Always Knew Somehow

It's that kinda cliché phrase you hear in movies "I guess on some level I always knew I was..............". Well that is true for me.

Growing up I always knew I was different. I never liked boys, they were always mean to me and traumatic experiences in my childhood and teenage years led me to hate a lot of them and actually be afraid of them. I never had a guy friend, my friends were and are only girls.

When I was in 5th grade and we started going to parties where you dance, guys never danced, only girls. We made a circle on the dance floor and danced. And I noticed I loved to watch the girls dance. There was something about them that was so beautiful and sexy. I remember I loved to watch this ex-classmate of mine dance, because she'd run her fingers through her long dark blonde hair, and I'd tell myself it was just an obsession, I just wanted her to be my friend.

In 8th grade I started having the same feelings for a new classmate of mine. She was funny, had some childish behavior who everybody liked, was gentle and kind to everybody and had the funniest laugh I've heard to this day. I told myself then that I had an obsession with her, because that's all it could be. I wanted to be near her, I wanted to show her I was interesting, I kept talking to her over the internet.

Then, when I went to high school I met my current crush, whose name I won't say. At first, I thought I was just intimidated by her beauty and the great person she was and still is. Then, one day when I was over at her house, our other friend pretended to be a monster and did this scary face which my crush was terrified of, so she sat down on my lap and she started jumping up and down like crazy on my lap! She screamed and jumped and didn't leave my lap. I wrapped my hands around her waist and screamed with her. She stayed on my lap for a while after our friend stopped the scary face. That's probably one of the moments I started to think I had actual feelings for her.

Last year was when I finally accepted that I may not be straight. I had this thing with a guy and we did some things, and I felt not aroused at all while doing them, or when he did them to me. Days later I saw my crush and she talked about how she wore lingerie and I immediately pictured her in a red lingerie with her sexy face she does when she takes pictures. That's when I knew I wasn't that into guys.

I admitted to myself, and nobody else out loud. I'm too afraid to tell anyone, even though I know some friends who are completely fine with gay and bi people. I'm afraid, and I'm definitely afraid of telling my crush, although sometimes I get the feeling that she likes me back.

I'm good now that I accepted myself as I am, and someday maybe when I'm completely sure that's what I want, I'll tell my family and my friends. Until then, I'm just living my life and trying to experiment new things. :)
18-21, F
Feb 2, 2013