Was A Total Tomboy... Til I Turned.

As a child, I never like another girls - they were catty and mean to me - so I stayed away from them. I only had boy friends. And I like to throw rock, climb trees and play fight. A lot of time, adults would comment that I was more like a boy than other boys. The teachers didn't like me. And some of the boys bullied me a lot, cause I was the only girl that wouldn't cry or tell the teacher over a a few bunches. I was tough, dirty and fearless. There wasn't anything that I wasn't game to do or try. I was constantly in trouble, as I didn't conform - I didn't want to be precious or obedient, and I certainly didn't care to be pretty. It wasn't easy being the way I was, but I was determine to be me.

Things got easier when I moved country. Suddenly, I was perceived as cute and adorable - without any effect on my part. I suddenly learned that I didn't need to fight, as no one bullied me or challenged me. They just wanted to touch my hair and waited for me to speak - I didn't - but I learned that I could get out of anything with a pout. I made friend with a girl my age, and other girls seemed to have taken a liking to me - they all wanted to be my friend, which I didn't know why or how to handle.

I was always strange, but by the time I got to hight school, people seem to accepted that and even like me for it. I was an angry little thing, and was very distant, but for some reason it was perceived as cool, and my sarcasm was somehow entertaining. I wanted to be alone, but I also had a lot of female friends. Still, I didn't know why. And I still didn't feel I fit in.

I didn't see myself as a girl, nor did I thought I was a boy. But if I get to choose, I would choose to be a guy. I was never into make-up or dresses, I often offended people cos I didn't notice when they lost weight or had a hair cut. I dressed like a guy; walked and sat like a guy. I was really into martial art, and all I wanted to do for fun was to wrestle boys. But I didn't find boys sexually attractive. I like looking at girls, and fantasized about touching them - I was horny and obsessed with the idea of sex. I didn't relate to anything feminine, except that I looked like a girl. And I tried to change that - I did a lot of weights, to try to look more muscular... It was amazing how boys even liked me, considering how male and aggressive I was.

But I suppose all the guys I dated was quite in touch with their feminine side - they liked to bake, clean and washed my clothes - my girl friends would label them 'gay'. But I loved it - wearing the pants and treated them like a mate, but sometimes I would find them to be too sensitive. too romantic, and too needy... In turn, they find me a bit detached; and at times, my unladylike behavior, such as scratching myself in front of the tv, refusal to cuddle after sex and groping them in public, to be a bit too much. Still it worked. I needed someone of a feminine and masculine blend. And they liked that I was different.

I thought I knew who I was. But then, things started to change after a break up. I still didn't wear make-up or do girly things, but I started to collect heels, not just boots. I bought jellwery and dyed my hair bright red. I started to walk and sit more ladylike, and I started to feel the need to clean house. I wouldn't go as far as ironing my clothes, but for the first time, I took care of my appearance. I put on moisturiser. I discovered lip gloss. It was weird. But of course, it was still not up to my friends' standard. They constantly tried to straighten my hair, and ask me, "Is that what you wearing?" - jean, boots, tank top and uncombed hair.

Now 5 years later, I own a GHD. I have make-up in the house (still don't understand about foundation though). I have some matching underwear. I like dresses. I even brush my hair on a regular bases. Oh, and I recently bought some face cream, cause I got yelled at so many times for using hand cream on my face. I still don't think of myself as a woman or even female - I find that concept strange. But I know people see me as a girl, or even girly. I hope my inside will one day match the outside.

watchfulsoul watchfulsoul
26-30, F
7 Responses Jul 15, 2010

The only kind of woman I actually "CAN" love, is a true tomboy. Including the bigger muscle. <br />
So depressing, They are not around here.... So, your story is highly attractive to me. By the way: uncombed hair is FANTASTIC !!!!! It says: I am ready to do anything ! Most woman are ready to do "almost nothing", from my point of view. Useless... ;-) <br />
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Well, I thought it was all in good fun. But trust me, not all guys agrees. I got told off recently. Again. <br />
You might be right there, Laddiboy. I still haven't got it figured it out yet - I want to solve this long-time confusion. But I am actually afraid of women emotionally...

It sounds like you like females. You just haven't accepted it yet. You said "scratching myself in front of the tv, refusal to cuddle after sex and groping them in public". Sounds like a dude to me. The picture of a female groping a male in public makes me laugh. lol :-)

Honestly if i got into an accident and forgot and someone told me i wrote this prior to that accident i'd believe them....lol this sound JUST LIKE ME!!! ..im 19 now, and jus decided that i like girls..and im now dating my girlfriend of 1 year n 6months.. :)

Thanks for your lovely comment, Paddytram - I completely agree - we are all entitled to be who we are on the inside without being boxed in by society's so call 'norm'.<br />
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Thanks Bornintheusa, I'm glad you liked my story. <br />
Yes, I still adore girls in a very romantic fashion. It's difficult to explain about my sexuality, since I am honestly confused still. I have had been with guys mostly - but am only attracted to very 'feminine' guys - either emotionally/mentally or very physically pretty guys. I still have the desire to be with a girl, to love her and to take care of her, to be her 'man'. But, for whatever reason, I have not really explored that direction in a long time. I don't know if it's because I am scared.

thats a great story :) so do u still have that feeling towards women? or do u now like guys?

Good for you! I am gender neutral but like you, a genuine human being, so what if we don't fit into someones ideal of what girl or guy should act, look, or be like. If you're happy with you, all that matters. It is like just because a car is a different color doesn't mean it runs better or worse. Don't accomodate what everyone thinks is right for you, you and you alone are the overseer of yourself and you are the only one that you should concern yourself with. Too many try to impress their standards on us and as far as I can see they do not have all the answers, some just need that control or superior complex to lord over us with. Don't buy it, no ones better or worse and no one had the right to be judge of all.