, all over, and had gym the next day, which I totally forgot. I wore a sweatshirt to gym, I got called off to the side and got asked why I didn't change, I said "...just because" I had my eyes glued to the floor the whole time. I was told by the teacher I needed to go change NOW. So I went back and changed, I bandaged both arms and walked out of the locker room, still looking at the floor. My gym teacher just looked at me weird and kept staring at my arms, I tried to ignore it. Gym class finally ended and I hurried up to change and left the gym as fast as I could. Ofcourse the next period I got called to the office and had to talk about my cutting again. [I was now in high school so I had different teachers and nurses that never would have thought I cutt since I always hid myself in baggy clothes] They called home, and I had my friend over..we were in the bathroom doing our hair ready to leave and my grandma comes in yelling at me asking "DID YOU F**KING CUTT AGAIN? DID YOU!!!!????" I just looked down and pulled on my sweatshirt sleeves and choked out the words "So what, like it matters to you" and she rambled on yelling at me so I just left the house. Now that it is summer and I am about to be a sophmore, things are getting even more worse. I now cutt my stomach so no one can see or tell that I did it. My depression is ten times worse than it ever has been. My mother is in jail due to drugs, which wasn't hers and it was her boyfriends...well I wished for him to die, saying that to my mom and now he's in the hospital for trying to kill himself :[ I couldn't believe it. All I could do was cry and cutt more. I'm losing basically all of my friends, I am hating life more than anything else in the f**king world. I'm afraid I will take the cutting to far and kill myself, but I told myself I will NEVER seek professional help or get meds. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've left so much out of that little story that I just told, but you've got the idea. Life is hard, it hurts, it kills people's insides...it's something I dread horribly. I just want to be happy, I just want to have a boyfriend again and not be hated for my depression :[ I'm done trying to fix myself, my life....it ONLY makes it worse....

MaggotGirl666 MaggotGirl666 16-17, F 5 Responses Jul 10, 2009

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i dont even know what to say due to the fact that youre so young&so hurt. the scars will heal, but the memories will never fade love. it hurts now, but it cant rain forever, you cannot beat yourself up for situations you cant change now. it is the present&work hard to make a better future. you still have so much agead of you, prom, college, parties, boys, job, being a wife, kids, teaching them that its okay not to be okay. youll be an inspiration one day, but im begging you to hold on for a while longer.

Your not alone, thats the important thing here, but I can't be one to talk, I too feel as if I am going to be drawn to cut myself now. After I lost my dogs I actually realised how ****** up and screwed my life really is, they protected now that they are gone I am alone, with my abusive parents and older brother I have no idea whats next... Suicide probbaly

i am a believer in the fact that a person can heal herself, with a little help from some friends, im here if you need to talk and there are many things you can do about the cutting, your grandmother was wrong to yell at you, right now you just need some help and some open arms, i understand what it feels like to want to cut. i am a rape victim and it is hard to fight the urge everyday to harm myself but ive managed to not do anything yet,

the depression can be reversed, it may be hard with out the help of medication but if you talk it through with someone even a stranger like me than it might feel a little better. another thing you could do is try meditation, download some good music using youtube and video2mp3.net and sit somewhere and clear your mind many things will fall back in and once your in a sleep like state it will be easier to sort through and manage these things.

and if you need to talk i am here.

i swore aswell that i will never get professional help or take meds

hey there girl

well depressin is wayyy ugly

and your grandma hasnt been handaling it the right way with you

i mean you shouldnt hate her for it, she doesnt know how to react,

and professional help

well its a pain... meaning sometimes they baby you and make you talk about yourself, but they never get to the real problem

and sometimes you have those that just make you realize everything

but it just seems you need someone there for you big time

to not judge you based on depression

i've battled with it for a long time

cried under my desk, covered my windows cause i coulsnt handle the light

but you loose sight of real things... your life is supposed to be colorful...not in a gay way but more likee green eyes and purple lipstick and you feeling amazing

i mean yeah i dont quite feel like that

but i've also been a cutter

and they were deep deep and i made sure each one hurt, i mean it builds up in you and

sooner or later your going to break and fall into pieces..well unless you already have

and i ended up in the hospital cause i slashed my leg up...very close to one of my arteries

i now have to look at the scars every single day

but i guess its not that bad

well i hope you get better