I Feel So Alone

About 10 months ago my parents split up, it was shocking i had not seen this coming at all. My parents never even fought, it was so unexpected. i had people helping me through it my sister, my two best friends. My sister and i went to one cousleing session, i didnt really talk much and my sister is okay from the split so the psychologist thought i was too. i just dont want to talk to a total stranger about it, or anyone for that matter. i started to just try and be okay with it and it worked.  when school let out for the summer i started seeing my sister and my friends less and less. i would have nothing to do all day. just sit at home watch tv youtube. i masked my pain for so long pretending to myself and everyone around me that i was happy to have all this time to myself, then i started not just being upset about being alone but about my parents seperation again. i felt depressed about everything, but i would only feel bad for myself for a few hours then i would go back to pretending i was okay. i dont want the people around me to think im hurting because i dont want them to hurt. but the feeling of being so alone is happening more and more often. I know it dosnt help watching these fake shows about how people are happy, and seeing clelbrities lives how great they are, but i feel as if its the only thing keeping me sane. i just finally admited to myself days ago that i know im depressed and i know its just going to get worse when my sister leaves to go to college in just weeks, and to tell you the truth i dont know what to do. i cant tell anyone.

missunknown912 missunknown912
6 Responses Aug 11, 2009

I know what you mean about pretending. I never show anyone how hurt I am inside. It is all that keeps me sane, all that keeps me from breaking down. Sometimes I think hope hurts too much. I know I am depressed, but I can't ever tell anyone. Even though this was posted forever ago, I can relate.

Thats exactly me :S<br />
But i cant narate the way you do so i just shut up.<br />
Hope u get better

i am really depressed all the time im only 11 and i went to a doctor and he told me i had more than severe i had morean depression its when you dont want to live im still struglleing thats why i stared a club because i want to help please i dont want to have a bad life

I'm a person who always tries to keep everyone else happy. I had a feeling for a while that my parents were rocky, and last summer, my mam finally told me that she and my dad had split up a YEAR ago. I felt so angry, because they'd kept this from me for an entire year. I'd noticed he had started sleeping in the spare room, but I just thought it was because he worked really late and didn't want to wake anyone up. I think that was the point when my moods started dropping lower and lower, to the point that one night, I mixed a lot of alcohol with some pills. Afterwards, I spent months in a kind of stupor, where I couldn't talk to my friends or family, and I scared myself with the thoughts I was thinking. I went to see a counsellor for a few months, and I was diagnosed with depression at the beginning of this year. Things got a little better during the summer months, but now, I can feel myself swaying again. I know you said you don't want to talk to strangers, but if you ever did want to, I'd be happy to chat. I understand the heartbreak when your parents split up, it's a situation that's so common, but so hard.<br />
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I remember when my parents divorced. It's been about twelve years. I remember one day we went to taco bell and my dad got really upset so he started walking home by himself. And we got in the car and chased him. He started running faster and faster. And I was in the back seat yelling don't go. And he turned around and I saw his face and he turned back around and ran faster. I just got lost in my story. Im friendly if you want to talk.

I know that feeling, of not wanting to do anything, of wanting to keep people around you happy, while inside you just feel terrible...and I often do that too, just feeling really down, then acting like everything's going great, feeling so confused about what's going on...I used to watch a lot of fake shows too, thinking it kept me sane, like it gave me some kind of hope...as said in the above comment, not everyone will be able to get over depression in the same way, but for me personally, seeing a psychiatrist, writing things down that I felt really strongly (like when I was really angry about something), then ripping up the page later, so nobody would find it (just to kind of get it out of your system), and also starting to speak to people who know what it's like to suffer from depression all seemed to have helped a little. You could try these, and see if they help you too...and I'd say it's also important to stay in touch with your sister and friends - it may seem hard, you might not always feel like talking to them, I often feel that way - but otherwise, you may end up feeling even more isolated and depressed - friends and siblings can help make you feel a bit better, keeping you linked to the world. If you would like more advice or someone to talk to, you can message me...I really hope you can start feeling better soon, depression is really awful to experience.