Tck?

Christmas 2007 - Bahrain

Bahrain, a land of plenty and sadly I sit here sit felling like I have nothing. Reflecting over my last few weeks experiences in the US, Mumbai, Bangalore and Bahrain I realize that I have a problem.

Last night, as I lay in bed, I could hear the prayers from many different mosques. All the magnificent proclamations seemed to blend into a loud sound. At times I could recognize a word, but on the whole it sounded like noise. I realize that this seems similar situation in my life. I have had many voices of expectations laid over my life. Some such have been being a “Hebron kid” mixed with the expectations of “an air force kid” mixed with the expectations of a “missionary kid” mixed with my own parents expectations. To make things even more complex, my experience in the US has added four more layers of expectations as “Indian” a “Christian” the boyfriend of a Hispanic and more recently, back in India, as an America. I consider my self to be associated with all these groups but sadly never seem to be a part of any. This rich background makes me a unique person while inside it tears me up - a perpetual feeling of disconnect and no sense of belonging. To make things harder for me, I have no real place I can call home. The friends that constitute my childhood/sense of belonging are all over the world and connecting with them (although they all share this experience) is tough.

I know there are many methods of dealing with this - some healthy and some more damaging. I know my method of coping has been the latter. My approach has been that of caution. I prefer to enter any situation (people) as an observer to try to understand the “group culture” that I am trying to associate myself with. My method is to try gauge what the expectations are of the group. I know that given enough time I can connect/adapt with anyone in the group and win peoples hearts over. The problem is, most people only are willing to give a friendship one chance. Sadly, my caution can be perceived as being surly or snobbish.

Here I sit on the crossroads. I know what the answers is to define myself identity more clearly. Defining myself seems like a catch 22. As me becomes more clearer I disassociate myself with parts of myself - loosing my identity.