I Realized I Was A Terrible Girlfriend Too Late.

I ruined what could have possibly been a good relationship. 

I worried over the wrong things when really, I shouldn't have worried at all.  I was worried about him not being able to keep a job.  I was worried about him still living with his parents and still not paying for much because he's several years older than me, but really, everyone just grows at their own rates.

I was worried every time he went to parties without me and hung out with his best girl friends, going on trips with them to other states for just fun getaways.  I got upset when he wanted female roommates, and when he had sleepovers with female friends.  I shouldn't have gotten jealous when he went out with his female friends to bars without me, sometimes late at night, and I shouldn't have gotten territorial over him.  I should have trusted him instead of questioning it.  I shouldn't have argued with him. 

I was worried about how he would rack up debt for himself and act like it wasn't there, but really I shouldn't have said anything to him.  That was his life and his choices.  There was so much more I realized I shouldn't have done, and now I realize that I deserve every bad thing he's said about me to his friends and people he knows.  I was a horrible person.  I said it because I cared about him, but I shouldn't have cared about those things. 

I should have just cared about him as a person separate from his lifestyle.  I shouldn't have confided in him my fears and worries for myself, because those aren't his problems.  I should never have expected him to pay for our dates, I should have never have gotten upset that he never surprised me with anything while I always found stuff to surprise him with, I should never have called him every day, and I shouldn't have tried to see him often. 

I tried to be the best to him, I thought I did for him what was best, but in the end I just made him miserable and now he absolutely hates me, and now I can understand why.  I should have just let him alone and do whatever he wanted. 

I shouldn't have gotten mad that he prioritized everything else in his life before me, because his life should be priority for himself, and because his friends and family were there first and that girlfriends can come and go.  I shouldn't have felt insecure, and I should have been more patient.  I should have just lived my own life rather than trying to get him to understand me or come out with me and my friends, involving me in his life, and so on.  I should have waited for him to have wanted to do that on his own, rather than ask that of him.  I asked to much from him. 

I am working to improve so I don't make these same mistakes again with the next guy.

daretodream414 daretodream414
18-21, F
4 Responses Mar 6, 2010

Oh wow. Simply, wow. You took the words right out of my mouth. I too pushed a wonderful man away due to MY issues of mistrust, and my insecurities. He was nothing but good to me, and I was so afraid he'd one day hurt me, that I tested him to see if he was any good, if he was a man of his word. I snooped through his things to make sure he wasn't talking to other women; to make sure pictures of ex's were removed. I did the same to his laptop. I focused too much of my time and energy on his past relationships (serious and not), and I became jealous. I felt as if he cheated on me in a sense, even though it was all done before he knew me. But, I convinced myself that a man who had been having flings for 5 yrs straight and even days right before knowing me, wasn't able to change his ways. After breaking up with me, not even a week later, he was back to his old online dating sites, looking for women to fill that empty void in his life. Randoms. Flings. Just to make the pain of a relationship go away. That's what he did 5 years ago. That's what he's doing now. I told myself "See! I was right all along. He wasn't capable of changing his old habits." -

But, did I have to play detective early on in the relationship to find out who these exes were? NO. Did I have to snoop through his things with/without his knowledge... so I could find something to use as amo to get rid of him? NO. (What sane person wants to get rid of someone wonderful)Did I need to lose control of my emotions and lose my temper on him anytime things didn't go my way? NO. Definately NO. He made so many changes in his life simply to accomodate MY insecurities. He should never have had to do that! (Delete old pictures/get rid of a bed and couch because other women had slept with him on them/delete old contacts, etc) - WHY OH WHY did I focus on things that were no longer relevant. ???Did he cheat on me? NO.

Did he lie to me. Yes..once, about something stupid. I just didn't know how to let it go. He loved me. He surprised me. He cooked me dinners. He snuggled with me. He held me close and looked deep into my eyes and made me feel like a beautiful woman.

He complimented me. He was amazing. He let me go because he felt he had no other choice. He didn't think I could change. I had 10 months to get my head out of my *** and realize what I could lose if I continued my ways. I didn't. And now it's too late.

And I am alone.

I don't think that you were wrong for worrying about him and his girl friends. Any girlfriends would be too! I was feeling the same things a few months ago. It's normal for wanting to be loved and cared for by your boyfriend. Sharing and talking about your feelings with your boyfriend is okay too, but guys are less perceptive than girls so it might be overwhelming to them. I do think that being in a relationship with someone means that you are committed, at some level, to be there for your other half. From my experience, I learned that these feelings are normal but I need to look out on how I express them, since it can come across as aggressive or jealous.
I honestly don't think that you were a horrible girlfriend. You tried to do the best you could and cared about him!

i feel like what you have written could have come straight from my own hand. i have felt the same as you are, then other times i think i deserved much better. i wish didnt try to change people.<br />
it really depends how you look at it, but when i read what your saying, you dont sound like a bad girlfriend at all. dont think that.

No. You were right. YOu as a girlfriend hae every right to feel jelouse and worried when your noyfriend goes on trips with other girls, parties with other girls, and has sleep overs. Sounds like he never EVER deserved you hun. I dont know the situation but this sounds painfully familliar and please dont change. He should have stepped up to the plate from what you've said. You sound like a perfet girlfriend. really. <br />
you cared enough to worry about him in the long run.<br />
You took the time to suprise him and try to do thing to please him.<br />
Sounds to me you were too good for him. sounds to me like you are a caring sweet girl whom of which he took atvantage of the fact that you cared. he sounds like a manipulative arse! if you dont mind my saying.<br />
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Sounds like he didn't appreciate you and that is what every girl deserves. <3 Dx <br />
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(p.s. i'm bad with words :] but i do kinda really knwo what you mean )