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Her, Damnit.

I think I like my best friend and it's drive me mad.

Here's a time line before I get started, just to put things into context.

14 - I started to experiment and considered myself to be bisexual
15 - I realized that I'm gay (and told my brother and sister) and met my BFF
16 - I realized I was crushing on one of my BFF *badly* and come out to her and a few other close friends.
17 - current age, very comfortable with my sexuality, and crushing on and off with the BFF mentioned above.
18 - when I will officially come out of the closet and move in with my sister once the **** hits the fan.

The best friend, let's name her "Light" since that's what her name translates into. When I first met her I was painfully shy (mostly because I was nervous around her) and she told me that my hair colour, pink, didn't suit me because I was so quiet (her opinion would change later on xD). Despite not having any classes together, I was determined to become friends with her. Mostly because we shared friends and she sounded *amazing*. Finally, my sophomore year, we shared AP Chemistry and Chinese. We even started hanging out together after school, which was something I never did. Those where the best days. I loved talking about everything with her, from politics to anime and science to diets. Then she told me about her crush.

He came by a couple of times while we would be hanging out at the bookstore. I remember one occasion where they went into a quiet isle (languages, or some ****) and I would keep walking by and interrupting them. Eventually she told me that she hated him (much to my delight) because he talked about liking her and other girls at the same times (moron).

I decided I was in love with her (give me a break, I was 16) and came out of the closet. I remember the day so clearly. I arrived early at the book store and was nervously pacing around the store with my cup of coffee, checking my phone every minute for an update from her. Eventually I went to Whole Foods next door and bought a bouquet of roses and asked the man behind the pastry counter to hide them for me. After my friend arrived at the bookstore I walked her next door to Whole Foods' cafe and told her I was gay. She didn't really react and I started to freakout slightly (there might have been tears involved. maybe.) where she then comforted me and told me that she didn't care if I was gay. I gave her the roses, but told her it was only because she was so accepting. Originally I was going to proclaim my love for her (I watched too many movies back then) but my gut was telling me that that might be a bad idea. And my gut was right.

At the bookstore, in the midst of our studying, Light asked me (I still remember word for word) "You don't *like* me, do you?" and with carefully chosen words I told her "not if you don't want me to". She have me a nervous laugh and shrug and told me "no". So, I told her what she wanted to hear, "then no, I don't like you.". And that, was that.

Eventually she told me that she told her mother that I was gay (my initial reaction was anger and dismay but then I realized that her mother was the closest person to her, and I couldn't blame her) and decided to take her view on homosexuality; that it was a choice. They believe that no one knows what their sexuality is as a child but that their choices and environment would gradually define them as a person (and their sexuality). While I can (kinda) understand that view point, I don't believe that I can "choose" my sexuality, or that specific decisions I made as a child made me "gay".

Then she started to freak when I touched her. Not intimate touching, mind you. I would poke her, or touch her shoulder and she would jerk away and tell me that she didn't like being touched. Even though I used to kiss her on the cheek and hug her, before I told her I was gay.

Gradually we started to hang out less (AP classes, SAT, clubs, etc) and I felt my crush on her dwindle, to the point where I finally declared to my brother "I don't like/love her anymore!" Only now we've started to hangout more (being summer break, and everything) and now when I see her I want to kiss her and tease her until her cheeks are flushed and yell to the world that she's beautiful and brilliant and talented and artistic and bloody stubborn, and the whole blasted thesaurus. Of course, I can't. I start teasing her and I see her edging away and freaking out because I'm gay and it could mean something. So I reign it in, and keep it in my head.


Sometimes I don't even remember her. Sometimes I think were just friends, not even that close. Then I see her, and remember "oh damnit. I like her."

~Fifi
deleted deleted 26-30 Jun 24, 2012

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